Time to be your 21 again..

It has been quite some time since i last decided to blog my heart away... You guys KNOW I "be goin thru some thangz" lol.

Ok so lets get down to the bigger picture. What alllll you guys expect from me-- BRUTAL HONESTY. Lets start with niggas. Dumb ass niggas trying be.. the resurrection of the once defunct relationship/"thing" with 21-- who by the way is now 26... smh.

He relays a message to the informant that he has a new # & would love for me to call.. Of course I do! (what can I say... I cant help it. I get lonely sometimes =) All I say is hello and he instantly knows its ME. Hmmmmm... We chop it up & I get the infamous "Do you miss me?" question and i say yes like a dumbass. He then says he wants to see me (blah blah blah) & needs me to refresh his memory which to me means he wants to woohoo. Anywhoo, I finally grill his ass and ask him about his new relationship.. Umm ok. Lets just say that his old ass refers to his new girl as just someone who he is "talkin" to. Im like dude, you are a grown ass man- either you are together or you aint-- there is no middle ground. Its not HS where you have to lie to ur parents & say that ur not dating when u know u are! ughh. annoyance major.

I can not believe that 5/6 years have passed & he is still in the same spot. When I was 15 I thought he was the SHIT. He had a nice car. Good job. Well dressed. Hell yes he was that nigga. I was dumb & naive. Blinded by his age-- you know Jude/Alexz had that song "Time to be your 21" so i was like yeahh its our song once he turned 21..

But Im a tad bit smarter than I once was.. & I look at the shit he's saying now versus the shit he told me then. I believed it all then-- Not now. Umm I know its pretty serious with you and your new girl if you LIVE together-- she's met your kid & you've met hers. She felt the need to inform me that you two were together. Umm yeah you're not talking, you're TOGETHER. smh.

dumb ass niggas.. funny how i will always end up in these stupid ass situations. lol

Sober as hell

Im slipping on the blogging... I've been too busy getting me and my LIFE back together :) I need to fix some flaws in the plan and begin anew.. Its too much going on in the world today for me to be complacent. Time for me to move on from all things bad.

I rarely drink now. Its weird that I'm 21 and can LEGALLY drink but I choose not too. I haven't been drunk since I turned 21. How strange. This doesn't mean I haven't had a drink or two.. lol I just haven't been tipsy or drunk ass hell :)

Thats all for now..

I have to let you go..

I know I should let you go. but i cant. i really tried to but i didnt succeed.
I want to believe that if i stay around things will eventually be in my favor. I want to believe that everything that I have to say will matter to you. I want to believe that I could be with you. but I know thats not possible.

I have to wake up. I have to be smart. I have to let you go. I've tried for months. Still not successful.

I just wanted to kiss you. I just wanted to hug you. I just wanted to breathe in the same air as you breathe and see my reflection in your eyes. I just wanted to be in your arms all night. i just wanted for you to be what I wanted you to be. WITH me.

but thats not possible. I have to grow up. Just be a friend i suppose.

Hmmmmm...

i can never say how i really feel about certain people.
its been that way for years now.. I can't help it.

different guy, same outcome.
the blueprints hardly ever change.
it will always be this way.
he will always be that guy who started out as a friend..
but now i like way more than a friend..
but we cant be anything more than just friends..

and i hate that i let the friend boundaries get blurred
and i hate that i still care about this dumb shit.

i really dont know what i was thinking.
i always do this.
same story, different guy.

not really same story.. but always different guy.
same situation, different babe.

i call you my love, because i care so much.. not love you. i just like you alot..
and i wish that one day i could love you.

oh fuck it.

it has to be lust.
i dont think you like me, like me like Lila & Arnold lol
i just think you like my body.
and the things i say.
sometimes..
i still dont think you "like" me though.
ughh aww poor bee..

i know they're all saying that-
"she's always single"

yeah thats true to .

"she'll never find a man"

yupp probably wont.

oh well.

where's my tequila? lets beat the sobriety outta thus sullen mess.