Harvest Moon

The sky was beautiful last night. I stared at it for hours. Couldn't believe that I could see Jupiter too! Yay!! I tried to take a pic but unfortunately I wasn't close enough to the sky for my funky phone to work. smh. 

Doesn't it look beautiful though?! Ahhhh.. I used to stare up at the sky when I was younger and think for so long that my head began to spin. I always asked "How much space is in space? Does it go on forever? Is it spherical like Earth? Will I ever get to travel into space? What does it smell like? Can I taste moon dust? Is there someone else staring at the same moon as I am right now thinking the same thing that I am?"

Yes I was a weird kid. Still ask myself those questions too. I often speak to the sky whenever I have one of my infamous crying moments. It helps free my heart from the sudden overwhelming sense of loneliness. At times I feel like no one understands me.. So I wander. Ahhhh. That went off on a tangent. I love the moon. I love the stars. I love the night sky. 

Hotter than Satan's Tongue..

.. and I only spit flames. Don't fuck with most of yall hoes cuz most of you are lames.

Yes, I'm a lyrical genius. Fuck with me. PS Isn't my fro lovely?? Ahhh yes. It really was lovely that night.

Exceptions..

Here is an excerpt of some shit I’ve been writing.. I thought I could write about what I know and specific experiences but now I feel as if that is too hard & NOT worthy of posting online. Especially since everyone thinks that they know who or what I’m talking about… Or love to play this stupid game of run tell that. Oh well. This could be real. This could all just be make believe. Its just a few lines- Not even a whole page. Exceptions.
I looked up at him and gazed intensely into is dark brown eyes thinking that I could find one drop of love for me still in them. I saw nothing. I never saw such an emotionless stare before in my life. It was as if he had no soul- a soulless loveless creature that stared back at me. I guess he saw the tears beginning to well up in my eyes because his emotionless stare suddenly turned harsh & sort of angry. He glared at me like I had done something wrong. “What the fuck you crying for?” he managed to sputter while I quickly wiped my eyes dry, smearing my eyeliner so I looked rather raccoonish. “You don’t look at me the same way anymore… You don’t love me like you used to. I’m beginning to think you never loved me..” I said as my voice trailed off into the stiff air that suddenly filled the room as I mentioned that L word. LOVE. What I had been working to get for years from him. Love. What a silly word to be uttering to him now after the bullshit he put me through but I couldn’t help how I felt. He sort of rescued me and I fell for him after a few months.

Sweet Revenge.. The Movie

I was bored.. This post is the 'movie' version.. the other is just the paint masterpiece. I was bored. I was listening to itunes.. G4L came on so then I decided to make a lil movie :) enjoy!

Sweet Revenge..

crybaby

As I sat in the tub with the faucet on full blast I began to think. As the water began to rise higher and higher the pain came. The sadness crept over me suddenly and I was paralyzed sitting there in the water. I grabbed my legs and buried my face into my knees and let out three long hard sighs that could have easily became tears but I didn't let go. I brought those tears to the very edge of my ducts and quickly pushed them back down before they took over me.

I have never felt so alone in my life. No one is here because no one is supposed to be here. I am the epitome of lonely single girl. I am that girl but I'm not a girl anymore. I'm a twenty one year old woman who is alone. No guy loves me enough to rescue me from this dark place I'm in. I've forgotten how it feels to be touched with love.. To be held with love. To be loved with love. To speak with love. To hear with love. To breathe with love. To be love. I don't know how to be love though.

If I think about it, love has always been a subject I didn't master. I haven't really passed it either. Boys? Yes I mastered that.. I can make any guy fall for me physically. I can attract any guy to be into me- by personality alone. I can even make a guy like the entire package deal of Bee-- just not for longer than a few months. After that, they realize that I'm not what they want.. I'm not what they need. I'm just BEE. The quirky girl who  will make an awesome friend. Great fuck buddy. Okay girlfriend.. if only for a little while.

I'm like a drug. Too much will kill you... You just take me in doses. *sigh*

Will I ever meet the one for me? Lately every guy I meet is really after that ONE thing. Or they pretend to want more to get closer to the one thing. Or they genuinely like me but I'm not physically attracted to them at all.

