Reflections.

Growing up I looked up to the wrong people. My idols were older family members & friends who I thought were the way I should be. I wanted to be JUST LIKE THEM. They weren't smart. They didn't do anything inspiring. Nope. They just had fun & had the attention of every guy. I went through my awkward stage which I think every child goes through. Mine involved me being overweight & sort of dorky looking. Fat girl with glasses? Yup, that was me. Once I lost weight & begin to hit puberty I came into my own & I felt okay with the way I looked. I just wanted GUYS to look at me the way they looked at my step sisters & their friends/cousins.

They'd go out to the club & let me tag along using one of their friends IDs to get in. Before we'd go there I'd go through the long process of taking my hair out of the uniform high ponytail so that it swung down my back. My girlish clothing was traded in for something short, tight & revealing paired with some tall heels that made me feel sexy. Then I'd take off my glasses and pile on the makeup. I was blind as a bat but damn it I looked GOOD.

This started as a 'club' thing or just something i did when I hung out with my older sisters but eventually it made its way into my everyday wardrobe. I had platform boots, mini skirts, high splits, tight capris, tight jeans-- everything to make me STAND OUT. This would've been okay but I was only in the 8th grade! Traded in my glasses for contacts & thats all she wrote. Cut my hair. Got a relaxer. Became a cheerleader so that I could get EVEN closer to the guys. Practiced my walk daily to get it right. Had to make sure I had just enough swivel to catch the guys attention. & of course I did.

I was no longer the fat girl; the smart black girl; the chick with the glasses; marcus' little sister-- I was ME. I had my own identity. This is when all of the girls in my lil city began to hate me. The same year I gained some confidence I lost most of my 'friends'. Why? Because they said I thought I was all that. They were right. I did. I had to though.

I didn't mind. I had the attention from every dude in Huntsville. I'd walk through the hallways of HHS and everyone knew my name. Every guy wanted to fuck me. Some even wanted to date me. A select few did. *shrugs* It bee like that :).

I lived a double life. Still kept my grades up. Still was the smart black girl. I just had a lil oomph. Drinking. Smoking. Club hopping. Sex. Sneaking out. Lying. I did it all. No really, I did it all. By the time I graduated high school there really wasn't anything I hadn't tried.

Which is why at 21 I'm sort of burned out. I hate clubs. I drink to socialize, not to get drunk. I like to have fun but my idea of fun is now going to the zoo or aquarium (things I should have been enjoying as a child). I grew up too fast. I lost my virginity because I was told i should. Everyone was doing it. I just wanted to get it over with. Scheduled it with a random guy who I had knew for awhile.. He wasn't my boyfriend. Just a dude I was cool with. SMH.

I still use my strut to get guys attention.. I just wish I would've waited a little longer to do things. I wish I would have only had sex with guys I had a real genuine relationship with and not just a guy who I like or thought was cute or who just happened to be around when I was horny or just because I saw he had a big peen. *sigh*. I wish I would have only had sex with the guy I loved.

I should have waited. So to all of my sisters, my real younger sister & all of the others who may read this: It may look fun now but looking back you'll see that you missed out on your youth.. You missed out on having FUN. You grew up too fast. You don't have to have sex with him to keep him. If he leaves you because you won't give him any, then its HIS loss. You're worth way more than that. You don't have to yearn to be grown up because you WILL be a grown up one day. Sex will not keep a man or make some guy like you. He will like your sex, but not really you. I just wish somebody would have told me that when I was 15. Instead I'm here telling you to WAIT.