Let's Be Honest

I don't know what I'm doing.
I have no idea what I am doing with my life.
My life has become a series of unfortunate events that seem too dramatic to be real life.
My life is a made for tv drama.
Or a romantic comedy- minus the romance. Borderline psychological thriller.
My life is pathetic.

I often convince myself that things are better than they actually are.
I tell myself that I'm happy when I'm not in hopes that one day it'll be true.
I pretend that relationships are healthy when in reality it's killing me slowly.
I act tough when in fact I'm a mere shell of a person.
I'm weak.
I'm unstable.
I'm always moments away from crying.
I'm foolish.
I'm afraid.
I'm always making things more difficult than they need to be.

I can't speak up for myself.
It's easier to act like things don't affect me when every little thing does.\
I'm sensitive as fuck. My feelings are easily hurt. I am once again right where I said I'd never be..

Let's be honest for once in our lives. Let's learn to live a life worthy of living. Let's be real.
Let's open up and live the way we ought to live.

I'm Here..

I know I said I'd write more but... my mind has been everywhere but HERE. So here's a few updates on mi vida loca.

I've recently begun venturing into the world of tarot cards giving readings to friends, family members, coworkers and even strangers online and over the phone. It's nice to finally be able to put my skills to use for the good of others. I enjoy helping people and I've made a nice bit of money doing it. So if you're interested in receiving a reading- vividlybland@gmail.com is the best place to reach out to me.

Trying to cut out bread and sugar from my diet. Its HARD. Lost 15lbs so far. I need to do more though. Exercise and whatnot but you know how my mind is everywhere so thats a struggle. I lack focus but I have the drive.

I'm so over my job. The people there are so fake. I can't take it. It sucks being a black woman in my field but its only a temporary stop for me until i'm able to do what I really want and not have to but on an ugly uniform and be around people who don't want to see others do well. Stay tuned. I'll divulge into specifics in a later post. I promise, I shall spend extra time on my blog. Writing is my one true passion... Everything that I do comes straight from it.

New Beginnings

First I'd like to tell everyone who may possibly STILL read my blog, Happy New Year and I'm sorry. I've let Vividly Bland become a big pile of nothingness but lets be hopeful that 2015 will bring in more blog entries and more content for everyone to enjoy! I have big plans for building my brand this year. I have dreams of becoming a mogul and I believe I may finally be ready. Sometimes we stand in our own way. We are exactly where we are in life because we made the choices to be here. So no more excuses. It's time to work.

Towards the end of 2014 I had numerous conversations with my friends about our dreams and aspirations we had right out of high school. What did we truly want to do yet we were too afraid to?? Why weren't we out chasing our dreams? We have so much potential to do great things yet we settle for mediocrity. So I set out to do whatever it is that I put my mind to. Right now its: Tarot Cards.

I finally purchased my first deck of tarot cards and I have done about 4 readings so far. Apparently they were a hit because I now have more people asking where am I located and when I can give them a reading. I don't think I'm ready to do strangers just yet. I need to learn the entire deck and study each card thoroughly so that I can give an accurate reading with no awkward pauses. BUT I will say that my readings were very much on point. I know that some may view the cards as some evil black magic that is not of God but I feel like anything revealed to me through the cards are indeed messages from God to help the person I'm pulling cards for. Nothing I say will be anything that you don't already know or have thought about. Like pulling the Devil and Death card in ONE reading was scary at first but by the placement of it... I knew that there was nothing to worry about. No one is going to die.

So this year we will focus on developing our craft and doing exactly what we want to do. I feel that for the last 26 years of my life I have existed only to please others. Today, I am ready to move on and have fun. Cheers to a wonderful and successful 2015!
-Bee

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

Never settle.

And I mean this in EVERY aspect of life-- but definitely never settle in a relationship.

I settled. For years I settled for the almost & not quite guys instead of exactly what I was looking for. I'm confident in every aspect of my being UNTIL it comes to my love life.

For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for love. I've read all the books about it; Watched all the movies; Listened to all the songs. I have worked diligently for years trying to find that LOVE that young girls dream about. I planned my wedding when I was 8. I knew I'd be married at 22 & have kids by 24. I knew all of this. At 25, I don't have any of it. I have nothing.

Why? Because I settled.

One day I woke up and felt that I wasn't good enough for what I truly wanted so I just took what was placed in front of me and ran with it. Maybe that's not 100% true but i really don't feel like going into the depts of why I am this way.

