BET AWARDS

Orgasmic let down. Hot ass mess. Ghetto. SMH
Lets go from beginning to end.. Um too much profanity. We are honoring a LEGEND. Why are we cussing every three seconds? For a Michael Jackson tribute I expected way more and time after time were left wanting more.. After every commercial break I was anticipating something that just didn't come..

Like New Edition had the WORST performance. Singing was awful. They all sounded horrible. And then dude actually did a disgusting Tongue Flick?! Ew.. Like you're singing the jackson five! they were not disgusting in performances. So disrespectful. I felt bad for everyone over the age of 10 in the audience. Even Joe Jackson was there.. Don't do that in front of him!

Even my girl Beyonce.. Ok. That was the same performance from her concert. She sounded nice but I thought she was going to do an MJ tribute song.. Or perform Ego. Hell that is her current single.

Keri Hilson did awesome. I hate to admit that because I'm a die hard Bey STAN lmao. But its true. Miss Keri baby killed it. That was until the super awkward way she ended it.. Everybody was like what?! Are we supposed to join her? lmao. Idk. The MJ costuming was cute. Her mic work was awesome. She had to prove that she has evey right to be the best new artist..

On to Mr. Jamie Foxx. I thought he was going to be the host.. not just a headlining performer & MJ tributer. His jokes were lackluster. His performances were good though. Loved how he & Neyo worked together. Neyo killed it on the vocals though. I never realized how great his voice is. It really did remind me of Michael...

Monica & Keyshia Cole's performance was good.. solid. Preferred hearing Monica. I mean Monica outshined Keyshia..

The oldies were one of my favorites.. lol. Keith sweat.. still sounds the same. Guy. BelBivDevoe (BBD) of course were nice to see on stage expecially since I've gained a new love for the song Poison since it was played at every college function, step show,house party etc..

The O'Jays tribute was good as well. I just love good singers. Trey, Tyrese & Johnny Gill are just that.. Though Mr Gill is a bit old school himself.

Drake & Weezy. Oh my. Just awkwardly bad. I was like why is Drake sitting down?! He is not in a wheelchair in real life.. & even that shit rolled. (I later learnt he hurt his leg/ tore his ACL.. which i know is very painful so he gets a "better luck next time") & then those lil girls on stage & ish. You know that was Lil wayne's daughter & I think Tiny's daughter & some other fast ass girls lol. I mean I wish I could fuck every girl in the world isn't somethin you'd want your daughters to be around.. awkward. & then why did Wayne & Baby nem perform that song that nobody really knows and nobody actually likes. Well i don't like it. I'm just saying.. And all that bleeping which BET MISSED.

Drake has never been a favorite artist of mine. I don't understand his hype. I liked him on Degrassi & was listening to his music because of that but with sooo much hoooplah surround him you'd think he would be great. As a new artist you have to give your all and he clearly isn't.

ok lets wrap it up. The whole show was a mess.

I'm gonna put on a tribute for the great Michael Jackson. Why didn't Chris Brown perform?! Ok so he beat Rihanna's ass. So WHAT?! He admitted his guilt and is working on becoming a better man. We all make mistakes, our's just aren't broadcast for the whole world to see. I mean Rihanna wasn't too hurt if her ass was STILL tryin to get Breezy. She should be penalized for being a stupid girl cuz if he was abusing her she should've had enough sense to leave. He was wrong too.. but this was supposed to be a Michael Jackson tribute and it just was a C for effort.

They need a re-do. This awards show sucked. At least in previous shows Beyonce came out and got everybody hype. The only good "popular" upbeat songs were Keri & Souljah Boy.

Tiny ass is just an embarrassment. Why does she talk like that?! Ghetto ass. I can't watch her new show. All of BET's new shows are gonna be a mess. Can we just boycott BET now?! I'll form a new station if you're with me.. Lets do it. We can do much better than this fuckery and niggashyt.

The Bet Awards embarrassed all black people. thats final..

I'm out. I'm mad. ugh.

Nappy & Loving It

So I wanted to have my air straightened for my upcoming job interviews.. You know just to look more put together. The fro can get a bit unruly sometimes. I am very adamant about not wanting to get a relaxer EVER again.

Of course the beautician tries to swindle me into getting a perm. Like wtf?! I did this for a reason. It wasn't just something I decided on a whim. I debated this for YEARS.

