Let's Be Honest

I don't know what I'm doing.
I have no idea what I am doing with my life.
My life has become a series of unfortunate events that seem too dramatic to be real life.
My life is a made for tv drama.
Or a romantic comedy- minus the romance. Borderline psychological thriller.
My life is pathetic.

I often convince myself that things are better than they actually are.
I tell myself that I'm happy when I'm not in hopes that one day it'll be true.
I pretend that relationships are healthy when in reality it's killing me slowly.
I act tough when in fact I'm a mere shell of a person.
I'm weak.
I'm unstable.
I'm always moments away from crying.
I'm foolish.
I'm afraid.
I'm always making things more difficult than they need to be.

I can't speak up for myself.
It's easier to act like things don't affect me when every little thing does.\
I'm sensitive as fuck. My feelings are easily hurt. I am once again right where I said I'd never be..

Let's be honest for once in our lives. Let's learn to live a life worthy of living. Let's be real.
Let's open up and live the way we ought to live.

Loved & Lost Again

I was certain that He was the one. But as always I was loud and wrong. I just knew I had met my King. He made me feel beautiful when others made me feel like I was nothing special. Grabbed handfuls of my flaws and stared my insecurities in the eyes and said "I love this".
He kissed away my fears. He wiped away tears. And then as fast as he came, he was gone. My King was gone. Found another Queen like he had done a few times before. Gave me way less when I wanted more.

But if he doesn't love me, then who will? Am I destined to be alone forever? Without him, who am I?

So I lost my King to the same bitch I once took him from. I guess my love wasn't really what he wanted. Karma. She is forever kicking my ass. Karma. She will forever make her sweet presence known.

Oh well. His family loved her even when he thought I could be a replacement. I should have ran away when he said that he didn't think he wanted to get married. Or when he said he didn't know if he wanted to have kids or not. But when he asked if I would be ok with that, I lied and said I would.

But that's Brittney. Always willing to sacrifice her wants for just a smidgen of happiness. So did I really lose? Am I unhappy? Is she better than me? Is he better off without me? Will I move on? Why can't I cry? I guess I'm just done... or am I really numb? Better than being dumb.

Rainy Hearts

I tried to build many relationships under fallacies and fairytales. I convinced myself that I didn't want more than sex because I believed that sex was all that I had to give. I didn't believe I could be a supportive girlfriend. I didn't think that I was able to be the person he came home to every night and unleashed all the turmoil from his day to. That his head couldn't lay in my lap as my fingertips gently caress his head assuring him that "everything's ok." I wasn't able to be a rock for him to lean on when things became too much for him to stand alone. I wasn't capable of picking up the pieces of his soul after the world has broken him down. I didn't think that I was enough. So even though I wasn't sure if I could be the woman he needed when things got serious, I knew that at least my pussy could suffice for awhile.

Maybe I couldn't have dinner waiting on the stove for him after a long days work but I could have my pussy waiting for him to devour. I probably couldn't be a spiritual guide but his soul- I can definitely steal with just one touch from these lips. Can't build him up but my with these hips, he can grip, and stay balanced. Never asking "how was your day?" But instead moaning out "fuck me harder".

So yes, I'm a mess. I knew the role I could play. I never let myself be the wife because being a mistress was much more fun... or just easier. Both sides of my bed belong to me. I don't have to decide between Housewives or ESPN. I can still be alone yet be held for part of the night. I thought that I was ok with just having that. I thought I was ok with not forming meaningful bonds with men. I thought I wasn't ready for love.

Of course, I failed at the casual sex game many times before. I ended up falling more than intended. Feelings were formed despite how hard I tried to convince myself that just sex was enough. Occasionally he'd spend the night and I'd feel so safe in his arms that it almost felt like this was it, this was the real thing. And suddenly he's gone leaving me once more to figure out if what I was feeling was another fairytale in my head and not me actually breaking down the walls surrounding my cold heart.
Was my heart really frozen because I was incapable of love or was that what I told myself after constantly ending up feeling the adverse affects of love? Did I run away from relationships because I knew that it wouldn't last or was I afraid that it actually would? Am I creating tumultuous relationships just to keep my mind off the fact that I am alone day after day? Does the faux drama give me an excuse to blame everything on men not being honest and breaking my heart when the truth is I'm the one who is dishonest about my true intentions.
If I can distract him with my ass, will he forget that I'm a mess?

Or maybe when I tried to tell him how I feel he didn't understand me because he's shoved his dick down my throat?

Did he become distracted by my cleavage whenever I try to get his attention?

Or maybe it was my ass bouncing up and down in his lap that made it hard for him to concentrate on what I really needed.

I replaced love with orgasms. And it still will never be enough.

Whenever I try to change, my past comes back to haunt me. Those "I miss you" messages are really saying "I'm horny and you came to mind."