I fall hard & fast. Either I love you or I don't care about you at all. This isn't healthy. It's hard for me to just be single because I was always trying to prove to myself & everyone else that I wasn't the girl that couldn't get a man. Nothing was wrong with me! I can keep a man! So I dealt with so much shit. I put up with more than most people because I was afraid of being alone. Looking around & you see everyone you went to high school with married with children and you're just like... "What about me? What did I do wrong??"

I did everything i was supposed to do in my eyes. I guess i just stayed with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

I settled. Never took a break between men. It was always #OnToTheNextOne because my girl Beyonce taught me that men were definitely not Irreplaceable and I could certainly have another one in a minute.. and he was literally there in a minute. Infidelity. Lies. Hurt. Man... I been through it all.

All for Love. All for this idea that a 25 year old single woman is an anomaly. We are damaged goods. Old news. Spoiled milk. I don't have kids but my ex has two and they aren't by me!? I'm definitely not doing it right. There is just so much going wrong with my life and I felt like I was going to drown in my own sorrows. My tears became invisible but I still wept for the children I never had.

Is this what my life has become? All of my friends are having babies now. And I've never felt more alone.

It's a very weird feeling. I'm happy for them.. but I felt horrible. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn't able to enjoy the Love that was growing inside of them for my own selfish reasons and I hated myself for it. Why can't I be in love? Why can't I be a mother? Why can't I start a family? I was a mess.

One day I decided to leave my pity party. I realized that 25 wasn't the end but merely the beginning. Everyone doesn't have to have kids so early in their 20s. Everyone doesn't have to be with a guy just because they've been together a long time and starting over at this age is a death sentence.

I am happy. I will fall in love with whomever God has chosen for me. I will have children if & when God says is right for me.

I wasted so many years trying to make something work with the wrong guy and putting up with nonsense because I was afraid to be alone but... being alone is nice. The silence is very much loud. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at times but I am ok. No more settling.

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

Baddie Bey

While I was on hiatus, soooo much shit happened. BEYONCE took over 2013 and it's still Black History Month. From singing the National Anthem at the 44th President's Inauguration, to slaying the Super Bowl Half-Time show AND snatching the wigs & edges off of EVERY naysayer with the superb HBO documentary Beyonce: Life Is But A Dream--- Yes. It is #BeySeason, and you will deal. Late last year Bey even joined Instagram as BaddieBey and aint a truer name in the world for my girl. 

This woman is perfection! How can you NOT like her? Why don't you love her? Tell me baby, why don't you love her?! When she makes herself SO DAMN EASY TO LOVE?!?!

From Blue Ivy to Jay to Miss Tina to Solo & Julez & even Julius... the #BeyHive lives. 

She even announced her latest tour "The Mrs. Carter World Tour" & unfortunately I was unable to get tickets. But I am confident that I will be able to get tickets eventually. When there's a will, there's a WAY! 

"Thank God for my Computer. Sometimes when there’s no one to talk to, I talk out loud. So I can get all of my thoughts out and try to figure out the issues that I’m having and I’m tryna’ find the answers. The best thing is looking back, and realizing how incredible life is. If you don’t take the time to think about and analyze your life. You’ll never realize all of the dots that are connected."

Bey said this in her documentary. And I FELT it. I do this all the time. Sooo many videos on my laptop of me just.. TALKING! Ahhh... I must make another video. I must post them. I must get back to writing. 

Everything happens for a reason. Just when I was thinking about giving up, I saw that I indeed had the power to push forward. God is SO real! And with him, I shall be enrolled in school in about 6months. That's when I qualify for financial aid again. *twerks* ALSO, a new job is in my horizon. Also, a MOVE is in my future. Must get away. I am far too amazing to be living so dormant. 

2013

It's been FOUR months since my last post and...

That's wayyyy too long! I'm trying my best to blog more frequently.

I'm so lost right now. I am searching for love in all the wrong places. Keep falling into the same traps. Letting certain someone come and go as he pleases. It's just... A lot going on right now. I just want love. That's what we all want. I must be strong. Pray for strength. I know better. I know better! I.Know.Better.

Like, now because of lurking I've found out that my boo is still very much in a relationship with his ex. And he's been driving her car to come see me these last few months.

I'm not mad. Always trust your gut. ALWAYS. You may be called crazy, but your body is a wonderful instrument. Your mind is a powerful tool. If you feel like something isn't right, SOMETHING AINT RIGHT!

And as of now, I can't even blog anymore.

I'm just dumbfounded. Because as I was writing this post, I figured that shit out.

Walk Away

Moving soon. Needing to get away. Need a change. I'm VERY excited about this change of scenery :)
So I'm guessing this flick is symbolic of me walking away from my past; from all the drama, the stress, the madness, the fuckery-- everything.