Yes I know its going to be hard.. but don't tell me to perm my edges and sides. Hell thats the softest and most manageable of my textures.

Fuck it. I'm rocking my smedium 'fro. I think I'm beautiful regardless. At least one guy agrees. All the rest can kiss my ass.

Changes 6.8

I got tired of the black background so I made it white. Instantly made the mood a bit more inviting. A black blog with neon colors is soooo oldies anyways. I had that same mindset for the old tripod account wayyy back lmao :)

I have come to realize that I often make my self out to be the victim A LOT. I'm always on some dramatic trip about how this guy sucks or how my life is just so blahh. Well I am to blame. Duh. Of course I do find myself being in the most "fucked up of situations" I still can't put the blame solely on the opposing party. Half of the time the persons whom I am angry with don't even know that I am so why bother.

I contradict myself all the time.. but hey that's me.

I get so upset at this guy that I like who I guess has a thing for me too because he has a girlfriend and I feel that he talks to me way more than he talks to her. Why? I'm jealous. I'd love for him to break up with her. That just seems so wrong but it is the truth. You can't help who you like.. I'll never tell him that he should break up with her though. That is all types of bad in my opinion.

I am like the textual mistress. Najee called me the mistress once. It made me kind of mad since I had that idea in my head already. He was clearly only kidding and I was mad at myself, not him. Anywho, I'm a natural gabber. You can talk to me about anything and I can hold a conversation with anywho. Somehow the conversation lands on sex alot with some people which is how I weed them out of the potentials list.

there is a guy.. his blog is pretty awesome. I don't think I know him, but i read some entries today. Very entertaining. http://edotdizz.blogspot.com

I'm gonna start the cleanse diet thing. You know I'm all for fads. I would love to go out running but I live in Texas. Today it is 104 I believe.. the Heat index is 108. Um I would die if I ran. Its 80-90 at NIGHT!! Too hot to sweat so my only option is this liquid diet. No solids. This means NO splashtown saturday =/ I think i have too much pudgelle for a bikini. I mean I know there will be women and men with far worst bodies than I.. You know how waterparks are. I just don't wanna be that girl with the jiggling booty/thighs and plumpish midsection

Annoyance of 2009

I have a BIG annoyance with the vast number of faux artsy fartsy people who i've come in contact with over the last 2-3yrs. You know the ones who just follow the crowd and become deeply involved into poetry & spoken word, drastically change their hair to some weird bright color, extremely short, dreads etc; then mysteriously turn gay like its the "new black". The attention seekers. Those who just became fans of Erykah Badu & Lauryn Hill's OLD ish last fall. The people who jump on the latest "hot" artist like he is God Send. The people who join the poetry group; try to portray what they think a spoken word artist should sound like. Or want to be a rapper/singer.. But really have no talent. I honestly feel like most people do spoken word when they don't have a REAL talent in a pageant or something. Its like "I can read & change my voice at the correct moment.. Getting louder when I feel the audience should give me a sound reaction". Faux artsy.

They become vegan or stop eating beef because its healthy for them yet.. they still eat fried chicken. That aint healthy. Faux artsy people are just big contradictions themselves.. But I kinda am too. Oh well. At least i'm not trying to be contradictory.. i just have that type of life.. :)

I know everyone is supposed to find themselves in college but must you just conform to how the "cool kids are"? WTF?! .. ugh.

thats all i have to say. Just because you change your hair, spruce up your wardrobe, smoke weed and engage in bi-curious activities doesn't change YOU. Its all a facade. Take off the makeup and look in the mirror.

I'm not crazy.. i'm just a lil unwell

I was recently conversing with Cousin and he informed me that ALL guys say the same thing about me.. I'm crazy, psycho, bi polar.. etc. I don't know why they think that I said.. & he informed me of how I act around guys and things that I have said..

Okay, so if you want to know why the young one thought I was crazy.. There was this one incident where I told him I had a list of 101 ways to kill and torture him and how I could cover up my tracks so that I would not get caught. Realistically I didn't. I promise. But he believed me.. Maybe because i've tried to stab him with a screw driver & the look in my eyes when i did it.. He always hid anything sharp from me, razors, scissors, etc. What a scary ass. Ok so now that I look back that was crazy.. i really liked him tho and i didn't appreciate how he tried to treat me smh.

