Independent Spiritualist

I created my own term for my religious beliefs. I may just create my own religion that focuses more on spirituality rather than religion as a whole. Its hard to put your faith in a man to deliver the words that were written by another man that was translated many times from different languages that were allegedly orated by God. Then we must come up with our own interpretations of what those scriptures mean.

My philosophy is simple. Attempt to live an honest life. Help those in needs. Make the world a better place. El fin. What more do you need to do? I won't say you can't eat certain things or wear certain ish. I won't dictate your every move. I won't give you consequences for breaking a rule. You know right from wrong. If you feel like you shouldn't do it, don't. My morals may not be the same as yours, but we have the same goals. Eternal Life.

Is Cocaine the new "black"?

Once a drug becomes mainstream, it all goes downhill. I remember when NO ONE was smoking marijuana. If you did smoke it, no one knew about it. It was kept for the niggas on the block. A distant memory of the hippie age. Then around the early 00s, it began to become popular. Rappers smoked it. Celebs began to get busted with it.. Now it's becoming "legalized" aka MAINSTREAM. All I hear Wiz rap about is getting high. *shrugs*

Now the new "it" drug is Cocaine. Marijuana might as well be a pair of Ugg boots right now. Coke is IN! I remember Whitney adamantly saying how "Crack is wack." and how she made too much money to smoke crack. Yes honey, crack is wack. But cocaine?? Yep. That's all the rage right now. If you can afford a cocaine habit, you've made it. You're established. Nose candy. Powder. That white girl. Get you some Christina Aguilera!

First Soulja Boy, now newcomer Bruno Mars. smh. Hell, Kid Cudi just admitted to using cocaine. Why people? Marijuana just wasn't enough anymore. People are always in search of a better high. A higher high. Plus when you have all that money, everything is easier for you. You're feeling down, coke brings you up.

I once thought that cocaine was just a rich white girl drug. I thought of Suzie wearing a vile of coke around her neck taking a few hits in the bathroom between classes. Coke whores are the new it thing. *sigh*

Cocaine is the new black.

I'm never gonna fit in.

Sober Tales

Partied hard last night. Actually had fun for the first time being 100% sober. No alcohol, no drugs-- just music and great people. Random guys on me. Random girls hating. For some odd reason I felt like we were all involved in an intense game of "i bet you won't step in my square". I wanted to punch her. I wasn't even on it gahhhh. They were playing all these fight songs. I mean when you hear "Keep My Name Out Cho Mouth" what else do you do but scream "& put my dick up in it" in unison with the rest of your Huntsvillian pals?? Girlfight didn't help either. And for some strange reason I was dancing. Shaking my ass. Poppin it on a handstand. Okay maybe not poppin it on handstand but you know..

The benefits of being sober? I woke up this morning at 7am. I wasn't tired. My eyes weren't puffy or red. Makeup wasn't smeared down  my face. I wasn't horny last night (at least not ridiculously horny like "i need dick now"). I wasn't sweaty and stinky. My makeup didn't run. I didn't fall down. All in all it was a pretty bomb ass night. Can't wait to party sober AGAIN :)

kudos to bee

I haven't called or text Mr. Good Peen all day.. actually I haven't texted him in awhile. I'm doing good. So proud of myself :)

Day 4 of Sobriety

I'm on a personal journey to rid my body & my life of toxic things. First one being alcohol. You'd think that after me falling on my face that ONE time, I'd stop drinking then. Pfft. Not at all. I've noticed that I can be drunk as hell at a party & still not have fun. I'll still feel alone in a crowd of people. I tried to take a shot of tequila as I do every weekend-- and it was if the alcohol was being rejected by my body. I never felt like throwing up as soon as a shot entered my mouth. My drinking days have to be over. I'm debating on whether I should say NO to drinking alllll together or if I should just only drink when I'm at dinner. Wine and mixed drinks aren't bad. Its tough. I need to be able to fully focus on myself, my life, and my goals. So much I want to do. So much I need to do. I just need a sign. There's so much more I'd love to say but the words seem to be too hard to type. My issues are deeper than you know. Its more than just getting drunk. Not even smoking anymore. After witnessing a mother & father get high in front of their two young children I can't do that anymore. I don't even have kids but I refuse to be known as a smoker or a drinker. There has to be more to life than THIS.

