I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

Never settle.

And I mean this in EVERY aspect of life-- but definitely never settle in a relationship.

I settled. For years I settled for the almost & not quite guys instead of exactly what I was looking for. I'm confident in every aspect of my being UNTIL it comes to my love life.

For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for love. I've read all the books about it; Watched all the movies; Listened to all the songs. I have worked diligently for years trying to find that LOVE that young girls dream about. I planned my wedding when I was 8. I knew I'd be married at 22 & have kids by 24. I knew all of this. At 25, I don't have any of it. I have nothing.

Why? Because I settled.

One day I woke up and felt that I wasn't good enough for what I truly wanted so I just took what was placed in front of me and ran with it. Maybe that's not 100% true but i really don't feel like going into the depts of why I am this way.

I fall hard & fast. Either I love you or I don't care about you at all. This isn't healthy. It's hard for me to just be single because I was always trying to prove to myself & everyone else that I wasn't the girl that couldn't get a man. Nothing was wrong with me! I can keep a man! So I dealt with so much shit. I put up with more than most people because I was afraid of being alone. Looking around & you see everyone you went to high school with married with children and you're just like... "What about me? What did I do wrong??"

I did everything i was supposed to do in my eyes. I guess i just stayed with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

I settled. Never took a break between men. It was always #OnToTheNextOne because my girl Beyonce taught me that men were definitely not Irreplaceable and I could certainly have another one in a minute.. and he was literally there in a minute. Infidelity. Lies. Hurt. Man... I been through it all.

All for Love. All for this idea that a 25 year old single woman is an anomaly. We are damaged goods. Old news. Spoiled milk. I don't have kids but my ex has two and they aren't by me!? I'm definitely not doing it right. There is just so much going wrong with my life and I felt like I was going to drown in my own sorrows. My tears became invisible but I still wept for the children I never had.

Is this what my life has become? All of my friends are having babies now. And I've never felt more alone.

It's a very weird feeling. I'm happy for them.. but I felt horrible. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn't able to enjoy the Love that was growing inside of them for my own selfish reasons and I hated myself for it. Why can't I be in love? Why can't I be a mother? Why can't I start a family? I was a mess.

One day I decided to leave my pity party. I realized that 25 wasn't the end but merely the beginning. Everyone doesn't have to have kids so early in their 20s. Everyone doesn't have to be with a guy just because they've been together a long time and starting over at this age is a death sentence.

I am happy. I will fall in love with whomever God has chosen for me. I will have children if & when God says is right for me.

I wasted so many years trying to make something work with the wrong guy and putting up with nonsense because I was afraid to be alone but... being alone is nice. The silence is very much loud. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at times but I am ok. No more settling.

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle