Fashion-less

Sometimes I think that I just don't fit in with my surroundings at ALL. You know how my style is.. NO style really. I don't like prints.. Or bold colors. Black is perfect. Accesories I HATE. I never carry a purse.. unless I'm shopping. And even then I rather just carry a wallet. I hate scarves. Sometimes even earrings bother me. Jeans and a black or other simple colored shirt and I'm good. NOW i do have my moments of brief weirdness. I own zebra boots that i LOVE. They are ugly as hell but I get bored with me even. I feel my whole de-stylization (made up word smh) came from my skewed mentality. From junior high thru high school i was a mini fashionista. Introduced my followers to knee high boots in 8th grade and stilettos there after. I always looked put together. You couldn't pay me to leave the house without a pair of heels, makeup done, hair on point, and the cutest ensemble.. Then people started hating me. NOBODY liked me because they said i thought i was "all that" (like most black girls.. ha.) And back then, i just wanted people to like me.. so i slowly toned myself down. No longer wanting to stand out.. just kinda blend. Thats why when I came to spelman, I wore flats for the first time. Flip flops everyday. I was tired of people noticing ME. I hate attention. I hate when guys only like me for the way I look instead of what I have to SAY. I even cut off my hair.. slowly but surely.

Now I've come to realize that this whole fashion "thing" is stupid. I do not want to spend hours getting ready just to make an appearance. Its silly. I rather people say.. oh she's so bland. Ordinary. It's more realistic I suppose. I can't hide behind a bunch of accesories.. spiffy bag, oversized shades, bags of weave, etc.. You have to be able to be with the boring Bee. The tshirt and jeans Bee. The minimal makeup Bee, to accept the real me. I don't want to wake up next to my husband and he say.. "... um babe, you don't look like yourself". I need for him to know that THIS is how I look.

Of course, I'm contradicting myself.. I have green contacts. Love eyeliner. Spent $113 on some shoes. Own a pair of latex leggings. Ahhh.. even I have those brief moments of retail insanity. Its sad.. but true. Trying SOOOO hard to be different.. while trying to blend in. Hmmmm.. that's LIFe.

anywho, I went to Geisha House last night with my newfound friend Jamaal for his birthday. Ironically enough, I was the only straight person there. As Jamaal put it, I was surrounded by "gays, trannies, queens, transgenders, lesbians, and those on the DL.." hahahaha. I love it. They all looked so spiffy. Sad that I'm always around the LGBT clan.. Jamaal even thought that I was gay.. No no honey.. unfortunately i'm straight. Hahaha.. Maybe if I were a lesbian my weirdness would make sense. Then i'd start doing poetry at Tilt & Jazzman's, get funky colors in my hair, start caring about my appearance.. Yeah, I'd definitely be butch because as my girls put it i'm too handy like a man. I mean I did push a car by myself with people inside, in the rain. :)

Improvements

Over the past couple of days I have encountered the most intriguing blogs. I am super jealous. I feel that I have not been performing up to the blogging standards set by the phenom bloggers out there today. Vividly Bland needs to be revamped and given a serious makeover.

There is one problem: I don't know where vividly bland is headed!! Initially I set up the blog as a way to let my creative juices flow and somehow get started on the as yet untitled and hardly thought of premiere novel by yours truly. Then it turned into me just talking about my day... which nobody wants to hear which is why I started calling it vividly bland. That is the most unique thing about this blog. At first it was called theycallmebeezy which I think is the lamest name EVER- but it was an era. I never even gave an explanation for the name VIVIDLY BLAND.

My about me sections ends by saying something corny like "vividly bland is more than just words... its my life". I guess that was like the catch phrase I heard in my head. Vivid & Bland are two words which may not neccessarily be polar opposites but they don't really mix well together at all. The VIVID part of my life comes from the outside world looking in. A stranger looking through my pictures may be fooled into thinking that I am just the life of the party- lots of friends, always partying, crazy wild antics on a friday night, alcoholic, fun loving Bitch. You know, living it up in Atlanta. Spelmanite. This is all just an illusion I think. Your whole being is merely a facade. Pictures are only worth a thousand words but your life is wayy more than that. No one is who they appear to me. So even if my life seems so bright and vivid to others, I feel that its tasteless- bland. Pedestrian at best. I'm just an averagely weird girl who constantly contradicts herself and tries to understand why LIFE is one big Oxymoron.

So Good.

So good.. Kelly & Bey said it way better than I ever could.