Oh what a life we live. Will I ever make it??

Falling All Over Love

Whenever I hear someone say they love me, I get this weird feeling in my chest. My heart begins to pound faster & faster... & so hard that I can almost see it coming through my skin. I feel a little light headed; I get nervous. I start to fidget a lot. My hand will not stop trembling. I'm at the edge of either crying or screaming out in joy.. anguish.. pain? Its a strange combination. All of these feelings balled up into one. I can't handle it.

Even when I read those words I feel this way. I'm deathly afraid of falling in love.

Last night, I had a moment. I begin to write a song in my head. I wrote it on my phone. Falling all over love. Not in love, or out of love. Falling ALL OVER LOVE. I want to fall all over love. Do you know what I mean?

I want to have that kind of love where I am still myself, & he is still himself.. and when we come together we form a union that is so strong, you can FEEL the love just by looking at us. I do not want to lose myself and become a part of him as in falling IN love or him to do the same with me. NO. We should fall all over one another and shower ourselves with our love.

I want to feel light headed every single time I kiss him. I want to shiver whenever he is near me. I want to be able to LOVE. I want to LOVE. I'm waiting to LOVE. To think of him & only him. To see all of my past flings & lovers and to not even flinch because he is the only man who makes my heart feel this way.

Just writing this has given me that feeling. That overwhelming feeling. When I think of LOVE he comes to mind. Oh how I wish this could be something..

I looked up at him and gazed intensely into his dark brown eyes thinking that I could find one drop of love for me still in them. I saw nothing. I never saw such an emotionless stare before in my life. It was as if he had no soul- a soulless loveless creature that stared back at me. I guess he saw the tears beginning to well up in my eyes because his emotionless stare suddenly turned harsh & sort of angry looking. He glared at me like I had done something wrong. “What the fuck you crying for?” he managed to sputter while I quickly wiped my eyes dry, smearing my eyeliner so I looked rather raccoonish. “You don’t look at me the same way anymore… You don’t love me like you used to. I’m beginning to think you never loved me..” I said as my voice trailed off into the stiff air that suddenly filled the living room we were in as I mentioned that L word. LOVE. What I had been working to get for years from him. Love. What a silly word to be uttering to him now after the bullshit he put me through but I couldn’t help how I felt. He sort of rescued me- the all too common Hero Syndrome had taken over my life and I fell for him after a few months. “Here you go..” he said as he looked off into the distance completely ignoring me. “You haven’t told me you loved me in forever… You only said in through a text message.” He rolled his eyes as I started to profess to him my true feelings. He didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. I was definitely killing the mood.

I then began to go into the same spiel I always went into About how he doesn’t fuck me like he used to; Things have changed; why doesn’t he love me; will he ever make me his girlfriend….

Yeah, after three years, I was still his “friend”. Silly fucking rabbit indeed. It was partially my fault though. When I first met him I proclaimed that I wasn't looking for a relationship. Why? The usual excuse us young women give to older guys. "I'm too busy on school to focus on a relationship right now. Education comes first." In reality I really WANTED a relationship, I just didn't want to appear desperate- which I was. I wanted him to fall in love with me and finally force me to be his.

He did tell me that he loved me once or twice. Both times via text. I remember that day so vividly. I was a bit upset. Texting him dramatically as always when I just so happened to write something along the lines of "you don't love me.. you never did. never will" which to my surprise he responded "but I do love you baby.." and my heart smiled. He finally said I love you.. Unfortunately it was merely words and I didn't hear it...

[just a snippet on something I'm working on.. enjoy]

Silenthate/Lovescreams

You should visit his blog. Not because I know him.. & that he mentioned me in the same sentence as DA from Chester French.. No because I like his poetry. Huge *sigh* of relief since most blogs today focus solely on music & fashion. Whatever happened to the literature, man?! 

Silenthate/Lovescreams [reminds me of that Justin Timberlake album-- Futuresex/Lovesounds?? idk..]