When I Die

When I die I won't mind if alot of people who I never talked to say RIP or share their condolences with my family & loved ones.. I won't call you fake. Even if you hated me while I was alive, and you decide to show love after I'm dead & gone-- I won't be pissed off. You can even make jokes about me. I won't mind. Why? At least I'm making you laugh. Just one request: Don't forget about me. :)

Window Seat

A Five Year Old Reviews Window Seat

What inspired this post was a tweet I read that went something like “how would you feel if her cooch was in your child’s face for art sake” or something close to that. So I sat down with my “assistant” TH, clicked on the ankh, watched and asked questions as we went along. [SH is the mother, TH is the daughter]

SH: What do you think of this?

TH: I like the music. Is it jazz? I like jazz.

SH: There are parts of it that have jazz.

TH: She was driving a big car.

SH: I know. What do you think of her, the lady walking?

TH: I think she is pretty. She is beautiful, perfect.

SH: Why do you think that?

TH: She just is. It’s sunny in the movie. It’s raining outside.

SH: Yes, I know it’s raining. What is she doing now?

TH: She’s walking down the street. Is that her singing?

SH: Yes, that is her singing.

TH: I like her voice. It is like mine.

SH: OK, yeah. She does have a nice voice. What’s happening now.

TH: She’s taking off er clothes. It’s probably hot.

SH: Hmm, well what do you think about that?

TH: I like it when it’s hot.

SH: What do you think about her taking off her clothes?

TH: It’s OK. Sometimes you need to take off your clothes. I like to take my clothes off.

SH: You do? How does it make you feel?

TH: I feel free. I like being naked.

SH: How do you think she feels?

TH: She feels naked and cool and free.

SH: But she is naked outside.

TH: That’s OK. It’s just her body. I have a body. Daddy has a body. You have a body and boobies.

SH: Yes, we all have bodies and mommy has boobies.

TH: That’s why it is OK. We all have one. We are all peoples (not a typo, she said “peoples”).

SH: Yes, we are all people.

TH: Mommy, she has boobies too.

SH: Yes, Erykah Badu has boobies too. So it is OK to show your boobies outside?

TH: Yes, but only if you want to because they are yours. Oh mommy, she fell down!

SH: Yes she did. She was shot.

TH: Why?

SH: Why do you think?

TH: Because she was naked and cool and free?

SH: Maybe.

Kids are so much more intelligent than we give them credit for..

Window Seat

What do you think about it?? Can you focus on the message & not the fact that she's naked? SMH. Yes her body is the business but she isn't shaking her ass or dancing at all. Nudity with meaning. Can we not see the naked body & not immediately think of sex?

Fuck Love.

I had this pretty random dream last night.. You want to read about it? I'll try my best to be as detailed as possible.

It started off pretty normal, I was back in Atlanta with my Hun bun =] & we were having marathon like sex. You know, crazy positions, all day-all night., can't stop won't stop & boy was it GREAT. Feeling that warm, thick tongue all over my body had me climbing the walls in ecstasy. Of course I leave him and the first person I see is his ex-- *eye roll*. She doesn't see me I guess so she begins to announce to everyone that she is back with my Hun bun & how they have decided to stay together forever. As I hear this I just stand there. Paralyzed by her words. I just walked out the room with Hun bun, wtf is SHE talkin about. He then walks over & joins her & confirms that they are indeed getting back together. Suddenly the whole room erupts into congratulations! "Oh my God!! I'm So happy for you guys! You were made for each other! You're like my FAVORITE couple".. Yeah all that bullshit is buzzing in my ears. I just drop down to the ground and cry. Curled up in a little ball.. I cry. Then my friend pulls me up & drags me out of there (thank God!) She tells me to snap out of it. I feel so stupid though. He obviously loves her so regardless of what I do he won't ever be with me. SMH.

The dream pretty much ends there because I wake up look at my phone & begin to text his phone but I decide not to right before I press 'send'. I lay there thinking to myself WHY did I dream about that?? Is it because I was talking about our first time on blogtv?? Is it because I'm going to see him & my other friends in like two weeks? Or how about I saw some tagged photos of him & one he was actually with his ex and the comment was something like "Awww I love these two"... Hmmm. Yup thats exactly why. In my mind I know I have no chance with him but like every dumb woman in the World, I feel as if I can somehow make him choose me. I can WIN his love & affection. I can use my sex appeal, my wit, my conversation, my mind, body & spirit to make him MINE & only mine.