When he said I love you, he was talking to my pussy and not me.

At first I felt that was enough. I guess I changed.

But now I have to figure out out of all the love affairs I've had, were any of them true? Did I really form a bond beyond friendship or sexual admiration with these men? Do any of them really know me or do they only know my ass? Do they understand my needs or just my high sex drive?

Am I enough?

Can I meet his parents as his girlfriend and not just his friend? Will they understand that not only do I love his dick, but I love their son as well?

Do I even know how to decipher between the love I have for his dick and for him?

One day you find yourself crying in a dark room because the silence has become too loud for your empty bed and you crave for another body to just lay beside you. And when that body comes, you know that it wasn't the body you wanted but you settle because it will do. For now at least.

And then that's not even enough. Maybe if I had given love a try back then I'd be in love now. Maybe I broke too many hearts by declaring that my body could fuck whoever whenever she wanted.

That shit backfired. Or maybe I just grew up. Another rainy day heart.

Searching...

What are you searching for?
I don’t know anymore. Everything that I thought that I wanted has turned out to be worthless. Everything that I thought that I needed I’ve learned to live without. The one thing that I thought was keeping me alive is the very thing that I need to kill to survive. Love? Fuck it. We go our whole lives searching for ONE person to complete us when all the while to path to total completion lies within ourselves. The thing about love is that you shouldn’t search for your other half. No one should be half of anything. You need to find someone who makes you better. Love should make you better.

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

Never settle.

And I mean this in EVERY aspect of life-- but definitely never settle in a relationship.

I settled. For years I settled for the almost & not quite guys instead of exactly what I was looking for. I'm confident in every aspect of my being UNTIL it comes to my love life.

For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for love. I've read all the books about it; Watched all the movies; Listened to all the songs. I have worked diligently for years trying to find that LOVE that young girls dream about. I planned my wedding when I was 8. I knew I'd be married at 22 & have kids by 24. I knew all of this. At 25, I don't have any of it. I have nothing.

Why? Because I settled.

One day I woke up and felt that I wasn't good enough for what I truly wanted so I just took what was placed in front of me and ran with it. Maybe that's not 100% true but i really don't feel like going into the depts of why I am this way.

I fall hard & fast. Either I love you or I don't care about you at all. This isn't healthy. It's hard for me to just be single because I was always trying to prove to myself & everyone else that I wasn't the girl that couldn't get a man. Nothing was wrong with me! I can keep a man! So I dealt with so much shit. I put up with more than most people because I was afraid of being alone. Looking around & you see everyone you went to high school with married with children and you're just like... "What about me? What did I do wrong??"

I did everything i was supposed to do in my eyes. I guess i just stayed with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

I settled. Never took a break between men. It was always #OnToTheNextOne because my girl Beyonce taught me that men were definitely not Irreplaceable and I could certainly have another one in a minute.. and he was literally there in a minute. Infidelity. Lies. Hurt. Man... I been through it all.

All for Love. All for this idea that a 25 year old single woman is an anomaly. We are damaged goods. Old news. Spoiled milk. I don't have kids but my ex has two and they aren't by me!? I'm definitely not doing it right. There is just so much going wrong with my life and I felt like I was going to drown in my own sorrows. My tears became invisible but I still wept for the children I never had.

Is this what my life has become? All of my friends are having babies now. And I've never felt more alone.

It's a very weird feeling. I'm happy for them.. but I felt horrible. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn't able to enjoy the Love that was growing inside of them for my own selfish reasons and I hated myself for it. Why can't I be in love? Why can't I be a mother? Why can't I start a family? I was a mess.

One day I decided to leave my pity party. I realized that 25 wasn't the end but merely the beginning. Everyone doesn't have to have kids so early in their 20s. Everyone doesn't have to be with a guy just because they've been together a long time and starting over at this age is a death sentence.

I am happy. I will fall in love with whomever God has chosen for me. I will have children if & when God says is right for me.

I wasted so many years trying to make something work with the wrong guy and putting up with nonsense because I was afraid to be alone but... being alone is nice. The silence is very much loud. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at times but I am ok. No more settling.

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

2013

It's been FOUR months since my last post and...

That's wayyyy too long! I'm trying my best to blog more frequently.

I'm so lost right now. I am searching for love in all the wrong places. Keep falling into the same traps. Letting certain someone come and go as he pleases. It's just... A lot going on right now. I just want love. That's what we all want. I must be strong. Pray for strength. I know better. I know better! I.Know.Better.

Like, now because of lurking I've found out that my boo is still very much in a relationship with his ex. And he's been driving her car to come see me these last few months.

I'm not mad. Always trust your gut. ALWAYS. You may be called crazy, but your body is a wonderful instrument. Your mind is a powerful tool. If you feel like something isn't right, SOMETHING AINT RIGHT!