A Midsemester's Night Dream

i think that she is lonely..do you wanna know why?

well, its a little past midnight on a saturday night and she is alone.but this is the norm..
she'll always be alone on a saturday night..
but not because there isn't anyone who'd like to spend time with her or keep her company when boredom overwhelms her..
she just prefers to be lonely. its better that way..
she won't have to be bothered with the awkward banter between herself and that random guy who obviously only has one thing on his mind..
she won't have to sit and be disgusted across the table from that overtlygross guy who has stared at her cleavage the whole night just for a free meal.
she won't have to exchange witty commentary with that super cool dude whom she feels extremely uncomfortable around because he only knows her thru fbook.
she won't have to worry about her appearance or what that new old guy thinksof her because he prefers his ladies to have a head full of newly purchased hair.

She can just be herself, with herself.
No strings. No worries.

shell always be a little bit lonely but its okay..
its better that way.
who wants to impress others when they've already thoroughly impressed themselves.

she can only be in the company of another who has already accepted her for HER, flaws and all.
someone who understands her..
someone who can read between the lines because she doesn't come out and says exactly what she wants..
but still he knows exactly what she means.
why bother with the not quite rights or he's cute but not my types..
or the well he makes me laugh and the sex is amazing but...

ha.
no need to explain why.
he just simply is.
until then..
she'll just be um,

lonely :)

**originally posted November 2008**

Bee to the Oh Dub

Bow Wow is blogging. I posted the first comment on his latest entry. Yes I'm still obsessed with him.. Don't judge me. I still have my Bow Wow Tshirt that I sleep in too. Scream Tours were the shit. ahhhhh.. I even wrote a rhyme bout him to the let's get down beat back in my internet rapper status days :)

"I knew this boy named Bow Wow - He was a rapper, but then he flipped the script & turned into an actor.."

Man, I am a lyrical genius :)

Purple Kisses

I'm in like with you, intensely. I want to leave my purple kisses all over you. :) I'm gonna wake you up every morning with a purple kiss on your lips. Mwahhh. Like you lots. *sigh* I just want to love you..

Too Soon, Too Young Part 1

**DISCLAIMER: THIS IS MERELY A ROUGH DRAFT.. WRITTEN AT 3AM. NO TIME TO SPELL CHECK. JUST JOTTING DOWN THOUGHTS & GOING THROUGH WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT.. FINAL COPY WILL BE DONE BY THE END OF THE DAY:)**

I was twelve years old the first time I got some head. This way wayyy before Shawnna came out with that song & wayyy before most even knew what it meant. I was so young. I had not even experienced the whole fingering movement yet I had the eyes of High School guys glued on my young ass. I was pure. Never ever kissed a guy in the mouth before then.. Never touched a guys privates before then.. Never really did anything, I was truly pure. Everything changed that Year. But Damn, I was only twelve!
I remember that night so vividly. Me and Jason* had spent that whole day flirting with each other. I didn't really like him or think that he was cute but it was nice having an older guy in High School paying so much attention to me. I had just lost about 20lbs that summer & was really starting to think that I was pretty for the first time in years. Jason boosted my confidence. I was enjoying every little thing he did to me. The tickles. The secret touching under the table. How nice it was to have this 16 year old guy pay attention to nerdy little Bee.
Later on that night I ended up in bed with three other girls. We always slept together in this huge queen sized bed & I had my spot at the foot. For some strange reason he decided that he didn't want to sleep in the room that housed the other males who were staying with us that night; He wanted to sleep in the girls room. Everyone else was sleep besides me (i was an insomniac even way back then..). I pretended to be sleep though just to see if Jason would leave me alone. He didn't. He began to tap my shoulder and shake me a bit trying to "wake" me up. After awhile, I did the fake "What..." sleepily and he began to kiss me. My first real kiss on the mouth. As he kissed me, his hands began to trace the outline of my shorts. Soon they were creeping up my thigh & I instinctively grabbed his hand and tried to push it away. Everything was moving way too fast for me. First kiss & First fingering in the SAME night? I was not expecting things to go so far. I stopped kissing him and...

*More later... Stay tuned**

The Other Woman..