A couple of weeks ago I spent an hour at the beach one night just thinking. I walked barefoot through the sand, letting the water splash around my legs.. and I just thought. I cleansed my soul that night. I let everything out. I felt so rejuvenated afterwards but very much open & emotional.

Since then I've been  guarding my heart more. I've let go of so much.. still holding on to some. I just want to be happy again. If that takes continuing to walk further & further away, then so be it. I will continue to walk this long & treacherous path of life.. even if I have to walk alone. Bey said: "I'm known to walk alone but I'm alone for a reason." I feel as if my reason for walking alone is that I need to find myself. I need to figure out exactly who I am before I can attempt to link arms with another.

It's hard to walk away. And I walk away in 6inch platform pumps.

BeePac's Back!

After about 3 months of no cable or internet services (outside of my cellular phone), BeePac's BACK! OMG! It feels sooo amazing to be able to blog from my living room again.! I know, I know.. I haven't done much blogging this year. Why? 2012 has been all about change & renewal. Eliminating toxic individual & practices out of my life.

I feel like my life is changing for the better & its only up from here. *praises*

So... stay tuned for a photo montage of what you've missed out on the past couple of months.

Endings.

Will. This. Be. The. End. Of. Me.?

Four walls are always surrounding my body. Four walls are surrounding my mind. Four walls are surrounding my heart. Four fucking walls. I feel that wall. Cold fucking wall.

I don't want to be this anymore. I miss what I used to be. I miss writing. I can't even articulate how I fucking feel anymore. Thoughts never seem to translate well onto my screen. I can still feel the word though. As Im typing. It feels hard. And tingly. I love that shit. Doesn't make sense though.

I just want to be happy again. I can't be happy because I am losing my mind. I am losing my mind because you aren't around anymore.

I hate not being perfect. I need to be perfect. I need to do so much. I need to be free. I need it.

I don't know what love is. I thought I knew how it felt but I guess I was wrong there too.

I just want to feel that again.

Ursula is Back

I haven't been blogging much lately. So busy with working. Moving. Decorating. Meeting new people... *sigh* Where do I begin?? Still single. Met a guy. He's cute. hopefully we become something interesting. Um... my HAIR. Grrrr.. had to get 2-3 inches cut this summer. Why? That dye job I did last year. My ends are horrible. hair is always dry. I wasn't really caring for it like i should. So now I'm trying something different. Low manipulation. Two strand twists with mango & lime loc gel. and my new hair mister-- Water, glycerin, jojoba oil, hemp seed oil & peppermint oil. I shall add rosemary & tea tree oil soon.. Shrinkage is crazy though. Anywho, updates coming soon on how my hair grows. and if I ever find a MAN.

Ursula's back.

Maury Classics-- Da Crew Edition

When I was in high school, me & my friends had the MOST fun acting crazy making videos... EVERYTHING is straight improvisational. We meshed so well together & came up with #CLASSIC footage just like that. I hope you enjoyed our rendition of the infamous Paternity Test episodes of Maury :)

A Two Year Journey: Part 1

I've proved that you can grow long hair. I've proved that you don't need to relax your hair to make it more manageable. I've proved that kinky curly coily hair can be professional/formal/sexy. I've proved that you don't have to be mixed to rock natural hair.

... and I feel as if women are finally learning to embrace what God has given them. You don't need a 20inch weave to stand out & be noticed by men. You don't need all the makeup that MAC can make to be beautiful. You can be beautiful in your own skin.

There are some men who HATE natural hair. They think its not combed. How many times a guy has told me I'd look so cute if my hair was straightened. Or why won't I get a relaxer. Hell, even women came at me with some sideways "you're not mixed--" blabber jabber as if my black hair isn't good enough to be seen in its natural state.

I just wanted the healthiest hair possible. I've made my mistakes of course but I'm still here with my fro. I didn't give up. I stuck it out even when I didn't think that I was my former self... I was lost for so long but I actually found myself-- with the help of my hair.

I still am on a journey. It's a crazy road man. I'm closer to my dreams though & that's all that matters....

Mommy Dearest

Today I will not post pictures of me & my friends out and about at parties or the bar... I don't think I will ever post party pics again, unless its hair related. I don't want to become that blogger that only blogs about the bland shit she does & tries to make it seem like she's having such a vivid time out here in these streets. I've become that blogger though. I don't even blog about my escapades or nightly shenanigans anymore. I've lost my spark! I'm not even sure anyone reads this mess anymore. *taps mic* Hello?! See! Nobody.