"Hey how you doing? Yeah, I'm doing mighty fine
That's how I say 'it's been a long time'
Stop smiling at me, get that look off your face
Please dont even front, stop being so fake
I know you don't like me, yeah you've made it very clear
You always talkin' 'bout me from what I hear
Always put me down when you thought that you could
But I want you to know that I'm doin' so good ...

... Wasn't it you that said that I thought I was all that
And you said I didn't have a clue
Wasn't it you that said
That I wouldn't make it through
Wasn't it you that said that I wouldn't do too good
Look at me, NOW AINT GOD GOOD
And now I made it out the hood
I want you to know that I'm doing so good "

My official anthem.. Had to take it back because alot of people have been so freakin fake lately. You were happy when I was at my lowest point.. But damn, once a girl starts to live it UP and do something positive with her life EVERYBODY wants to bring YOU DOWN. Nobody is going to do that for me.. Loved to throw up my past in my face like I am still that young naive little girl who obviously made a LOT of mistakes.. That was then, this is now. No I am not ashamed of anything that Beezy did. And I don't take back anything that Beezy said. I have no apologies. I am just so happy and that is all that matters to me. I've been through the fire and back again.. I have done all that crazy nonsense. That part of my life is over. I'm all about graduating in 2011 from Spelman College.. What about you?

I may have not had as much as some people growing up but trust I had more than enough. Do you not remember those days?? My parents made sure I had everything I wanted and needed (minus a damn car..) So just because I may not flaunt stuff, doesn't mean I have nothing. Unlike others I do not need validation to know that i am "ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS" lol. I don't need to post pictures of where I go and what I do to prove to the world of Facebook any gosh darn thing.

These same people who swore up and down that I would be a nobody with a house full of kids are some of the main ones who are knocked up or with a couple of bebe's now. Twenty years old with NO kids, NO baby daddy's..

But really, I have a loong way to go. I'm nowhere near perfect...

Anywho, I don't need people to go and read my blog daily to check on who and what I'm talking about. The number has been the same since 2004. Its 2009 baby.. Nothing has changed but the name of my service provider. So if anywho out there in cyber space has anything to say.. PLEASE feel free to call.. if you don't want to chat.. Text. Don't wanna do that.. email me. Don't like that option either.. Call my mama.. or my brother. Or my cousins. Or Obama. I don't care..

but please no more internet gangsterisms.


el fin.

Mi novio futuro

So on to my future fiance.. He is damn near perfect, though I don't see any of his flaws.. SMH. He is so driven and motivated to be the absolute best that HE can be. He is a man of God, so spiritual-- something that I'm lacking in my life (spirituality). He even inspires me for the better and challenges me to be better without even knowing it (DC3).. Intelligent. Funny. Fine, oh sooo freakin' fine. Funny thing is.. I've had a kindergarten crush on him for years.. Like I'd see him and be like hmmmm.. & then my cousin would always tell me that me and his friend would be PERFECT for each other because we were kind of the same mentally i suppose.. But I was just like nahhh i doubt it.

But after awhile it was evident that he amy have been right.. We were facebook friends for almost a year before he decided to hit me up one night while he was at work. Purely out of boredom and then it escalated from their. He had a girlfriend so it was a strictly friend relationship.. Formed a strong bond and I felt like I could talk to him about ANYTHING. It was blissful lol. And after what.. 2 years we're still that way. Feel like I can tell him anything and he won't judge me. Levels me out. Mellows me out. When I'm feelin like bustin a bitch in her damn face.. He gets me to chill & be like whatever. :) But I've known him since I was a small child.. Since Lil' Wayne's "The Block Is Hot" song was out.. so he is NO stranger. He comments on all of my good qualities and not my flaws though he knows I have them-- says I'll outgrow it.

Man.. I know you love that ish. And we've been on a level. And we're on this level. And it is by no means eye level.

WHAT a friend..

"... boyfriends and friends are like batteries; interchangeable and if they start actin up or quit working for you, throw them out and replace them."

Now I've been thinking about all of this alot lately. The whole idea of a friend and how some people spend the majority of their time either trying to find or keep a friend. A Girl Like Me (shouts Rihanna) never quite dwealt on the issue of "friendship" because it has been coming and going for years. I learned the hard way back in elementary that a friend only lasts as long as they want to be there. As soon as something more appealing comes around or a situation arouses where they feel they can't keep up anymore.. they gone. Poof. Especially with girls..

So my philosophy is treat everyone like a battery. Throw them OUT when they're dead.. hahaha.

So morbid of me but true. I kind of feel a little Z-Ro ish by saying this but I am truly ONE deep. I spend the majority of MY day in MY room by MYSELF. I go to class by MYSELF. I eat dinner mostly by MYSELF. I am always a solo star so I don't need any back up dancers or singers. This is a one WOMAN show, Starring Bee.