That's the problems, we always seem to want those who don't necessarily want us back. To yearn for the attention of a person who has eyes for someone else. Am I wrong for wanting to be loved? No. But why should I try to take away HIS love from another?

I like him. I can't deny that. I always will. Sex complicates things. I won't try to break up anything if there is something there but still.. *sigh*.

I just want what I want. Is that so wrong?

Fuck this shit. Fuck Love.

Question!

Would you agree to sign a pre-nup that would leave you with next to NOTHING if you were to get a divorce??

I'm not saying with normal 5-6 figure dudes.. I'm talkin multi-millionaires. Would you sign a pre-nuptial agreement that would leave you with NOTHING even if you really "LOVED" the guy??

"Holla we want PRENUP!!"

What if YOU'RE equally or more successful than your partner?? Then would you agree to sign a prenup?? hmmmmm

For the Homies locked up..

I'm supposed to write my homie in Jail.. But i haven't yet. smh. I'm a bad friend. I just need stamps and an envelope.. I said I was gonna write like two weeks ago. I feel bad. Damn. I'm so gangsta. I have fam locked up for murder #nshit.. Oh lawd...

But I'm gangsta myself. I wish I was so bad. Damn. Guttah.

I won't say Free SoNSo because he did the crime & I do believe that you must do the time..

But I also think that not being able to afford a GOOD lawyer is the main reason why many of my fellow black brothers & sisters are locked up for years off some stupid drug case but a fuckin murderer can get off with just 15yrs.. A rapist/child molester sometimes only gets 3-5yrs. SMH. Oh yeah, but only if they're white. Aint that some shit?

That's the only problem I have with this fucked up justice system. Its not really about if you're guilty or not.. Its about if your lawyer is smart enough to get you out of trouble or prove you're insane, or that their isn't enough EVIDENCE smh. Bitches. White America.. White America.

Black Culture..

How can you define your blackness? Does straightening your hair take away from your blackness? Does having natural hair make you more black than those who relax their hair? How about wearing weave/wigs/extensions? Does altering or changing your natural hair make you more or less BLACK or is the topic of hair not even up to debate when discussing blackness??

Why am I asking this?

Well... I once had a debate with a guy about Beyonce not representing black culture because she wears a lacefront.

so my question to you is: What do you feel defines black culture? Does hair have ANYTHING to do with it or no?

Pussy Vs Dicks

How many women have actually LOOKED at their vaginas? Do you know how you look "down there"? Do you know yourself enough to reach a climax ALONE? Do you know the depth of your vagina?

Many of you will answer NO to at least one of those questions.

Why can't we as a women be comfortable enough to know our own bodies? Why is it such a taboo subject that most women don't even like to say the word vagina let alone talk about it?

I can respect women like Eve Ensler (creator of the Vagina Monologues). If you haven't read her books, I think you should. :)

Seriously though, there is nothing wrong with masturbation. Why is that most women won't even admit to watching porn, let alone pleasuring themselves? No lie, I love porn. I love mastie (my code word for masturbation on twitter--- keep up, list of my quips & sayings coming soon...). I know my body and I know what she likes. I know what it takes to please me. I know what arouses me & what does NOTHING for me.

We as women are bred to be private, often calling our girls our private box/privacy/secret chest etc. Everyone knows what a penis looks like, very few can draw a vagina. Why do I discuss this?

There's always been this double standard in society where men are able to express themselves sexually, yet woman can't without being called whores, sluts, skanks, easy... Everything negative. Its okay if a guy has casual sex with a woman but if we have casual sex with a man? Oh no.. we gave it up too easily. We're going to become attached. Whatever.

Women think about sex just about as much as, if not MORE than men. Most just hate to admit it. Its possible to have a sexual connection with someone and not want to be involved with them at all.

Fuck double standards. If I want to have sex with you, I can & I probably will. If I want a relationship with you, I pursue you accordingly.

Men can become attached after sex as well. But fuck men, I'm talking about my women..

any thoughts, comments?? I'd love to hear what you guys think.