And as of now, I can't even blog anymore.

I'm just dumbfounded. Because as I was writing this post, I figured that shit out.

Bee Is Back!

I've been gone for a minute.. but now I am back! I've just been so busy. Moved in new place. Working my buns off. I turned 24. My bestfriend got engaged on 9.30.12!!! I love BLACK LOVE. So... Since the theme of September turned from horrible to amazing in a matter of moments, I've decided to make a change. Love is the theme of my life. The fact that I was sooo genuinely happy for someone else... it gave me hope for love. Like the Maya Angelou quote said "For those who have given up on love I say 'Trust Life A Little Bit'". Trust life. I am trusting life. I am focused on making my life THIS much better.

Currently addicted to pinterest. Planning Tanya's wedding. Bridal Shower/Bachelorette Party. AND I will begin writing again soon.

I refuse to let another human make me feel anything but Happy & Loved. I cannot give anyone else that much control over me.

Bee patient.


Be patient love... This could be us.

End of An Era

... Yes ladies and gentlemen, it is truly the end of an era. My [x] year long drought of singleness has come to an end. I--- have-- a --- Man. A real life man. No, not Sebastian.. an actual boyfriend.. but since i'm 23, I feel like "boyfriend" is a rather childish term.

But yes. Besides working and searching for a new job/apt, I have been working on my relationship with B. And I love him. Everything is going great.

Wait, no no.. not "love" him.. but like, i like him alot and we mesh well together.

Anywho.. I'm living. Going to get back to blogging again soon.. I promise. Until then I guess i could upload pics.

<3

Walk Away

Moving soon. Needing to get away. Need a change. I'm VERY excited about this change of scenery :)
So I'm guessing this flick is symbolic of me walking away from my past; from all the drama, the stress, the madness, the fuckery-- everything.

A couple of weeks ago I spent an hour at the beach one night just thinking. I walked barefoot through the sand, letting the water splash around my legs.. and I just thought. I cleansed my soul that night. I let everything out. I felt so rejuvenated afterwards but very much open & emotional.

Since then I've been  guarding my heart more. I've let go of so much.. still holding on to some. I just want to be happy again. If that takes continuing to walk further & further away, then so be it. I will continue to walk this long & treacherous path of life.. even if I have to walk alone. Bey said: "I'm known to walk alone but I'm alone for a reason." I feel as if my reason for walking alone is that I need to find myself. I need to figure out exactly who I am before I can attempt to link arms with another.

It's hard to walk away. And I walk away in 6inch platform pumps.

(wo)Man In The Mirror

I would like to blame all of this on Florence but I know better. It’s all me. Why can’t I just accept responsibilities for my actions?! smh. Of course I have to blame every little thing on a man who has somehow done ME wrong and I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
I don’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore. What happened to me? Whatever happened to Bee?! Whatever happened to Brittney?! I miss me terribly. I just want to be HER again. Idk how I let her slip away so easily.. but I did. How can you not even recognize your own reflection?
I used to be so cute to me… Now I’m critiquing everything I see. I hate my body. I hate my hair. I hate everything. blah blah blah.

End of an Era

February 25, 2012 marks the end of the saga known as Anthony & Brittney. I don’t know why I let it go on as long as I did. This has been like 5 years of my life. Consuming all of me. For the last year he was all I ever thought about. He was all I ever wanted. I thought he was going to be the ONE for me. I was thinking marriage. Silly Brittney.
I do not want to be alone. I refuse to be alone. He was just this clutch I had. Something to lean on when things got bad. So I wouldn’t feel like I was alone knowing that I was. Just a safety net. I hate this shit.
It’s like how much must someone show you that they don’t want you for you to finally believe it? How many times do they have to tell you that they just want to be friends for you to believe it?
I believe it now. And it hurts so bad. But this is the best thing for me. ME. I just wanted to have something so bad.
What do I do now? How do I start over & somehow forget all about him? Pretending that things were better. When they weren’t worth shit.
Is your heart still mine?

Decisions

I have to make an adult decision about my love life. I have given myself plenty of opportunities to do shit like this but I always make the wrong decision. Nope. No more! I can’t afford it. I don’t want to let go though…
I do this a lot. I play in to the façade of everything being “great”. I am in love with him. He is in love with me. We are a loving couple. Blah..
I always fuck shit up myself. I hate that about me. I do the wrong thing. I say the wrong thing. I am the wrong thing. I am NOT a safe choice at all. I am so messy. I am literally a mess. I hate it. But it is life. I just want to be happy. One day man.