Have you ever been the "other woman"?? I have. I can admit that full heartedly. A couple of times. I always wondered why I only attracted the guys who already had girlfriends but I soon realized that I was the one who seemed to ONLY want to be with the guy who was already in an established relationship. What was wrong with me that I only wanted to be THAT girl?

I didn't know this then but now its very easy for me to see why. My own insecurities made me do the things I did. I needed some validation from the opposite sex to feel beautiful; to feel wanted. And what better way to get that validation then from taking some guy away from his girlfriend??

This was successful at first when you didn't even have to use sex to get a guy. You know back in the days when looks alone could make him say damn, you're wayy "badder" than my current--- let me upgrade.

After that it has to be known that sex will be used to get a man.. Yeah you THINK this works until you realize that no matter how good your pussy is, he still probably wont leave his gf from you. WHY?!

Easy. He has the best of both worlds. Loving relationship with his boo & great sex from you. What ELSE could he want? I know! RIMS! & im sure your vagina isn't 22' or better.

I remember when I met 21; I was a sophomore in high school. Not really one to ask questions like "do you have a gf" because I was soo excited that he was older, had his own car, could pick me up when he wanted to, let me drive the whip, roll up with me.. etc. I mean if you have read my blog you pretty much know about me and 21. smh..

Initially I didn't know he had a gf but by the time I found at he had one I was too deep in it just to quit. This is how I became the other woman my default. So many lines I was fed. Main reason being that I was technically too young to be with him but when I turned 18 we'd make it "official". He wasn't with her anymore.. Only with her because she was pregnant.. etc. ALL the bull shit. Bad thing is she called my phone so many times and he always had to call & persuade me not to tell her. Even after our physical relationship ended and we were just friends.. He had to bribe me not to tell lol. If I wouldn't have opened up my big mouth about keying his car, his girl would have NEVER known that I was indeed the Brittney he was seeing-- Not some white girl @ SHSU. smh

I knew better. Should have just nipped it in the bud from the beginning but I was in it for good i guess. This caused drama to go OOOON & OOON for years even after I QUIT communicating with 21. Hell if were to write a blog about her today she'd be calling me tomorrow trying to start something even though she is no longer with him.

Sometimes you become the "other woman" by accident. Yes I have been this woman too. I know SHAME on me!! smh but its not entirely my fault. Okay so it was. Smh. It all started with this friend I had. We were so cool. I knew he had a girlfriend whom he talked about all the time and he knew I was doing whatever i was doing back then. We talked about everything. He was one of my closest guy friends. Of course with us sharing everything, sex came up and he too became sexually attracted to me. I had a crush on him too but I never crossed that line. I kept my feelings to myself because I knew that wasn't right. *sigh* flash forward to one drunken night & everything changed. We both became so drunk that innocent dancing turned into groping and grinding and next thing I know we're in his car making out. Man oh man.. that led to us going back to his room & having sex. Which then turned into us having sex again.. & again.. & again.. You get the picture?? I thought it was 'ok' because he & his gf were on a break..

But then that break was over I basically gave him the ultimatuum. "Dump her or no more sex with me" It came to that POINT. Of course this story is a tad bit different than most. You see he told me how he WISHED he knew me first-- he always had a crush on me.-- if things were different he'd be with me-- he wants to be with me but he still loves her & they've been together soo long. Yeah I heard all of those lines. Fell for em too. I was becoming too involved again.

In the end you'll be happy to know that I didn't have sex with him while he was with his gf anymore until way after they broke up. Even though he broke up with his girlfriend, i mean his girlfriend broke up with HIM smh he NOW wasn't really wanting to be in a relationship. Of course not!! He was in one for years! why would he jump into ANOTHER one. He can be free & do whatever. He thought that i'd be happy he was single. Nope. Still wasn't with me. SMH

I could write about this forever but then you wouldn't buy the book.. "The Other Woman" coming soon... a Personal memoir.. :) we haven't even touched on musical influences, media, ettc.. family matters. all those other contributors.