Letter Chasers

People annoy me. Now I know what you're thinking.. WHAT?! How can people annoy you? Well its not actually people in general, just some ish that people do. Being in the AUC i see/saw a lot of shit that annoyed me. One in particular, LETTER CHASERS.

Now Letter Chasers aren't just in the AUC, they are basically at all colleges & universities.

What is a "Letter Chaser"? The equivalent of a gold digger but instead of going after guys with money, they go after guys with letters-- guys in fraternities.

Once a guy gets those coveted letters on his chest, his pussy meter goes up drastically. That lame from Freshman year who could barely get a girl to message him back on facebook now has an abundance of women who are willing to drop drawers whenever he snaps his fingers. I'm infatuated with this one guy... We'll call him Alvin since I'm the Chipmunk. He has letters now but luckily he's still the same. :) Love that guy.

Letter Chasers are more annoying to me than Groupies. You are really willing to sleep with this guy because he's NOW in a frat? I'm sorry if you were a lame jackass before you joined, you will most likely still be one afterwards. Just a more arrogant lame jackass because you know that you can have way more girls now. SMH!

Letter Chasers, I frown down upon you. We as women should still have some morals in life. You're beneath a gold digger & a groupie to me. Gold diggers at least aim to get monetary gifts out of their pursuits, & groupies may become close to the celebrity they're banging to get gifts, backstage passes, tickets, money -- whatever that celebrity decides. Maybe even get knocked up & become one of Weezy's babymamas (Hahahaha, you know I had to do it )

But what does a Letter Chaser get? Not a damn thing but a few minutes of pleasure and maybe a fuck buddy for the time being. I don't give a damn about a reputation.. Bad reps are obsolete in my world. I'm just saying.. At least chase after the guy with the job offers & not the dude who has on that jacket. :)

Something in the Honey..

For some strange reason everyone has been wanting to experience the love sounds of Bee. They have been pursuing me heavily. No not for sex you guys- the big R. Yeah, you guess correctly. Relationship. So all I had to do was swear off men & guys would come from all over wishing they were with me?? Wow. crazy. I mean, it is nice to know that these men are interested in more than just sex even though I'm sure sex is on their minds.

Two are willing to spark up long distance relationships with ME. Like damn, really? Arghhh. You people amaze me.

I kindly turn them down. I don't rush into anything. I take my time & do it right. I'm hoping that my next becomes my last.. or at least lasts some years. That is all.

fuck you..

Someone once told me that my mind wasn’t free.. That I could not do what I wanted to do in life. That I could not change the world. Someone once told me that if I wasn’t going to school to make a lot of money then I was going to the wrong school and wasting my time. Someone once told me that I was not going to be successful.. That I should just shovel shit for 30,000 a year if I wasn’t going to school to be a doctor or lawyer..

My mind is indeed free. I speak freely.. I think freely. How is my mind enslaved? I do not think that I am subservient to another human being. I do not think that I have limitations on what I can accomplish because of my age, race, gender, sexual orientation.. I believe that I can do WHATEVER I want.. But you say that I can’t….


How dare you tell me that I can not be successful without a piece of paper when you won’t even give me the chance to tell you what it is that I desire to do with my life.


Good thing I don't listen to people. I listen to myself.. you know with the very same mind you say isn't free..

Unpretty

you wanna know what i hate?

when dark skin girls proclaim that they are treated worse than Light skin girls with long hair to the point where they began to hate on every chick who is lighter and has hair that is past her shoulders.

Dear Dark skin girls: quit blaming light skin ppl for your own insecurities. just because lil wayne likes em long hair thick & redbone doesn't mean you have to hate on everyone who fits that criteria.

im sorry.. i just get mad at girls who claim that all light skin girls have an advantage over darker skin chicks..cuz we all know unattractiveness comes in ALL shades.

Its not that serious. If you think its unfair that you're dark, you have deeper insecurities than you know about.

You mad cuz you're bald? Buy some hair..

You wanna be lighter? Bleach your skin..

You mad cuz you not thick enough? Get you sum ass implants..

lol.. do it all. You better listen to Unpretty by TLC & shut the hell up. I do not want to hear the same sob story that "guys/celebrities prefer the exotic or lighter skinned girls with long hair.." so you're left out. poooey.

