#Celibacy2017

5 years ago i vowed to be celibate the entire year of 2012. I didn't even last a month.

This year is different, I think. I was watching random interviews on youtube and kept stumbling across Meagan Good talking about how she was celibate before meeting and marrying her now husband. 

And then I began questioning my own reasons for having sex.

Why? It feels good. I enjoy it. But does it make me a better person? Am I ok without it? Am I just obsessed with the dick/sex and not the person attached to it?? 

So after many failed attempts at love, the fact that Trump is getting rid of abortion, and birth control will no longer be free, my ass has decided to be celibate. I guess.

I guess, because I may be writing to you later on to tell you that I changed my mind. Or that I'm secretly married just to have sex. You never know with me.

It has been 26 days since I've had sex. The last time was pretty great too.

I miss it. I'm horny af. I get annoyed by everyone and everything. My old flings still want my ass.

I've lost some weight though. Maybe i'll work out instead of having sex. I doubt that will work but oh well.

Anywho, I have nothing else to say. I think I'm gonna turn this into the celibacy chronicles... Maybe blogging again will be more interesting now that I crave dick I can't have. 

Peace.

oh yea. I have a podcast coming out this year. If you want me on your show, you know where to reach me. Well... yea whatever. 

Loved & Lost Again

I was certain that He was the one. But as always I was loud and wrong. I just knew I had met my King. He made me feel beautiful when others made me feel like I was nothing special. Grabbed handfuls of my flaws and stared my insecurities in the eyes and said "I love this".
He kissed away my fears. He wiped away tears. And then as fast as he came, he was gone. My King was gone. Found another Queen like he had done a few times before. Gave me way less when I wanted more.

But if he doesn't love me, then who will? Am I destined to be alone forever? Without him, who am I?

So I lost my King to the same bitch I once took him from. I guess my love wasn't really what he wanted. Karma. She is forever kicking my ass. Karma. She will forever make her sweet presence known.

Oh well. His family loved her even when he thought I could be a replacement. I should have ran away when he said that he didn't think he wanted to get married. Or when he said he didn't know if he wanted to have kids or not. But when he asked if I would be ok with that, I lied and said I would.

But that's Brittney. Always willing to sacrifice her wants for just a smidgen of happiness. So did I really lose? Am I unhappy? Is she better than me? Is he better off without me? Will I move on? Why can't I cry? I guess I'm just done... or am I really numb? Better than being dumb.

Rainy Hearts

I tried to build many relationships under fallacies and fairytales. I convinced myself that I didn't want more than sex because I believed that sex was all that I had to give. I didn't believe I could be a supportive girlfriend. I didn't think that I was able to be the person he came home to every night and unleashed all the turmoil from his day to. That his head couldn't lay in my lap as my fingertips gently caress his head assuring him that "everything's ok." I wasn't able to be a rock for him to lean on when things became too much for him to stand alone. I wasn't capable of picking up the pieces of his soul after the world has broken him down. I didn't think that I was enough. So even though I wasn't sure if I could be the woman he needed when things got serious, I knew that at least my pussy could suffice for awhile.

Maybe I couldn't have dinner waiting on the stove for him after a long days work but I could have my pussy waiting for him to devour. I probably couldn't be a spiritual guide but his soul- I can definitely steal with just one touch from these lips. Can't build him up but my with these hips, he can grip, and stay balanced. Never asking "how was your day?" But instead moaning out "fuck me harder".

So yes, I'm a mess. I knew the role I could play. I never let myself be the wife because being a mistress was much more fun... or just easier. Both sides of my bed belong to me. I don't have to decide between Housewives or ESPN. I can still be alone yet be held for part of the night. I thought that I was ok with just having that. I thought I was ok with not forming meaningful bonds with men. I thought I wasn't ready for love.

Of course, I failed at the casual sex game many times before. I ended up falling more than intended. Feelings were formed despite how hard I tried to convince myself that just sex was enough. Occasionally he'd spend the night and I'd feel so safe in his arms that it almost felt like this was it, this was the real thing. And suddenly he's gone leaving me once more to figure out if what I was feeling was another fairytale in my head and not me actually breaking down the walls surrounding my cold heart.
Was my heart really frozen because I was incapable of love or was that what I told myself after constantly ending up feeling the adverse affects of love? Did I run away from relationships because I knew that it wouldn't last or was I afraid that it actually would? Am I creating tumultuous relationships just to keep my mind off the fact that I am alone day after day? Does the faux drama give me an excuse to blame everything on men not being honest and breaking my heart when the truth is I'm the one who is dishonest about my true intentions.
If I can distract him with my ass, will he forget that I'm a mess?

