struggle

Some days I don't want to live anymore. Some days I wish I could just end it all so that I will no longer have to deal with this pain. Some days I want to die. In a tragic way. Just quick and easy. No suffering. Then I realize that probably no one would miss me. And that hurts.

You're supposed to be so strong. You have so much potential wasting away. Well, what if I were no longer here? I wouldn't have to deal with those pressures anymore.

Every day getting out of bed is a struggle. Every day I know that I will suffer. Every single day.

I have thought of many ways that I could end it all. I have thought of countless ways to no longer be here.
But then I think, "Do I really want to die? Then what...?"

The uncertainty of death is the only thing that keeps me alive I think. The final act of selfishness of the selfless soul...

I cant.

If only I cared about myself as much as I do others. It's embarrassing to admit that suicide was a consideration when things were too much to handle.

I need help.

Never ask for it though.

No one would believe you anyhow. They'd just send you to church in front of people who only have a book to save you... but no plan. Just "pray" they say. And then what? Will I magically be saved from myself? Nope. I tried it all. I talked it out. I tried it all. I prayed. Nothing happened. What do you do when God stops listening? Nobody is listening.

I just feel so alone. And I just want someone to be around me. And they aren't.


And I end up settling for just any old body because I don't want to be alone. And I hate myself after I finally realize I don't want that near me so I make them leave.

And it hurts. My body is trying to tell me that I'm doped up too much. But I never listen.

Searching...

What are you searching for?
I don’t know anymore. Everything that I thought that I wanted has turned out to be worthless. Everything that I thought that I needed I’ve learned to live without. The one thing that I thought was keeping me alive is the very thing that I need to kill to survive. Love? Fuck it. We go our whole lives searching for ONE person to complete us when all the while to path to total completion lies within ourselves. The thing about love is that you shouldn’t search for your other half. No one should be half of anything. You need to find someone who makes you better. Love should make you better.