Shit is old. played out. i dont care.

guys are attracted to me.. and i'm a brown skinned girl with a tiny afro.

its not because you're dark.. its because you're ugly.

Cunnilingus?

Do you know what cunnilingus is? Well maybe you should google it :)

When did guys all bond together and decide that performing this sex act was the way to go? When did it become okay to do this with someone other than the Wife? Where was I when this transition occurred. Maybe like the Digital transition that happened that nobody realized until days later..

I say this because lately I'm come across many guys who enjoy cunnilingus like its the new pair of Js. SMH. I remember when you could not pay a guy to do that to you yet he always enjoy fellatio as if it were the ultimate test of "do you like me? well.." I'm not mad at this at all. Maybe its more of a young guy thing. Older more experienced guys have no problem with this at all.. but shall i tell you all a secret? Well my first oral encounter happened when I was on twelve.

Yes. I said it. 12 years of age. He was 16. It started out as a kiss. My first kiss actually. Then he asked if he could "*** ** ***" and I didn't know what it meant so I said "ok". I figured it was like a french kiss with a twist. Of course it was not. I was shocked. I was a virgin. I felt tainted afterwards, especially when he asked for me to return the favor and I said Hell no. I mean when I was that age, I knew that good girls didn't do that and only slutty white girls gave head. That wasn't I. I was the prudish girl who got her first kiss at the age of 12 by a guy who clearly took advantage of her. Needless to say it didn't go farther than that and I was back asleep in my sister's bed like nothing happened.

The next time I experienced this sexual act I was in 11th grade. Again he was a couple of years older. 19 perhaps. Then senior year of course. My guy was in his 20s. Fast forward to college: MOST GUYS DO IT. ON the first night. To me, it became more of a "well I won't have sex with you but we can just.. watch tv" and most guys can't watch tv without trying something. So of course they think that just because you get the cunnilingus action going on then it may be easier to go "all the way, may!" with you. Exact opposite. If I reach an orgasm, there is no need to continue.

To me, this act became a "get back" thing. I used it to feel empowered by all males who have used women for sex. Yes in my twisted little mind I became a feminist by using guys for what I wanted. The best part about this was not returning the favor. That was my ultimate kick in the balls moment. For everytime I guy has hit it and quit or slept with the best friend or sent nude pics of her to all his friends. SMH

Of course, I'm not sayint that I've never did anything. Thats up to you to decide I suppose. Its no secret. I'm no virgin. I do what I want and with whomever I choose. But of course there is a double standard. Of course this type of behaviour is not common with the female sex. This is strictly a guy trait. But why should men have all the fun. All of the pleasure.

To me performing oral of a guy and getting no oral in return is the same as bowing down to a man and being submissive to him. Sorry. I can't rock with that. I refuse to be used as some sex pawn. My sexuality is apart of me spiritually and I cannot give my all to someone who does not want to or refuses to give me the same as I have given him or MORE. Maybe this seemingly male characteristic that I possess comes from the fact that I grew up around all boy cousins and brothers. I hung out with mostly guys because girls were very fake and catty. Most were jealous because of what I accomplished, who I got attention from, or how I looked. This is obviously common to most females- but anywho.. I bonded better with guys and for the longest I had many males friends who considered me "just one of the guys" which is a nice place to be.

I was always protected. I felt protected. I learnt so much from just observing them. What they said in front of the ladies and what was said behind their backs. Of course this gave me an uncanny bullshit radar which is AWESOME. I know how guys front. I know how far a guy will go to get what he wants and how he will always tell his friends once he got it. By being around them, I began to act like them in some sorts. I have very traditionally masculine traits. I try not to be so sexy.. but then again i realize that sexyness just exuberates throught my person. Even in sweats and a hoodie I can grab the eye of a man. Maybe its my geisha background lmao.

So with this being said: when did cunnilingus become the latest fad? Do you know how many guys will just walk up to you and say "Damn, I just wanna taste it" Boy sit down. SMH. And of course since my name is Bee, guys always text referring to tasting the honey. I think i'm to blame. Ever since that halloween costume its been all types of bad.

I think the sudden surge in cunnilingus interest is mostly in the black community. I have discovered that alot of white girls still prefer to just please than be pleased.