Or maybe when I tried to tell him how I feel he didn't understand me because he's shoved his dick down my throat?

Did he become distracted by my cleavage whenever I try to get his attention?

Or maybe it was my ass bouncing up and down in his lap that made it hard for him to concentrate on what I really needed.

I replaced love with orgasms. And it still will never be enough.

Whenever I try to change, my past comes back to haunt me. Those "I miss you" messages are really saying "I'm horny and you came to mind."

When he said I love you, he was talking to my pussy and not me.

At first I felt that was enough. I guess I changed.

But now I have to figure out out of all the love affairs I've had, were any of them true? Did I really form a bond beyond friendship or sexual admiration with these men? Do any of them really know me or do they only know my ass? Do they understand my needs or just my high sex drive?

Am I enough?

Can I meet his parents as his girlfriend and not just his friend? Will they understand that not only do I love his dick, but I love their son as well?

Do I even know how to decipher between the love I have for his dick and for him?

One day you find yourself crying in a dark room because the silence has become too loud for your empty bed and you crave for another body to just lay beside you. And when that body comes, you know that it wasn't the body you wanted but you settle because it will do. For now at least.

And then that's not even enough. Maybe if I had given love a try back then I'd be in love now. Maybe I broke too many hearts by declaring that my body could fuck whoever whenever she wanted.

That shit backfired. Or maybe I just grew up. Another rainy day heart.

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

Never settle.

And I mean this in EVERY aspect of life-- but definitely never settle in a relationship.

I settled. For years I settled for the almost & not quite guys instead of exactly what I was looking for. I'm confident in every aspect of my being UNTIL it comes to my love life.

For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for love. I've read all the books about it; Watched all the movies; Listened to all the songs. I have worked diligently for years trying to find that LOVE that young girls dream about. I planned my wedding when I was 8. I knew I'd be married at 22 & have kids by 24. I knew all of this. At 25, I don't have any of it. I have nothing.

Why? Because I settled.

One day I woke up and felt that I wasn't good enough for what I truly wanted so I just took what was placed in front of me and ran with it. Maybe that's not 100% true but i really don't feel like going into the depts of why I am this way.

I fall hard & fast. Either I love you or I don't care about you at all. This isn't healthy. It's hard for me to just be single because I was always trying to prove to myself & everyone else that I wasn't the girl that couldn't get a man. Nothing was wrong with me! I can keep a man! So I dealt with so much shit. I put up with more than most people because I was afraid of being alone. Looking around & you see everyone you went to high school with married with children and you're just like... "What about me? What did I do wrong??"

I did everything i was supposed to do in my eyes. I guess i just stayed with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

I settled. Never took a break between men. It was always #OnToTheNextOne because my girl Beyonce taught me that men were definitely not Irreplaceable and I could certainly have another one in a minute.. and he was literally there in a minute. Infidelity. Lies. Hurt. Man... I been through it all.

All for Love. All for this idea that a 25 year old single woman is an anomaly. We are damaged goods. Old news. Spoiled milk. I don't have kids but my ex has two and they aren't by me!? I'm definitely not doing it right. There is just so much going wrong with my life and I felt like I was going to drown in my own sorrows. My tears became invisible but I still wept for the children I never had.

Is this what my life has become? All of my friends are having babies now. And I've never felt more alone.

It's a very weird feeling. I'm happy for them.. but I felt horrible. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn't able to enjoy the Love that was growing inside of them for my own selfish reasons and I hated myself for it. Why can't I be in love? Why can't I be a mother? Why can't I start a family? I was a mess.

One day I decided to leave my pity party. I realized that 25 wasn't the end but merely the beginning. Everyone doesn't have to have kids so early in their 20s. Everyone doesn't have to be with a guy just because they've been together a long time and starting over at this age is a death sentence.

I am happy. I will fall in love with whomever God has chosen for me. I will have children if & when God says is right for me.

I wasted so many years trying to make something work with the wrong guy and putting up with nonsense because I was afraid to be alone but... being alone is nice. The silence is very much loud. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at times but I am ok. No more settling.

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

2013

It's been FOUR months since my last post and...

That's wayyyy too long! I'm trying my best to blog more frequently.