Hmmmmm...

i can never say how i really feel about certain people.
its been that way for years now.. I can't help it.

different guy, same outcome.
the blueprints hardly ever change.
it will always be this way.
he will always be that guy who started out as a friend..
but now i like way more than a friend..
but we cant be anything more than just friends..

and i hate that i let the friend boundaries get blurred
and i hate that i still care about this dumb shit.

i really dont know what i was thinking.
i always do this.
same story, different guy.

not really same story.. but always different guy.
same situation, different babe.

i call you my love, because i care so much.. not love you. i just like you alot..
and i wish that one day i could love you.

oh fuck it.

it has to be lust.
i dont think you like me, like me like Lila & Arnold lol
i just think you like my body.
and the things i say.
sometimes..
i still dont think you "like" me though.
ughh aww poor bee..

i know they're all saying that-
"she's always single"

yeah thats true to .

"she'll never find a man"

yupp probably wont.

oh well.

where's my tequila? lets beat the sobriety outta thus sullen mess.

3 little words.

i love listening to love songs. ive never been in love though.
I only imagine how it would feel for a girl like me to be in love.
I never really heard the words, you know those three words, from a guy who really meant it.
I mean, a few have uttered it but I don't believe them.
I remember HE said it during sex.. but i think he meant to say IT instead of YOU.
Then he said it-- college. freshman year. Well maybe he meant it.. hmmm..
We were arguing. I was going off about something as always. Running my mouth.
I was upset.. I just wanted to leave. Too much too soon of course.
But then he grabbed he my face and turned it towards his.
He looked deeply into my eyes, I stared back into his.
And then he said it. Those three words.
It caught be by surprise.
I didnt know just what to say or how to react or what to do.
should i say it back?
Should i just stare at him?
should i just cry.
I really wanted to cry.
Too much too soon.
I said it back just to keep his feelings under wraps.
I didn't mean it. I liked him. Not that other word.
He didn't mean it, i thought.
but im sure he did..
I wonder if he still does..
I wonder if he still cares..
I wonder if i ever will.. you know.
say those three words & mean it.

Sober Slumber Part One

Today I was bored. I woke up feeling rather odd & almost believed that I had died in my sleep. That sensation only lasted a minute. Eyes still closed I fumbled through my pillows until I found my sleeping baby. My cell. Quickly looked at it to see who had tried to contact me during my slumber. No one. Rubbed my eye & peeled away the remnants of sleep that still remained. Stumbled out of bed and made my way to the kitchen. Nobody was home.. but me. Called mother to find out where my family was. Maybe I was dead. Maybe death is just YOU bein in the world alone?? Luckily she answered. I Knew I wasn't dead. Whew. Mother told me that my family all spent the night away from home. Only I was there. What do I do? Watch a movie? No..

Nothing is on that I want to see. Decided to clean. Those dishes have been in the sink since yesterday evening. The lazy fuckers who live here refused to clean up. Ten blue cups layed stacked on top of each other. A black pot that still had dried up grits inside. Ew. I hate dirty dishes. So many blue bowls were there too. I was utterly astonished at how there are no kids in this house yet its disgusting. Ahh.. So I buckled down and washed ALL the dishes. Even those I didn't dirty up. Only for my mother. She shouldn't have to come home and clean up after a house full of grown fuckers. Of course I was awarded for my cleaning up. Mother says Im the only one who helps her. I didn't do it for the awardment later. I just got tired of having a dirty kitchen.

Mother informed me that Aunt Janie is hosting a candle party later on this evening. I felt like getting pretty for it. My first time going to Houston in a few weeks. I pulled out the white dress I altered. It once was a past the knee joint I wore for orientation during the white dress ceremony. I cut and sewed it into a cute mini dress. I added a black belt of course. Black is my favorite color. I washed my hair and fixed my frohawk. I only have two products in it right now. Gel. Old school gel. The type thats brown/black and wet.. And my trusting curl moisturizer that has a faint after smell. Now it is gone. Whew. While dressing, guy friend texted. He got drunk the night before. I wonder why he abruptly stopped the texting. I realize that I haven't had alcohol since May. Am I trying to stop drinking??