This is not to say that I don't hang with a few people occasionally.. When I go out I don't have a few girls with me or I never go chill with the homies. I do. The difference between me and most people I know is that it never bothered me that I didn't have alot of close friends. Folks so scandalous these days so I treat them all the same. Oh we may be 'cool' but you are not my "bitch", my "nigga", my ace boon nothing.. Can't even call it an aquaintance because I've known some of those for years. It may even be fitting to call them groupies or fans. Damn that was harsh huh??

Anywho, the same applies to men. They come, they go.. That easily. sometimes its just a bang bang skeet skeet situation other times its something more. Who cares. A guy is only temporary.. But my man is for keeps. hahahahaha...

1,000 Miles Away Part TWO

Why is all of this drama happening over stupid shit. LOL
YOU wrote the note.. Its full of falsehoods. But then again I know why nobody is my "friend".. Hell I outgrow people.

So I'm told that I shouldn't write all of this on here.. I should put it on facebook.. No, this is for a class obviously.. My english professor told me that I should have a blog. I mean, I AM an English major. We write. We blog. Its nothing. I mean if I was hiding ANYTHING why would I even post the link on my facebook?? Lol But anywho, On to the TRUE writing daily assessment.

So Today was crazy!! I had to have the "sex talk" with my little sister.. oh GOSH. I'm too young for this.. I think its better for your older sibling to talk to you rather than your parents because I know when I was that age I didn't wanna hear ANYTHING my parents had to tell me. I was old enough to make my OWN decisions.. but hey, you live and you learn..

So I had a little 'tiff' with that guy. Yeahh.. Its time to just throw that ish out the bag.. We argue too damn much about simple things. Like why I don't wanna get him no juice and being nosey going thru his facebook. Ha. Ha. Ha. so me and that lame shall just be friends I guess. Okay not even that. Sometimes you just get tired of being stagnant.. No progression is not the way to go..

Anywho, I really shouldn't even be online right now.. I should be taking my homeless ass to a shelter. Damn, i forgot.. I'm sittin up in my OWN room, in my OWN apartment where I run shit. LOL.. i'm not staying with my mother.. i'm on my own. Grown as hell but oh do I wish I could just move it right along and GO back to living with my parents. Shit, I gotta cook and clean for myself. Kids have it all..

i need to talk to B so he can calm me down... you know he is the only sane person i know.. he can make me not feel sooooo freakin mellow. better than weed. too bad i don't smoke anymore... gah..


but truth be told.. I held back. there was sooo much i could've said. There was soo much put out there.. I'm lying bout you fucking Thomas, Dickson, & Harold?? I could have posted the numerous conversations that people have sent to me about you.. I could have said shit bout how you lost your job-- the true reason behind it. I could have told them how my kinfolk really did you ALLLLLLLL those times but i didn't because that wasn't what this was all about. But of course people want to bring up small ish on me.

Of course your friends will take up for you and TAG TEAM but I stand ON MY OWN. I don't need people surrounding me to buck me up. I don't need to tell my friends a bunch of shit about you or make up shit and then have them throw it out there.. Hahaha. Its silly. I let it get to me because I had a guy who doesn't even know me text me about it.. Taggin random people. I'm cool now.. with my blackplanet picture and all. You're soooo gay. And i'm not talking about your sexuality :)

1,000 Miles Away Part ONE.

Damn, Do i have to go thru it all ONE by ONE?
Frank, my dear Frank why do i wake up in the morning and got my phone ringing off the hook because of something on Facebook. Damn, can't even go to class before people want to start at it.
Of course everytime people need to talk SHIT about me, they always bring up some shit about High School & how I was sooo dumb and how this nigga talked so bad about me. True enough, we not in high school anymore and I guarantee shit that happened when I was 16 aint happening now sooo PLEASE put it out there what the fuck MICHAEL said about me!!! lol
(FYI it wasn't cooler ranch; it was Nacho Cheese flavored.. since you want to RUN your mouth.. get the story completely correct first.)

So please tell me ALL of my business!! Because obviously you don't know anything past the year 2006 if all you can mention is that young man. I shouldn't have even put his name in here because He's not IN this nonsense. Its silly. Its 2009 and you do not know the number of guys I've slept with. The names of those guys I slept with. Who my last anything was simply because its not broadcast out for the general public to view. Trust if they want to know, they can find out easily I suppose. There is nothing that you can bring up that I would be embarrassed about. I did it?? Damn, i did OH WELL. So once again, can you please air out all of my dirty laundry.