I'm so lost right now. I am searching for love in all the wrong places. Keep falling into the same traps. Letting certain someone come and go as he pleases. It's just... A lot going on right now. I just want love. That's what we all want. I must be strong. Pray for strength. I know better. I know better! I.Know.Better.

Like, now because of lurking I've found out that my boo is still very much in a relationship with his ex. And he's been driving her car to come see me these last few months.

I'm not mad. Always trust your gut. ALWAYS. You may be called crazy, but your body is a wonderful instrument. Your mind is a powerful tool. If you feel like something isn't right, SOMETHING AINT RIGHT!

And as of now, I can't even blog anymore.

I'm just dumbfounded. Because as I was writing this post, I figured that shit out.

End of An Era

... Yes ladies and gentlemen, it is truly the end of an era. My [x] year long drought of singleness has come to an end. I--- have-- a --- Man. A real life man. No, not Sebastian.. an actual boyfriend.. but since i'm 23, I feel like "boyfriend" is a rather childish term.

But yes. Besides working and searching for a new job/apt, I have been working on my relationship with B. And I love him. Everything is going great.

Wait, no no.. not "love" him.. but like, i like him alot and we mesh well together.

Anywho.. I'm living. Going to get back to blogging again soon.. I promise. Until then I guess i could upload pics.

<3

My "Don't Talk To That Nigga" Fund

The other day I decided that I'll never talk to him again. I give myself $1 everyday I do not try to contact him. No calls, no texts, no tweets, no facebook messages-- NOTHING. Also, I earn another $1 if he tries to contact me & I ignore him.

Seems silly but it's just how I keep sane. I know that I'm better than this situation. Yes, I still "love" him or whatever that feeling is. But I refuse to be stupid. I refuse to let him win.

Thus far I have $5 :)

My goal is to have enough for a flight away from here soon!

Summer Love?

I'm ALWAYS there for you... Even when the shit was hurting me too, I put my emotions aside just to be a FRIEND to you & listen.. Have you ever listened to a guy talk to you about another chick that he's trying to be with & you're like "... but i'm PERFECT for you.."

You'd think that someone as open & honest as me wouldn't have these issues...I only asked for you to be honest with me. Let me know when feelings have changed. Not to play with my emotions. Just.Dont.Lie.

I would have been perfectly fine with wasting valuable time if you'd only let me KNOW what was really going on...

You can't seem to see that though. You rather string me along... Well I can't do it any longer. Countless hours of wondering if ONE day shit will change. It's been years, nothing has changed.

Now I must begin the slow, arduous process of deleting you from my life.

Please release me... PLEASE release me! Give me back my heart.

I just want to be happy. 

All Up In My Feelings, Texas

"Cuz I can't forget your ways.. I still remember our first kiss" -- Tweet [Smoking Cigarettes]
I could write a fucking Odyssey like epic poem based on how I'm feeling right now. I can't believe I'm still here and this is the final outcome. Believing what he told me even though his actions clearly said otherwise. Holding on by a fucking microscopic thread... while he didn't even fight for me. He got what he wanted. It wasn't me obviously. I'm an adult so I can admit it. Bee did not win this round, this fight. Another knock out. And frankly, I don't want to fight anymore... I don't want to think about what could have been or what we had. He must really LOVE her and not me. That's the hardest thing to get. He doesn't care about me. AT all. I'm just another. Simply another. I need to just start over.. but I don't want to. "I did it all for love, I did it ALL. I traded it all for ya, I traded all" There honestly wasn't one measly thing that I wouldn't and didn't do for him. If he asked, & it was within my grasp-- el fin. No questions. But now he has to think about me whenever he listens to his music, looks in his mirror.. wears that hat---- yea its ALL me. I did that. And all I ever wanted was a thank you. Just a simple thank you. *sigh*
At the end of the day, we just want to feel wanted, needed, & loved. If you can't make me feel that way then why hold on?
Just stuck on the fact that he didn't even try to fight for me.. my love was worthless to him.