After I got dressed, I ate some left over tacos. I always feel like I'm Mexican when I eat their cuisine. The cup of kool-aid made me feel black again. Once my meal was finished I began to twitter. Interesting conversations commenced. I always wonder things & state my inquiries via the web. One stood out. Sex. Of course thats me. My followers hate me because I flood the walls. Sorry people. Unfollow me if you don't it. I only want to know why oral sex isn't considered real sex. You can get STDs from Oral. I think I've written too much. This is just a recollection of my morning.. & the start of my day.

Ego? for what?!

"It's too big, it's too wide.. too strong, won't fit"? Now, before Beyonce released this single I knew a few guys who thought this was true but of course it wasn't. SMH. I was really cool with this one guy. He was absolutely beautiful and i was instantly smitten with him. He'd always just hang out with me outside after I was coming from the library or just met me to walk me back to campus. sometimes we'd just sit out and talk. We even communicated all throughtout the break and we never even kissed before. Well of course, after I got back to campus after christmas break I just knew we'd be together. I mean we talked about all that good ish. He was so cool. We had alot in common. he even talked to my mom on a few occasions. Awesome guy. So one night we're in his room and we're just chillen. Talkin. Drinking. The usual. I'm not getting drunk though, just sipping.. Then of course things began to progress. You know kissing and whatnot...

soon the kissing became intense. alot of touching.. really passionate. YOu already know whats bout to happen next. I'm very observant.. so even though all the lights were off, i could still see him pull out a condom and place it on the edge of the bed while we're kissing. I pay it no mind.. but quickly swiped it off the bed and kicked it under the bed so he couldn't find it. By now he's naked.. and i'm trying to see what he's workin with before I decide to go there with him.. Hmmm.. i take a look at it and i see its not really impressive. but maybe he's not "up" yet.. so i coyly ask him in his ear was he "excited" and he says yes and frantically starts to look for the rubber.. well he couldn't find it.. but i got a glimpse of his package from the street light beamin thru the window.. oh my. it was the size of my thumb. literally my thumb. and i have the smallest hands for an adult woman! width & length. my thumb. 2-3inches erect. wtf. i made up some excuse bout how we couldn't have sex and that it would just be awkward or i couldn't do it.. and got up and left in a huff. didn't even ask for him to walk me back. i was pissed.

he talked about sex soo much and i just knew he was packing. but he was clearly the smallest guy i've ever met. but he's beautiful. I don't see how anyone could have sex with that.. i think i'd smother him =/ I feel bad because after that encounter I never hung with him again. Rejected movie dates, study sessions.. everything. I just couldn't see myself forming anything with him.

Maybe i'm worst off than guys who can't seem to get with someone who cant please them sexually. I know he could be a nice guy but luckily he wasn't. He told me his views on women. I knew he only wanted sex (later on.. found out the hard way). I even found out he had sex with a "friend" who was inexperienced who said he was horrible.

Glad i didn't find out the hard way.. *more to come*

Unfinished Business

I never knew how he truly felt about me until December. But thats typical for the men in my life. I either choose the ones who never want to express themselves or the guy that cries every other minute. I mean, it truly hurts when you don't know if he actually cares for you as much as you care for him. This scenario dates wayy back to my high school days...

It was an ordinary night for me. The young one came and picked me up from my house and we proceeded to drive around.. Well of course we got to his house and he wanted to do things but I wanted to talk. I had questions.. --He had no answers.

Frustrated, he decides he's going to take me home. As we get closer and closer to my casa, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I put my head down, then look out to window trying to conceal this sadness that had suddenly come over me. I was supposed to be mad not CRYING. Why couldn't I convert this weak emotion into something strong as Hate and ANGER?! He stops his jeep. Tells me to get out. I don't move. He says it again..

"Man.. please just go.."

But I can't go. Not until I tell him. I look at him, and for the first time he sees tears on my face. It startles him.. I never expressed this emotion to him before. One simple question I ask..

"Why?".. For the first time he could see my emotions plainly expressed on my face. From my teary eyes to my streaked makeup.