I'm jealous because somebody gets "it" more than me?? Are we talking about sex?? Now why in the world would i be mad that another female is getting wayyy more dick than I am?? That's what you're saying right, that Teri Matchett fucks more than Brittney?? Hell I do not know nor do I care so if she is getting more dick. Let that bitch fuck as many dudes as she want.

And about me living BICARIOUSLY through the internet. For one, the word is VICARIOUSLY.. and I do not live my life vicariously through the internet. I mean, All of my homework is submitted through WebCT on the internet & I have my schedule online.. & we pay our tuition online.. You know what, you're right.. I DO live through the internet!! But not because I want to; only because in the world we live in today EVERYTHING is on the internet. News, Weather, TV, etc.. Unfortunately there is nothing false about me online.. My name is Brittney, Spelman College class of 2011. From Texas. Matriculating in Atlanta, Georgia. I've never tried to live a DOUBLE life. lol so Please watch what you're saying. And if you're not, at least make sure its correct.. But by all Means CONTINUE.

Unlike you and others who may boast and brag about the number of friends you have that you actually "know";I delete people daily.. Pride myself on having a small group of people that i actually know vs lets say everyone who goes to my school. Just because you see somebody and they say HEY does NOT make them your "friend". Trust, everybody who writes on my wall minus those annoying party promoters, I've actually met. I hang out with them. I know them. If I didn't, why would they write on my wall.. So please click on all of their names and ask them if they really "know" me. Why would someone pretend to have friends??

And like Teri said; I've lost sooooo many friends in the last "five" years.. So why would having them matter so much and why would I lie? lol Anywho, I never said anyone was jealous of me but yall saying it enough that it must be true. You all continuously get on here and talk slick about people but aint nobody sayin shit to anyone's face. I don't want anybody to be jealous of me.. Jealous about what?! That I don't live with my parents and I have to pay bills?? That my tuition is $30,000 a year.. and after the little government money I still gotta pay 15,000 outta pocket?? But I'm broke and struggling... HELL yes I am!! I'm a college student! Thats how it is. As soon as I get MONEY I spend it.

Speaking of which, I heard I couldn't find a ride back to Atlanta... Well the true story is my daddy was going to take Atlanta the weekend before school started but at the last minute he said he couldn't.. That meant I had to book a flight or catch greyhound. I said HELL no to greyhound of course and decided that flying was the only option. Idk if you read that in a blog or heard somebody else saying it but I really wanted someone to drive me back so I could shop for my apartment. You know being HOMELESS and all I need to have the best looking box out there. Ha.ha. So I was not stuck in Huntsville for WEEKS, just a week.. actually only 3 days longer than I was supposed to be In Huntsville. And you can blame US Airways, Delta AND Continental for that.

NO no, this is not a TALK trash note this is a "rebuttal". But beware inbetween my assignments the "verbal abuse" will continue I suppose. Cause TRUST I'm letting it all out ONE by ONE. ~

U better Work!!

today my future fiance told me that i was materialistic, so false.. i told him that if i was, i'd never had started talkin to him cuz he never dropped stacks on me.. And if i was all about the material things then trust he'd have to break bread..

but im not like that. i think im the only girl who'd prefer to get her own than to have some guy do it. hahaha. so stupid right?? And even though i don't have a job trust that I WORK for everything that i've got.. Believe that.

My week has been crazy.. games of dare & drunken nights.. ughh thats for another time.

Why are people pretending to be something they're not on facebook?? lol.. i mean, i usually don't do this.. and i mean.. putting ppl on blast on the internet is sooo high school but trust im inches away from letting it be known what it is. I just feel like this person, who i will name later own has been gettin a little beside herself acting like she is just miss IT.. And i just gotta let her know that just because you fuck alot of guys doens't mean you're popular.. it means you're a jumpoff honey. Of course alot of guys know you cuz like shawty lo, you've fucked em all.

I mean, i'm all for female empowerment, embracing your sexuality and all that but jsut think about it Silly.. you braggin about being VIP & gettin into parties free.. Anybody can get in a party free.. Anybody can be VIP.. been there done that. But to try and talk down on other people like you just have amazing Style and ppl just hate you because you be everywhere.. no no honey. you're just stupid. And she had the nerve to say she should give someone a makeover?! Honey needs to take her own advice.. i mean damn.. chick is wearing the same shit to every party that she's had since freakin 10th grade. I mean really, peasant blouses?? with the elastic banding around the chest?? YOu think you're fly?? hahaha.. and not the same skirt that i wore to my 7th grade homecoming.. ha! But see i didn't have to do that.. i'm just upset that she's trying to talk down on people & then accuse others of doing the same.. Hell yes i talk about ppl.. but do i do it to make myself feel better?? nah.. obviously she does..