Take It All - Adele

Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn't I do it right
Did I let you down

Maybe you got too used to
By having me around
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears.
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here

[Chorus]
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love

Maybe I should leave
To have you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need
So is it over?
Is this really you've given up so easily?
I thought you loved me more than this

[Chorus]

I would change if I must
Slow it down and bring it home
I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew
Everything I do
Is for you

[Chorus]

Punk Ass Otis

So much shit has happened lately. Finally told Otis bitch ass where he could STICK it. So I'm outside of Tonya's apartment giving these items I bought online to a friend of mine when an SUV pulls up beside me. At first I just figured they needed to get by since I was bent over and blocking traffic with my rather large arse, until they stopped. As the car slows down I see that it is the bitch named Otis who begins to roll his window down, smiling from ear to ear & is trying to get at me. *slow eye roll* Before he could get out the "Hey what's up?" I was already in full fledge ghetto Bee mode yelling out a bunch of obscenities (in a non yelling tone of course.. i'm not that ghetto & there were Caucasians around. Can't act up to much during Black History Month) that went something like "Nigga don't hey what's up me with your ol lying ass! Oh I want you huh? I'm always calling to get with you? REALLY? and you dont know how I got your number?? And your ass was STILL calling me private until I changed my number?!" All the while I'm trying to reach through the window as he's rolling it up. THEN I go to open the door and this fucker has the audacity to lock it! He's SUCH a bitch nigga. I just want to slap him. That's it. That's all I want to do. Punch him. Slap him. Not because he lied, as he's done numerous times before... but because of the simple fact that he's actually making people believe that I WANT HIM. I don't want HIM! I haven't wanted him since I had him. Barely wanted his ass then. I was just young... Don't lie on me. That's ridiculous. I had my 4698 number since 2003-2004. He's had it since 2005. Of course I wouldn't have to get his number from any fucking body since his ass is steady CALLING me... But he hasn't since I changed my number in January & he will NOT get this one. Not only were you lying on me but you AND your baby mama decide to talk about me. To make her feel better, you felt the need to lie about me? Then she carries those lies to her job with a bunch of other nonsense? Yea. Real. Fucking. Classy.

Unavailable

Sucks when you find out that the guy you're interested in is actually involved with someone else.. Maybe possibly "in love". Oh thats the fatal flaw of Bee. Always falling for perceivably unavailable men.

Over It All

You know the feeling you get in your stomach when you see the guy you're madly in love with, with someone else?? And you see her and you wonder to yourself "Why Her?" Why wasn't it me? Why is he engaged to her so suddenly when just months ago you were told he wasn't ready for a commitment?? *sigh* I could go on & on about the whys and whoas and poor me but the fact still remains that its NOT me. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't love me.

It's not like this is surprising. The signs were all there. I knew it, I just didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to face the fact that I was indeed replaceable and had been discarded long ago. I didn't want to face the fact that I will never be more than what I am today to him.

Lessons has been learned though. I will NEVER let a guy try to change me.

He wanted me to change my hair. Wanted me to change how I act. I can't be anyone other than me. That's the final verdict. I'm done talking about this... I'm over it all.

My Temporary Fix

You should know that you're just a TEMPORARY fix. This is not rooted with you, it don't mean that much to me. You're just a FILLER in the space that happened to be free.. How DARE you think you'd get away with trying to PLAY me.


Now, I thought that I had something for a minute. A brief minute. I knew that it was nothing but I felt like it could have been more. The bad thing about it is that I actually did feel that way. I needed something, and I got it but now its blah. Its not as great as it once was. Still no satisfaction. Ugh. 


Such a fucking temporary fix. I'm glad I have something better. Just takes time. Why must it be so far away? Sadly, there is no competition though that is what one may think. The best is the best. This just doesn't compare. Understand? 


Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak and running around


I'm too damn old for this shit.

Trashy & the Tranny

Yall want to hear drama. I will GIVE you the drama. Unfortunately its the same little fake eyebrows having, tranny lookin, stalkerish, obsessed & delusional heffa who has a baby by that guy I was involved with in hs (you know the one whose car got keyed??) Anywho, so this heffa works with my brother's girlfriend & feels the need to discuss me and MY business whenever she gets the chance to breathe. If its not one thing its another..

It would be totally okay if she wasn't saying such outlandish and untrue things. So apparently I dyed my hair brown to look like her sister... huh?? Bee has never dyed her hair brown. And if you really wanna take it there, I've been coloring her hair (with rinses & semi permanent dyes of course) since I was 16... around the same time I was with the lame ass nigga that she's taking care of now. OOP. She has also says I wear alot of makeup to work and her and Duce see me everytime they come to my job. Oh did I say a name? Hahahaha.

Also she claims that my brother is very good friends with Duce -____-. She also felt the need to say that I got his number from someone else... but I mean my number has been the same since 2004. He's had my number since 2005. Of course he'll still know it by heart. Of course he'll still call me. Of course you making him change his number will NOT change this tidbit at all. Sad, sad girl.