Idk.. What is crazy about me? I just have this thing in my head where I say or do things as if there is a camera recording it. Like i'm in a movie.. Sometimes I'm actually acting out a scene in my head like "it would be really entertaining if i said this.. did that" and I do it to get a reaction. I'm just kidding though! I think it is funny to get a reaction. I always say jk.. but dudes never believe that.

Cousin says that's why I'm single. I appear to be crazy to guys. I still say that most dudes are intimidated by me and my bluntness. & i don't give the 'right' guy a chance. I am my own worst enemy. Who cares.

I enjoy being single until i'm stuck being 3rd & 5th wheel all the damn time.

Maybe I should cross over?? Ok.. I'm now accepting all races. :)

Hauntings of My Mind..

Where shall i begin.. Oh lets just speak the normal blabber jabber that im notorious for. Disregard the horrible grammar but my thought process has yet to be molded by the great english professors of spelman ha.ha.

My fears.. I'm really afraid of the dark.. but only because I always feel as if there is something lurking in the shadows or in the closet watching me. I get the weirdest vibe when I fall asleep in my room so I prefer to sleep on the couch. Everytime I lay down to sleep or nap I feel like death is only moments away. Its a really strange feeling. Its like an intense feeling that overcomes me. Imagine someone pressing an anvil on your forehead and you have to push it off with your thoughts along. ok that made no sense but it scares me..

Sometimes I think that i'm already dead and this is just the "after life" that i'm living and at the end I'll get to watch this tape back and relive it all over and over again. What is that is all life is. A repetition of scenes recorded in our minds that we have to watch from start to finish over and over again. Like a virtual reality world.

I still believe there is some unknown presence in my room. A haunting soul. Its the creepiest part of the house. Idk why. Weird things happen. I can be in any other room and it all seems normal.. but that room. That window.. that closet. The window really freaks me out. i have to have the blinds & curtains closed at all times. The closet is creepy because I'm pretty positive something threw my sleeping bag out of it.. It couldn't have fell down from the shelf. It had to have a force to act upon it because of the distance and height it came out straight on before falling straight down at least a yard away from its original position.

Maybe its all in my mind. but i'm not crazy :)

I had a conversation with my cousin.. but it won't fit this.. to be continued.

Cunnilingus?

Do you know what cunnilingus is? Well maybe you should google it :)

When did guys all bond together and decide that performing this sex act was the way to go? When did it become okay to do this with someone other than the Wife? Where was I when this transition occurred. Maybe like the Digital transition that happened that nobody realized until days later..

I say this because lately I'm come across many guys who enjoy cunnilingus like its the new pair of Js. SMH. I remember when you could not pay a guy to do that to you yet he always enjoy fellatio as if it were the ultimate test of "do you like me? well.." I'm not mad at this at all. Maybe its more of a young guy thing. Older more experienced guys have no problem with this at all.. but shall i tell you all a secret? Well my first oral encounter happened when I was on twelve.

Yes. I said it. 12 years of age. He was 16. It started out as a kiss. My first kiss actually. Then he asked if he could "*** ** ***" and I didn't know what it meant so I said "ok". I figured it was like a french kiss with a twist. Of course it was not. I was shocked. I was a virgin. I felt tainted afterwards, especially when he asked for me to return the favor and I said Hell no. I mean when I was that age, I knew that good girls didn't do that and only slutty white girls gave head. That wasn't I. I was the prudish girl who got her first kiss at the age of 12 by a guy who clearly took advantage of her. Needless to say it didn't go farther than that and I was back asleep in my sister's bed like nothing happened.

The next time I experienced this sexual act I was in 11th grade. Again he was a couple of years older. 19 perhaps. Then senior year of course. My guy was in his 20s. Fast forward to college: MOST GUYS DO IT. ON the first night. To me, it became more of a "well I won't have sex with you but we can just.. watch tv" and most guys can't watch tv without trying something. So of course they think that just because you get the cunnilingus action going on then it may be easier to go "all the way, may!" with you. Exact opposite. If I reach an orgasm, there is no need to continue.

To me, this act became a "get back" thing. I used it to feel empowered by all males who have used women for sex. Yes in my twisted little mind I became a feminist by using guys for what I wanted. The best part about this was not returning the favor. That was my ultimate kick in the balls moment. For everytime I guy has hit it and quit or slept with the best friend or sent nude pics of her to all his friends. SMH

Of course, I'm not sayint that I've never did anything. Thats up to you to decide I suppose. Its no secret. I'm no virgin. I do what I want and with whomever I choose. But of course there is a double standard. Of course this type of behaviour is not common with the female sex. This is strictly a guy trait. But why should men have all the fun. All of the pleasure.