This chick wrote a note, obviously talkin bout me.. then deleted it. lol.. Named people in it who are supposedly her ride to dies and guttahs but truth be told some of the ppl she named are the main ones who be talkin bout her DuMB ass. But heyyy how else would i have known alllllll her business.. I tried to tell her but hmmm alright she didn't listen. Thats your dumb ass..

Oh and she doesn't know that i KNOW that she felt like i took her place when i came back home.. smh. silly silly.. she doesn't know that i can let the lion out the cage for this one.. oh but trust, if you want to play silly little childish games and get with it, i'm the perfect candidate cuz thats my ol' pastime.. i was the blog queen. lol trash talking comes effortlessly but i was trying to be cool and NOT do that.. haha.. she done pushed my buttons.. makin me go back to my old ways..

stay tuned..

:(

sometimes i think that we could be
more than just friends & everything'll be peachy
but i know that that will never be..
i know that you can handle me..
because i'm too much i speak whats on my mind
i say certain things and i cross over all lines
i cant be subdued i have to break through
and you never knew these things were untrue
i may not love you but i still know
i kinda "dig" ya, but oh
you want more than i can give
you want me to be apart of a life i can't live
you want me to cry whenever you're away
you want me to go when i want you to stay
i can't be a princess i can't be a queen
i can only be me, and that is more than it may seem
maybe i'm too aggressive maybe i'm too blunt
maybe i need counseling, there's no need to front
maybe i need some answers you're not willing to explain
and then you wonder why i'm so lost and insane
i busted your windows maybe even key your car
but these simple things only go so far
i cause you some pain, maybe the same pain as me
but then i see you and you seem happy?
i don't understand why you seem unchanged
and i run around looking lost and deranged
you never apologize unless you need some love
but when i need it i don't get what i deserve..
i need way more than you're willing to give
and you don't understand this isn't just adlibs
i'm saying whats really in my heart.
i can't believe you wanna press restart...
i cant i wont i say it you don't
i cant i wont i say it you don't
i cant i wont i say it you don't
i cant i wont i say it you dont.. .

Changes

He said that things were different.. And that we'd try something else this time around.. but i've come to realize that some things won't ever change.
He will still be the same selfish inconsiderate jerk face evil little twit that he's always been. Such a douche. Such a tool. Such a Arghhh.. Angry... He makes me so mad.. at myself more than anything because time and time again i began to let him back in & he does the same fuckin shit. I can't help it. i can't change him. He doesn't appreciate things for what they are.. or what they could possibly become. I hate him. That is all.

9 oz steak

I'm finally in my new apartment. Its very nice yet quite empty... lol.
Waiting on my furniture to get here.. and so i can decorate with mother & father's money :):) I have a rather large room.. walk in closet & my own bathroom (lovely). I'm upstairs while my friends' room in downstairs so of course we have our own privacy.. Too bad its still in the hood. smh. Anywho, K came over yesterday. Fun.
Meg & Jam spent the night.. how fun was it to sleep on the damn floor hahaha. Then last night we went to Outback Steakhouse. Yum. AND then we played Clue. I won. It was Green in the Theatre with a Trophy. :)
Today we're going shopping for the things Jam wrote on the list.. You need sooo freakin much with a new apartment. Ugh.
Groceries?? Yes.. need that.. Cooking utensils & eatery... need em.
Cleaning products? Oh hell yes.
but yeah, its cool.
a tad bit lonely..
train is LOUD as hell but hey we'll manage.
OH yeah,
Happy MLK DAY!!!!
peacee

peacee.

i'm leaving on a jet plane.. don't when i'll be back again...

& thats so true. i do not know when i'll be back. i mean, why bother? i don't have a house out here anymore.. i don't have a home really. sucks.
i might as well stay in atlanta. i doubt if i'll come back home for summer break. most likely i'll be in summer school.

soo yeah.. that's basically the plan.
atlanta for good.

peacee.


oh yeah, this little fur ball is the one who took my place in my former home. Introducing Dottie the BITCH. Yes I named her.. Mainly because of the spot on top of her head. Only 6 weeks old. ugh, She chewed on my zebra boots.. and basically cries all night. Hmph!


unfortunately, the big beastly Boodie is utterly afraid of the feisty pup. Runs away from her & is becoming horribly territorial now that she's here. Sad.. He's feeling like me i guess, pushed aside and left out.. Another doggie is taking his PLACE. It's not fair that someone's mother now moves in her boyfriend & his daughter who has now taken over the room that i've had since i was like 10 years old. I had to settle for ONE dresser drawer the whole break, Slept ON the couch.. no PRIVACY. Yeah. My life sucks. fuck it.

unwanted fame

I never want to be famous.. I never want to be a household name. I never want to be known around the globe. I can never catch a break. I never understood why people always seemed to hate me. I mean, I don't care.. but still I don't know WHY. I haven't done anything to ANYONE yet everyone wants to know ALL my business. SMH. And if they don't know, they STILL make things up based on just the smallest bit of truth.