Today will be a new day. I will rekindle the blogging flame and get back to what I love doing. THIS!

I've gained alot of weight dude. Its because I work at freaking walmart and i'm always finding new things to try.. and the deli is so conveniently placed nearby the break room. I have NO time to work out. I'm always working--- well not today. I called in. Personal reasons. Basically I didnt have a ride. *sigh* Yeah. I desperately need a car. I don't really talk to my mother much because she was charging me outlandish amounts of money to take me to work everyday... Like over $100 a month & we dont even stay that far away from my job. She also borrowed money from me, never paid me back yet went to the Casino the same week. She's been twice & has yet to reimburse me. How in the world am I supposed to save for a car, save for my apartment if people are always taking money from me?! Its not even her fault. She's so far up her disgusting husband's ass she does whatever he says. He wanted her to kick me out numerous times before. Well she has kicked me out a few times in the last year or so. I think it all started when I decided to leave Spelman. She really doesn't understand that what I want to do with my life has nothing to do with Spelman. Great institution, just not for me right NOW. And its not like she was sending me money while I was there... but that's another story... See now this blog is turning into something else. I just had an epiphany. I am who I am because of my mother. I love her. I truly do, but I can't agree with what she's doing right now.
My mother was always the cool mother. Younger than all my friends. Free. Dressed however. Did whatever. One of those women who didn't care about the opinions of others.. yet she always picked the wrong men. Because of her, I always pick the wrong men. I didn't really know it but its true... She met her new husband like two years ago and now he's actually ruling over her. She has to talk to him 24/7. If she's not at work, she's talking to him. She can't go anywhere without him. If she doesn't answer, he has to know WHERE she was & why she didn't pick up. Ugh. I so wish I could say more but I don't want to put all of mother's business out there...... Just know that she has horrible relationships with men and that has trickled down to little ol' me. I can't really blame it all on her, but if all I've learned from her is what I don't want or need out of a relationship, how am I supposed to function as an adult woman in the dating world?

Fuck Black Friday

I had to be at work at 3am today. Yes. # mother freakin A.M. Now, that wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't been at work the previous day from 8am-5pm. Soon as I get home, I relaxed & snacked waiting for the Beyonce special; Watched that from 8:30-10pm.. Then tried to eat the Thanksgiving Dinner mother brought back from me. I laid down to sleep at about 11pm but couldn't fall asleep for NATHAN! Around 12:30-1am I finally dozed off I believe only to be rudely awaken at 2am to get ready for work. *sigh* I didn't get my first break & ended up working until 12pm (noon). I was starved, tired, sleepy--- wore out. I even took a 5hr energy shot that only gave me a boost for about 2hrs max. Ughhh... When I got home, I ate Subway THEN laid down.. that was like 2pm. I slept from 2-7pm.. Now I'm up again. I almost bought a camera today but decided to keep that $300 for something else.. I should probably look into flight prices. Tryna get to NYC soon. That'll me the majority of my paycheck which is mainly the reason why I have YET to spend any money...

All I wanna buy is winter clothes, undies+bras, makeup & hair ish. Plus I have to schedule in an appointment. Another $100 easily gone.. *sigh*

Work Hair? =/

I haven't had much time to blog. I spend my days at Wal-Mart working as a Cashier.. sometimes nights as well. Who knew I'd actually buckle down and get a regular 9-5 and start paying for shit myself. I mean, the photography thing was cool for awhile but I never had a steady paycheck. *sigh* As soon as I get paid though my MONEY IS GONE. I don't hate my job.. I just don't like it. I can't see myself doing it for longer than a year... but its pretty easy. I'm standing all day though. Rude customers. I so want to snap at ppl. Yesterday I did because a lady rolled her eyes at me because I said she should go to another line because we were taking a lil longer than usual. ANYWHO... I guess I can show you my "work" hair. I wish I took pics of my twist out bang yesterday.. I forgot. I've been wearing a lil cap thingy to work. got tired of headbands & bows & styling daily. My hair doesn't like NOT being washed biweekly. My scalp is so itchy. 

 At first I was wearing a wash n go / hair revival by spritzing my hair before work daily.. that got old fast because my hair is super frizzy & tends to get big fast.. *sigh*

This was taken 10mins ago.. my knit cap is on. Usually I wear a sequined one but today I didn't feel like being glitzy. =] Underneath my cap is an abundance of two strand twists. I originally planned on keeping ALL of my hair twisted up until December but I feel like my scalp hates not being cleansed weekly. Whenever I DO wash it, I shall twist it up again. Now on to do my makeup, lotion up & get ready for work in 40mins. *sigh* I soo miss blogging.