To me performing oral of a guy and getting no oral in return is the same as bowing down to a man and being submissive to him. Sorry. I can't rock with that. I refuse to be used as some sex pawn. My sexuality is apart of me spiritually and I cannot give my all to someone who does not want to or refuses to give me the same as I have given him or MORE. Maybe this seemingly male characteristic that I possess comes from the fact that I grew up around all boy cousins and brothers. I hung out with mostly guys because girls were very fake and catty. Most were jealous because of what I accomplished, who I got attention from, or how I looked. This is obviously common to most females- but anywho.. I bonded better with guys and for the longest I had many males friends who considered me "just one of the guys" which is a nice place to be.

I was always protected. I felt protected. I learnt so much from just observing them. What they said in front of the ladies and what was said behind their backs. Of course this gave me an uncanny bullshit radar which is AWESOME. I know how guys front. I know how far a guy will go to get what he wants and how he will always tell his friends once he got it. By being around them, I began to act like them in some sorts. I have very traditionally masculine traits. I try not to be so sexy.. but then again i realize that sexyness just exuberates throught my person. Even in sweats and a hoodie I can grab the eye of a man. Maybe its my geisha background lmao.

So with this being said: when did cunnilingus become the latest fad? Do you know how many guys will just walk up to you and say "Damn, I just wanna taste it" Boy sit down. SMH. And of course since my name is Bee, guys always text referring to tasting the honey. I think i'm to blame. Ever since that halloween costume its been all types of bad.

I think the sudden surge in cunnilingus interest is mostly in the black community. I have discovered that alot of white girls still prefer to just please than be pleased.

Well whatever you like do it well. This has been a sex blog. Enjoy.
Maybe my novel will reflect this. Hmm. You know what they say; Sex sells :)

Ego? for what?!

"It's too big, it's too wide.. too strong, won't fit"? Now, before Beyonce released this single I knew a few guys who thought this was true but of course it wasn't. SMH. I was really cool with this one guy. He was absolutely beautiful and i was instantly smitten with him. He'd always just hang out with me outside after I was coming from the library or just met me to walk me back to campus. sometimes we'd just sit out and talk. We even communicated all throughtout the break and we never even kissed before. Well of course, after I got back to campus after christmas break I just knew we'd be together. I mean we talked about all that good ish. He was so cool. We had alot in common. he even talked to my mom on a few occasions. Awesome guy. So one night we're in his room and we're just chillen. Talkin. Drinking. The usual. I'm not getting drunk though, just sipping.. Then of course things began to progress. You know kissing and whatnot...

soon the kissing became intense. alot of touching.. really passionate. YOu already know whats bout to happen next. I'm very observant.. so even though all the lights were off, i could still see him pull out a condom and place it on the edge of the bed while we're kissing. I pay it no mind.. but quickly swiped it off the bed and kicked it under the bed so he couldn't find it. By now he's naked.. and i'm trying to see what he's workin with before I decide to go there with him.. Hmmm.. i take a look at it and i see its not really impressive. but maybe he's not "up" yet.. so i coyly ask him in his ear was he "excited" and he says yes and frantically starts to look for the rubber.. well he couldn't find it.. but i got a glimpse of his package from the street light beamin thru the window.. oh my. it was the size of my thumb. literally my thumb. and i have the smallest hands for an adult woman! width & length. my thumb. 2-3inches erect. wtf. i made up some excuse bout how we couldn't have sex and that it would just be awkward or i couldn't do it.. and got up and left in a huff. didn't even ask for him to walk me back. i was pissed.

he talked about sex soo much and i just knew he was packing. but he was clearly the smallest guy i've ever met. but he's beautiful. I don't see how anyone could have sex with that.. i think i'd smother him =/ I feel bad because after that encounter I never hung with him again. Rejected movie dates, study sessions.. everything. I just couldn't see myself forming anything with him.

Maybe i'm worst off than guys who can't seem to get with someone who cant please them sexually. I know he could be a nice guy but luckily he wasn't. He told me his views on women. I knew he only wanted sex (later on.. found out the hard way). I even found out he had sex with a "friend" who was inexperienced who said he was horrible.

Glad i didn't find out the hard way.. *more to come*