He doesn't say a word. Again I ask, this time angrily-

"WHY?! Why can't you just say how you feel?!"

"I do say what I feel.. Man just go." He finallys says motioning for me to just leave him alone.

"Please tell me when have you ever told me how you felt? Never!" I scream in his face. This time I'm grabbing his shoulders. Trying to shake out any sense into that brain of his.. Wondering why he can't express himself to me..

He looks at me finally noticing the tears falling down my face in torrential floods and quickly asks me that one stupid question: "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm tired.." I finally say to him looking directly at him. "When its just you and me... everything is cool. But whenever you're around people you have to make it seem like i'm bothering you or I'm the one that ALWAYS calls you. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm stupid and chasing after you when I'm not. Its not fair.. so please, tell me Why- Why do you have to act like that?"

"Look man I don't know.. I don't be meaning that stuff. I just be frontin.."

I look him in the eye.. I know he's telling the truth but from that moment I knew that it was all a lost cause. He couldn't tell his boys that he actually had feelings for me.. Or that he actually liked hanging around me.. Or that we were really good friends. We were beyond cool. Me and him.. It was destiny I thought. I could go on in my life with just being his friend but he had to make things complicated throwing around different emotions when he knew he couldn't commit. He knew he was too young to really just be up front with his boys and say man.. I really care about her.. instead of the she crazy.. she just don't understand NO.

"Frontin?! You.."

I'm shocked. I can't say anything else to him. I just laugh to myself, wipe away those embarrassing tears and get out of his car. As I'm walking up my driveway, I glance back and look at him. I see him with his head down, obviously thinking. About what? I have no clue.. Never asked. Always wondered. After thirty seconds He finally leaves. I guess he saw me looking at him. It became too much for me to handle so I just went into my room and cried. I wasn't crying over sadness. It was just too much to finally hear what I had been telling myself for years.

Funny thing about that, I still stayed close to him. It didn't change much about our friendship.. I mean it took months before we spoke again but things improved alot. We actually communicated. We were really friends.. but finally I realized that I wanted more than just a friend so I had to let go. Didn't talk to him for nearly a year. Then one day I decide to randomly call him. I was overjoyed to hear his voice. December 2007. We talked for awhile.. about me being in Atlanta & the normal catch up talk. I was supposed to call him back but I never did..

That winter break we reconnected once more... but thats for another time. We haven't spoken since then.. and i'm not in the least bit sad about it. Everything happened for a reason. Those situations I went through during my teen years affect me today, but i've grown from them. I know i was burned but I just call it a Lesson Learned. Maybe we have unfinished business, maybe not. I just can't wait to see him one day with his wife, say hello to them, congratulate him on his nuptials, wish them well, and go about my daily way..

[[I'm working on a compilation book.. here's a snippet. The direction: An indepth look into love & war and how to take it as it IS. idk.. random scramblings]]

:(

sometimes i think that we could be
more than just friends & everything'll be peachy
but i know that that will never be..
i know that you can handle me..
because i'm too much i speak whats on my mind
i say certain things and i cross over all lines
i cant be subdued i have to break through
and you never knew these things were untrue
i may not love you but i still know
i kinda "dig" ya, but oh
you want more than i can give
you want me to be apart of a life i can't live
you want me to cry whenever you're away
you want me to go when i want you to stay
i can't be a princess i can't be a queen
i can only be me, and that is more than it may seem
maybe i'm too aggressive maybe i'm too blunt
maybe i need counseling, there's no need to front
maybe i need some answers you're not willing to explain
and then you wonder why i'm so lost and insane
i busted your windows maybe even key your car
but these simple things only go so far
i cause you some pain, maybe the same pain as me
but then i see you and you seem happy?
i don't understand why you seem unchanged
and i run around looking lost and deranged
you never apologize unless you need some love
but when i need it i don't get what i deserve..
i need way more than you're willing to give
and you don't understand this isn't just adlibs
i'm saying whats really in my heart.
i can't believe you wanna press restart...
i cant i wont i say it you don't
i cant i wont i say it you don't
i cant i wont i say it you don't
i cant i wont i say it you dont.. .