Bland Blues

shit never changes. always stays the same. I often wonder what the heck I’m doing with my life. To be so close yet so distant is what my heart has been cursed with. I just expected things to change… one day. I thought that if I convinced him to leave her, he would eventually be with me. Ha. funny. I also thought that if I got my own place he’d want to be around me more. If he got to know me he’d finally see how awesome I am. He’d see shit that other guys see. Why can’t he see that shit. Oh the life of Bee. So fuckin depressing at times.
Kind of sad that my friends don’t like it when I’m locked away in my room for long periods of time because they see how “sad” I am. I refuse to say depressed but that may be a better word for how they feel about my situation.
I guess this has to be my outlet for now. Don’t want people to fear the worst. Or be worried that I may attempt suicide. I’ve loved & I’ve lost but.. I will win again. One day.
How do you make someone fall in love with you? Waiting on mother nature to do things for me isn’t working. Cupid was just another caucasian asshole. I cant kidnap him. *sigh* what ever will Brittney do man.

Texas Independence Day

Today is Texas Independence Day.. & I almost feel like my heart is independent from him. Almost. I am trying to become the best me man. And that can only come if I am free from him. 100%. Why am I still somewhat attached. We tried the love thing. Didn't work. Tried the friends only thing. Didn't work. Even tried to mix sex with friendship-- & that failed miserably. I eventually grew tired of things. I felt horrible forever. So much other shit I HAD to deal with... on top of bullshit involving him. I reached the breaking point. I let go. He let go first though. I can admit that. I just made it all official. I am trying to go 30 days without contacting him. It takes 30 days to get over someone.... i heard at least. So this is day.. 6? Yes. Almost a week. It's crazy. Let's go.

So is today MY physical Independence Day? I mean, it definitely isn't a mental one. Ah. I cannot wait until March 25th. That will be the true test. Until then. No more.

It's rather strange... I've not really been communicating with anyone lately. No men. Barely communicating with my friends. Slowly becoming me again though. I need this break away from people so bad. If I only I could tell you EVERYTHING that has been going on with me. Damn. I tried though. I tried my best. I gave it all I had. You cannot say I didn't do that. When I'm there, I'm all in. I'm not even heartbroken. I'm just here.

My "Don't Talk To That Nigga" Fund

The other day I decided that I'll never talk to him again. I give myself $1 everyday I do not try to contact him. No calls, no texts, no tweets, no facebook messages-- NOTHING. Also, I earn another $1 if he tries to contact me & I ignore him.

Seems silly but it's just how I keep sane. I know that I'm better than this situation. Yes, I still "love" him or whatever that feeling is. But I refuse to be stupid. I refuse to let him win.

Thus far I have $5 :)

My goal is to have enough for a flight away from here soon!

I know you've been hurt by someone else.. I can tell by the way you carry yourself. If you let me, here's what I'll do: I'll take care of you! -- I've loved and I've lost ♥

‎" ..kiss me like you miss me, fuck me like you hate me and when you’re fucking someone else just fuck her like she ain’t me..."

Take Care Leaked

.... this means that I've been attacked by "I miss you...." "I want you...." "good morning" "can i see you?" texts since the initially leak of Take Care. Damn Drizzy! I have no idea what to do.. Until I figure it out if this is just a simple "Cuffin Season" misunderstanding, I'm a just chill. I still love that boy. But... we shall see. Cuff on. &hearts;

Endings.

Will. This. Be. The. End. Of. Me.?

Four walls are always surrounding my body. Four walls are surrounding my mind. Four walls are surrounding my heart. Four fucking walls. I feel that wall. Cold fucking wall.

I don't want to be this anymore. I miss what I used to be. I miss writing. I can't even articulate how I fucking feel anymore. Thoughts never seem to translate well onto my screen. I can still feel the word though. As Im typing. It feels hard. And tingly. I love that shit. Doesn't make sense though.

I just want to be happy again. I can't be happy because I am losing my mind. I am losing my mind because you aren't around anymore.

I hate not being perfect. I need to be perfect. I need to do so much. I need to be free. I need it.

I don't know what love is. I thought I knew how it felt but I guess I was wrong there too.

I just want to feel that again.

Summer Love?

I'm ALWAYS there for you... Even when the shit was hurting me too, I put my emotions aside just to be a FRIEND to you & listen.. Have you ever listened to a guy talk to you about another chick that he's trying to be with & you're like "... but i'm PERFECT for you.."

You'd think that someone as open & honest as me wouldn't have these issues...I only asked for you to be honest with me. Let me know when feelings have changed. Not to play with my emotions. Just.Dont.Lie.

I would have been perfectly fine with wasting valuable time if you'd only let me KNOW what was really going on...

You can't seem to see that though. You rather string me along... Well I can't do it any longer. Countless hours of wondering if ONE day shit will change. It's been years, nothing has changed.

Now I must begin the slow, arduous process of deleting you from my life.

Please release me... PLEASE release me! Give me back my heart.

I just want to be happy.