IDK. I hate it. I don't want to be famous. I don't want people following. I don't want to live under a microscope. I just want the freedom to be me. Peace.

Dorothy Jean Dandridge

Not many people know that I love MOVIES, especially black movies. I love biographies and biopics and all that goodness and one of my favorite movie legend was Marilyn Monroe.. While reading a book on her life when I was younger, I came across something about the legendary Dorothy Dandridge. About the similarities in their lives, how they were somewhat friends, and both died tragically before their times. If you don't know, Miss Dorothy Dandridge was the FIRST AFRICAN AMERICAN NOMINATED FOR BEST ACTRESS AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS.. Halle Berry starred in the movie based on her life that came out some years ago called "Introducing Dorothy Dandridge"; You should go see it.. Also befitting, Halle Berry was the first African American woman to win that award and in her acceptance speeched thanked ladies like Ms. Dandridge for paving the way..

so yes, i'll always love Marilyn because she is MARILYN, but you have to know that Dorothy is the IDOL. If you didn't know, check out my facebook.. One of my display pics was of hers.. THIS pic here actually :)

so google Dorothy Dandridge!!!!!
Watch the musical Carmen Jones also starring Harry Belfonte and LEARN about your history :)

Sobriety V. Inebriation

I am always in a constant battle with myself. I fight myself daily with the issue of what is wrong versus what is right. I am always contradicting myself with what I say by my actions. And I think... why does it matter? Am I happier when I am sober or when I'm completely oblivious to reality under the influence?? If I give up all the wrong in my life, and its still shitty.. what's the point? The reality of things is we have choices to make.

To either live life completely unhappy and struggling until there is a ray of hope.. Or ride this train to the station of self destruction..

It is a constant battle.. We all have our vices.. Sometimes I wonder if its good enough to just be GOOD or should I just give it all up to be bad.

Well for your listening pleasure; enjoy the sober v drank songs ;):)

Foolish

For some reason that damn song my ashanti is playing.. smh.

So there were two guys to fully pull me through the fire today. And yess at the same time.. Lets start from the beginning.

Alex text'd me this morning; asked when was he going to see me. Of course I said you can come over now.. I don't mind you watching The View, Divorce Court & E! True Hollywood Story with me.. Just made it clear that we were not going to have sex. For many many reasons. I mean guy, you have a girlfriend! Who am I? Just a bang bang skeet skeet-- Its not gonna be like that. So then he tried to make me feel bad for him saying that she's leaving/moving away just like I did so they're breaking up. Trying to make me feel sorry for him; which worked.. He said that everybody always leaves him.. Let me post the text verbatim.

I will never tell you how I truly feel about you cause I'm not gonna put myself out there cause I refuse to get hurt when everybody always leaves me stuck stupid
-- So I say thats not fair to me at all! I constantly put myself out there trying to make things more convenient for you.. And you can't even tell me how you feel?
WTF? Why can't guys just be honest and tell you how they feel.. Things would be so different if I just knew what he was thinking because all of this up & down mess just makes it seem that he just wanted SEX. I'm not doing that. I can't put all of me in something knowing all the while that he's holding back..
So he says:
You leave just like everyone else selfish not caring about me at all
-- Now this just pushed me over the damn edge.
"Selfish? Ha.. Right. Don't blame me for obvious bad karma. You get what you deserve. I didn't leave you. Never were we in a DAMN relationship so I had no obligations to stay here..."

Dude. You had something good. You didn't want to commit so I moved on.. But now that it seems that the same girl who you basically chose over me is moving on with her life, trying to BETTER herself career-wise you now see that damn, I did her wrong.. Because clearly you cheated on her with me.. And me with her vice versa. The whole time we were "together" you were telling me that she was your friend's EX and then 2 yrs later you finally admit that you and her are a couple.. DAMN. Kind of hurt even though its old. So yes Nigga you got what you deserve. Trying to make me feel bad that he can't tell me how he feels and that he is upset that I chose my education over him. NO NO NO! I didn't chose nothing over anything. WE were not together. You didn't care.. You didn't tell me you cared if you did so I don't know~ Why should I feel bad because I left.. I come back every holiday. If i had a reason to be HERE i would come back more. But I don't.