I also just purchased the SIMS 3 & I'm back in gamer mode. Absorbed in it. I need to stop because I feel like I'm gaining weight.. Who am I kidding-- the weight gain is probably walmart chicken's & mcdonald's fault. I'm such a fatty. I get a large Dr Pepper every damn day.. Pair it with a Mcdouble; add mac sauce & a small fry.

Happy Halloween!

in 2007 I wore a pink wig & went as Lil Kim. In 2008 I was a bumble bee. In 2009 I was a cop. 2010 I was a.... She Devil. I've actually been a she devil before. How did the costume come about? Well I put on black leotard & tights & lacefront.. Then this girl was like "you need ears or something" so I grabbed devil's ears & voila! Ima damn devil.

All Ex-Fat Girls KNOW that...

"Just because it zips, doesn't mean it fits."


So i know i haven't updated you on my DIET in months! That's because I gave it up and stopped looking at the scale. I haven't saw my weight since August, and then it was 168lbs. Since August, I've noticed many people telling me that I look slimmer & complimenting me on my weight loss. Stunned, I was. I mean, I haven't really paid it much attention but I have subconsciously watched my daily intake. Portion controlling. Making sure I don't completely over do it. I wouldn't call it a "diet" though... I still eat whatever I want. It's mainly because I haven't been home in forever so not that many home cooked meals. You've seen the pics I guess.. I have definitely slimmed down a lot. I have started to see a little abage... I'll get on a scale tomorrow and update you :)


Love,
Bee.

Eff Small Talk

I absolutely hate small talk. I hate meaningless banter. Unless we text on a daily basis or I genuinely care about you, and you know it-- don't text me saying "What u doin?" unless you plan on saying you wanna hang out or you're inviting me somewhere.

I also hate guys that beat around the bush. Don't drag on an hour long text session just to say you wanna shag me. Just be like "Hey whats up? Im horny. Are you horny? If so, text me back so we can have sex." in ONE text.

I respond better to straightforwardness. I'm not 16. You do not need to pretend to care about what I'm doing or my feelings or act like you "like" me if your intentions are strictly physical. Save us both a lot of time honestly. Now this doesn't mean I'm really gonna just smash ANY guy just because they're blunt. This only means that I wont be utterly disgusted or pissed off that you came at me sideways. I'll hit you with the "lmao.. no thanks. try again later."

I know I aint a virgin, that dont mean I'm having sex with ya...

Because I'm SO blunt & open about sex, some guys choose to approach me as if I'm some common street whore. No honey. I'm still a lady & I expect to be treated as such. I've never had a one night stand because all of the guys I've had sex with actually liked hanging around me (besides a few ex's who now think i'm annoying & hate my guts... *shrugs*). Yes, we had sex & we weren't together but we talk all the time. Hang out. Spend the night. Cuddle. Watch movies. We're "friends".

Get to know me if you wanna get to know me, not because you want sex. If Mister hits me up like "lets have sex"... 70% chance that we will.

I wonder why its been XX months since I've had sex though. *_*

I'm a mess.

I hate small talk. Don't DM me "whats up" either. If you can't tweet me, then we dont need to converse. And dont hit me with the "everybody dont need to know what we talkin about". Eh pardona me! Basically you're insinuating that you don't want everyone to know that you're talkin to me as if you're tryna be sneaky. No you can't have my number. We have nothing to discuss. Plus you're afraid of small dogs.

Please. Not my type.

Saturday Inspiration

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring" 
— Marilyn Monroe
Sometimes Miss Monroe just speaks to me. Today I needed her and I remembered those wise words. My flaws and how I embrace them is what makes me beautiful. I feel as if I come off so crazy at times because MY MIND is so full of ideas and thoughts that need to be shared with the world-- I'm really a freaking genius! And
though I may come off as completely loony, I am quite entertaining and that's wayyy better than being boring.
"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love." 
— Marilyn Monroe
Pretty self-explanatory. If you read any of my posts you'll realize that the one underlying them is LOVE. That's all I'm looking for; someone to love.

75¢ for a CANNED drink?

Ugh.. I'm so annoyed. I remember when canned sodas were only 50¢, so now when I buy one i'm like "whyyyy am I payin an extra quarter??" Bottles were once only $1! Yes One funky dollar. Now it's $1.25 nshit. Shit blows me. 12oz of liquid for 75¢? Bull fucking shit. But I so just walked to the leasing office and got me a good ol' Dr Pepper. From now on I'm only buying fountain drinks or going to McDonalds and getting a large DP for a dollar. Score.