But I never discuss her. I never say anything about her life because it doesn't concern me. She likes to call me broke yet her car got repossessed & she got evicted. OOP. She has three kids and only half ass takes care of one of em. OOP. I could report her ass for getting high & smoking around her kids (yes the baby too) but nahhh.. Aint gonna do that.

I think she's just a fan of mine. She probably wants to fuck me too. My name is always in her mouth. Unfortunately I'm not into girls.. and even if I were she's sooo not attractive to me at all. I hope she knows that he just hooks up with whoever will let him lay up with them. Only thing he can do for me is use the tongue  but I wouldn't even let him do that. Trashy ass. Please, he's a pothead. Broke ass nigga. Childish ass. Child molester. Dirty. Liar. Both of them need to find a new hobby... but obsessing over me will hold them over until they do.

El Fin.

LOVE? And other feelings..

What is this thing called LOVE? 

Can anyone answer this simple question for me?? How do you know if you truly love someone? If someone asks you WHY you love them, & you have nothing to say does it mean you really don't love them? 

I'm a bit confused. I don't know how I feel or if what I'm feeling is "really real". Maybe I'm just tired of being alone so I'm forcing my mind to think my heart is feeling something that isn't there. Maybe I'm faking it. Maybe. Idk.

We kissed tonight. First time this year. It felt like old times. He was just like "Give me a kiss before you leave..." and of course I didn't oblige. I'm not a real fan of kissing but his kisses are different. I yearn for them. I go back for more... 

It started out as a simple closed mouth kissed then slowly his lips parted & mine did as his.. and quickly turned passionate.It was sweet though. That one kiss brought back a barrage of memories and feelings that I buried long ago; or at least I thought I did. I love him, I think. Me and him kinda felt right for a moment.. 

We talked about stupid shit. He stared at me for awhile talking about certain facial features I possess. And then I... Well thats's the end of that. The rest shall remain unwritten.

Dramz of Course

I'm just so tired of it all. You have no idea how drained I have been. All I want to do is work and have a good time by myself. *sigh*

So many half ass written blog entries that probably won't ever be seen by anyone other than me. Love letters devoted to loves that never were and never will be. Tears that won't be shed. Just.... I don't know.

You'd think that super single me wouldn't have guy drama but inevitably my past still haunts me. I'm still being blamed for breaking up "happy homes". Hmmmm, I think we shall explore this further..

Once upon a time, I made the mistake for falling for an older man. I was 15 about to turn 16 and he was 21. In the end, I was used, lied to and got myself in a LOT of drama that no teenage girl should be involved with. Fast forward to now.. that same guy somehow finds his way back into my life. The plot thickens though. He is now involved with the older sister of one of my closest friends. She tries to use a fake friendship between us to get information about his first baby mama-- the one i had ALL the drama with. She invites me over to their apartment and while she's in the bathroom or has her head turned he's blowing kisses my way and telling me to call him. He's also CALLING me every chance he gets. But hey I mean, can you blame him? She finds out and accuses me of being a fake friend and now feels the need to tell the whole world how I'm trying to take her man. I let the shit go. I move on. It doesn't end just there. She begins to lie to my brother's girlfriend about me.. Basically she becomes obsessed with me. She even comes up to my job to see if i'm working or not. Hahaha. How pathetic can you get?! She also makes her "man" change his number so I won't be able to contact him.. Unfortunately he still has my number memorized and decides to call me private all the damn time. I constantly tell him to STOP calling but he doesn't listen.

Whew. I tried to condense like 5 years of nonsense into a ball of blabber jabber. Oh but wait there's more.

but I'll save that for another time. Just know that I have so much drama in my life. I just want to be happy & alone. Why can't these hoes leave me alone???

I Like Big Dicks

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Temporary Fixes

I feel sorry for those of you who feel as if you're not complete unless you're in a relationship... So you end up bouncing from person to person trying to find something. Trying to hold on to something that was never there to begin with. If you cannot be whole alone, why on earth do you think that another person (who probably bounces around as well) will be able to complete you? Find yourself before you go looking for someone else. If you don't, you'll always be looking for something you won't find and you'll settle for anything that comes your way. Are you really THAT desperate that you'll get with any one who asks? How does it feel to always be with someone you don't really want? To be the next best thing? To be just another person to fill the emptiness momentarily? You are just a temporary fix. You will be used up then tossed aside. You will not be a permanent fixture. You will be replaced. You are just a temporary fix. Temporary. Replaceable.

Things Guys Do That Annoys Me

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