I don't even have a home anymore. How do you feel like a guest in your OWN house? I don't have a room. I sleep on the damn couch!! I have to ask permission to use ish that has been mine for 12 years!! And you want me to feel sorry that I left. No, You were never there for me emotionally. I put it all out there and you were just like nah.. idk. I asked you, if I moved back home would we be together.. you said you didn't know.. that means NO. So there. I'm over it.

Men always feel like they should control things. Just because I want to be independent and make my own, you're salty? Will you pay my bills? Will you support me financially? NO! Nigga you ain't never bought me shit. And you think I care that you're sad?? It sucks.. People move on but guess what.. Its bad karma.

I don't even wanna talk about the other dude now.. more later.. smh.

Garfield & Friends

This picture has nothing to do with anything but boy was that night fun.. Nostalgia. 2008.
So after a month and some weeks he finally decides to contact me. You know after the initial you're crazy.. this is why i'd never.. there is no more.. HE decides that he'll send a happy new year text.. Mind you it was four days late. He decides that he is going to be nicer this year. Ha. Won't be hard at all seeing as how much of a jerk he was to me in 2008. So of course he basically just opened up all those old feelings. Now, I'm not as cold as I thought I was. I can't be heartless, but damn I wish I was.

Am I just supposed to think that everything is fine between us and that nothing happened? Am I supposed to welcome you back into my life and pretend that maybe just maybe.. and things would get better? Or should I just begin anew and try to fall for you again?

I can't do it. I won't do it. So silly. I am not the one..

I don't care that you say you miss me.. You want to see me.. You won't do it this time around.

I am not that dumb. Why are you such a jerk. I know this is supposedly "outlawed" now and politically incorrect, but you are SOOO GAY!!!!! I'm done with him. Fuck him. Stupid. Silly ass.

Ten Annoyances of 2008

So, with the nearly lethal combination of home cooked meals, free alcohol & no sleep til christmas; I had alot of time to come up with a small list of things that somewhat annoyed me throughout the year..
Now, its not ALL things that annoyed me, just some.. not even the TOP because that would be a tad bit too personal, and i'd hurt many many feelings..
so here is a snippet of the things that annoyed me in 2008.

1. The emergence of stupid meaningless follow-the-leader-do-as-i-say dance songs after the near fatal Crank That era. WTF?! Dudes don't even DANCE with girls anymore, why?! Because everyone is too busy My Dougie'n, Halle Berry'n, Stanky leg'n, rack daddy'n, ricky bobby'n etc.. Its STUPID. You know what, i'm gonna record a stupid dance song.. talk about gettin free drinks at the club cuz i look good and how i dont work cuz i dont have to and my daddy gives me money and oh me and my girls are sooo fly and yeahh.. have a stupid dance to go along with it, the Beezy Bee.. stinging bitches and whatnot. Bet i'll be playin all night long at your local club or house party..

2. Getting numerous event invitations to the SAME party!!! Why are you party promoters, i mean.. flyer passer outters making 5 or so different events for the SAME party and then sending them to the SAME ppl.. And oh no, now I have like 2 or so MESSAGES that correspond to ALL of the event invites that are pointless! And i have facebook mobile sooo i get texts at 4am about that dumb shit.. so you know what i did?! i just deleted every person from my friends list that sends out unruly amounts of event invites and messages.. You're not even really AFFILIATED with the group!! All you do is pass out flyers and annoy people to get into parties free.. Wow. Get paid, then i'll respect you. UGH. ANNOYING!

3. Guys who want all the benefits of being in a relationship BUT somehow just aren't ready to commit smh. now thats just silly! If we're not official, then you can't officially BUG the hell out of me ie STalking my cell phone, creeping through my profile.. thinkin that you can just be an annoyance and get all benefits without at least sayin that we can be "more than just friends" hahaha.

4. Guys who have girlfriends that still find the need to flirt with you.. now thats just wrong. Its soo not right that you're callin me and textin all the freakin time knowing that you have a girlfriend. Gross. LoSER. ok ok, so i must admit, seems that all the good guys are attached already any how.. smh

5. People asking me stupid questions via text, email, message, note, etc... You know thats my BIGGEST annoyance.. Don't ask stupid questions. el fin. You know the, What do you like to do for fun- describe yourself- questions of the "initial" hook up. Or the one worded texts like "sup" "hey" "yo".. that are followed by the typical "nothing chillen" response which should end the conversation but of course they want to draw out the conversation to make it longer.. If you have nothing to say, don't text me.. If you're bored.. Please just state it initially.. Like Hey i'm bored, help!!