Well whatever you like do it well. This has been a sex blog. Enjoy.
Maybe my novel will reflect this. Hmm. You know what they say; Sex sells :)

Mi novio futuro

So on to my future fiance.. He is damn near perfect, though I don't see any of his flaws.. SMH. He is so driven and motivated to be the absolute best that HE can be. He is a man of God, so spiritual-- something that I'm lacking in my life (spirituality). He even inspires me for the better and challenges me to be better without even knowing it (DC3).. Intelligent. Funny. Fine, oh sooo freakin' fine. Funny thing is.. I've had a kindergarten crush on him for years.. Like I'd see him and be like hmmmm.. & then my cousin would always tell me that me and his friend would be PERFECT for each other because we were kind of the same mentally i suppose.. But I was just like nahhh i doubt it.

But after awhile it was evident that he amy have been right.. We were facebook friends for almost a year before he decided to hit me up one night while he was at work. Purely out of boredom and then it escalated from their. He had a girlfriend so it was a strictly friend relationship.. Formed a strong bond and I felt like I could talk to him about ANYTHING. It was blissful lol. And after what.. 2 years we're still that way. Feel like I can tell him anything and he won't judge me. Levels me out. Mellows me out. When I'm feelin like bustin a bitch in her damn face.. He gets me to chill & be like whatever. :) But I've known him since I was a small child.. Since Lil' Wayne's "The Block Is Hot" song was out.. so he is NO stranger. He comments on all of my good qualities and not my flaws though he knows I have them-- says I'll outgrow it.

Man.. I know you love that ish. And we've been on a level. And we're on this level. And it is by no means eye level.

1,000 Miles Away Part TWO

Why is all of this drama happening over stupid shit. LOL
YOU wrote the note.. Its full of falsehoods. But then again I know why nobody is my "friend".. Hell I outgrow people.

So I'm told that I shouldn't write all of this on here.. I should put it on facebook.. No, this is for a class obviously.. My english professor told me that I should have a blog. I mean, I AM an English major. We write. We blog. Its nothing. I mean if I was hiding ANYTHING why would I even post the link on my facebook?? Lol But anywho, On to the TRUE writing daily assessment.

So Today was crazy!! I had to have the "sex talk" with my little sister.. oh GOSH. I'm too young for this.. I think its better for your older sibling to talk to you rather than your parents because I know when I was that age I didn't wanna hear ANYTHING my parents had to tell me. I was old enough to make my OWN decisions.. but hey, you live and you learn..

So I had a little 'tiff' with that guy. Yeahh.. Its time to just throw that ish out the bag.. We argue too damn much about simple things. Like why I don't wanna get him no juice and being nosey going thru his facebook. Ha. Ha. Ha. so me and that lame shall just be friends I guess. Okay not even that. Sometimes you just get tired of being stagnant.. No progression is not the way to go..

Anywho, I really shouldn't even be online right now.. I should be taking my homeless ass to a shelter. Damn, i forgot.. I'm sittin up in my OWN room, in my OWN apartment where I run shit. LOL.. i'm not staying with my mother.. i'm on my own. Grown as hell but oh do I wish I could just move it right along and GO back to living with my parents. Shit, I gotta cook and clean for myself. Kids have it all..

i need to talk to B so he can calm me down... you know he is the only sane person i know.. he can make me not feel sooooo freakin mellow. better than weed. too bad i don't smoke anymore... gah..


but truth be told.. I held back. there was sooo much i could've said. There was soo much put out there.. I'm lying bout you fucking Thomas, Dickson, & Harold?? I could have posted the numerous conversations that people have sent to me about you.. I could have said shit bout how you lost your job-- the true reason behind it. I could have told them how my kinfolk really did you ALLLLLLLL those times but i didn't because that wasn't what this was all about. But of course people want to bring up small ish on me.

Of course your friends will take up for you and TAG TEAM but I stand ON MY OWN. I don't need people surrounding me to buck me up. I don't need to tell my friends a bunch of shit about you or make up shit and then have them throw it out there.. Hahaha. Its silly. I let it get to me because I had a guy who doesn't even know me text me about it.. Taggin random people. I'm cool now.. with my blackplanet picture and all. You're soooo gay. And i'm not talking about your sexuality :)