6. People who continue to call you back to back after you have ignored there first five failed attempts at communication. Look. Chances are I'm SLEEP or not in the mood to talk.. I sleep all day.. I'll text or call back when I'm up and normal.. Don't think i'm being rude or something, I'm just tired. And then they become extra sensitive leaving vmails & texts askin why you're ignoring them.. SMH.. and my cell is usually on vibrate or silent so I don't hear that ish.. I don't even like having a phone while i'm home.. people are bug-a-boos these days. Call once, leave voicemail/text.. keep it moving.

7. Facebook or general Internet gangsters.. Why argue through a computer screen, then once you see each other.. umm silence. Its retarded. Yall are retarded. Grow up.

8. FAKENESS.

9. College guys who think they are goons or thugs. Dude, you're in college. You are soo not hood. smh

10. ME.

Hell, seems like everybody under the sun annoyed the hell out of me.. I know I annoyed myself. hehe :)


** more to come..

- Bee.

Shameful Sobriety

The last time I had a drink? I think the day after Christmas.. The last time I got drunk? Oh my.. That would have to be the night of the "shenanigans" that took place a week prior to the holiday.. Why have I chosen to be sober? I actually didn't choose to be anything. It just kind of happened. I hate making resolutions because it is so silly to me. You're bound to break them.

Never have I ever kept a resolution. SMH. Shameful. But so true. No need for a diet. No need for the quit smoking, drinking partying, etc.. No need to try to better yourself just because you feel you need to. Everything has to fall in place.

If you're not ready to change, don't. Simple as that.

Now my outlook on life has changed because just when I thought I had lost all hope, I saw a sign. BIG one at that. And i'm so not religious. Sad but true. I hated when people told me to pray about my problems because it seemed that when I was trying and actually living right, nothing went MY WAY. And my prayers went unanswered. But just when I started doing the foolish things that were frowned upon by the saved and sanctified, life couldn't get any better.

It led me to wonder why an atheist could get all these "blessings" while little old me, the believer kept falling flat on my back..
But I heard a word, and it validated so much. Wasn't there when I wanted it, but of course it came on time.

I gave up alot in December. Main thing was that whole "sex" mess. You see I was the one who felt like I could be a "boy" in my actions and have a casual purely sexual relationship and everything would be good. Of course after weeks, months, of the same nonsense I finally opened my pretty little eyes to what I was inevitably doing to myself.

I'd form relationships with a man that started off physical & would slowly but surely lead to something more mentally stimulating.. And things would be great. Then it would all come crashing down. Mainly because most guys only put up with my crazy ass for so long because of the good sex or whatnot..

I admit that it takes a certain type of person to handle a woman like me. Indecisive, confusing, a tad bit off the rocker if you will- I have problems. lol
I can't be with a person who can not understand that I often speak metaphorically. And if the guy can not comprehend what I say or attempt to decipher my words and thought, it can not be anything more than just sex.

So no, I am not celibate; I just have not had a sexual relationship in quite some time.. Will I? Of course. I'm no nun. When? No time soon. Why?

because. I'm tired of guys being infatuated with me on a physical level.
Yes I know i'm beautiful. Ok, oddly enough you think I'm sexy. Of course you love talking to me because i'm just one "kick ass; bad ass; cool ass female..".

but then again, many do. Its only the facade you love, not the true Bee.

RECAPTIVATION

Happy New Year!!!

It's been awhile since i last wrote. Nothing really to say actually. I feel better this year than last, yet still a tad bit lonely.. But of course that should be expected.

I realized that he didn't love me anymore. Ha. Doubt if he ever did. Not that I loved him. But still, stinger. Some reason Beyonce YES is playing over and over. He expected so much yet gave little or nothing besides a few moments of pleasure. It has to be more to get my heart. Can't believe he thought that everything would be just peachy after he blatantly ignored me for months then all of a sudden when I was back in state, found the need to reach out to me.

Or there was the one who I did love, who told me that if i stayed here, we'd be together. I came here.. and stayed. Nothing prospered. I wasn't upset, just shocked. Then relieved because I was at the point in my life where I was soo close to staying just for him.

You act so progressive and FEMINIST in your thinking, yet you would be domesticated & belittled in a minute just for the admiration and acceptance of a man.
You'd forget all that you learned and protested for just for the potential of having that princess diamond cut 2.5 carat on your left hand.
All that for a man.

I think not. I rather be ringless. I rather be alone. Myself and my sanity is more important than any man. I finally can say that I am happy with it.