I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

Never settle.

And I mean this in EVERY aspect of life-- but definitely never settle in a relationship.

I settled. For years I settled for the almost & not quite guys instead of exactly what I was looking for. I'm confident in every aspect of my being UNTIL it comes to my love life.

For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for love. I've read all the books about it; Watched all the movies; Listened to all the songs. I have worked diligently for years trying to find that LOVE that young girls dream about. I planned my wedding when I was 8. I knew I'd be married at 22 & have kids by 24. I knew all of this. At 25, I don't have any of it. I have nothing.

Why? Because I settled.

One day I woke up and felt that I wasn't good enough for what I truly wanted so I just took what was placed in front of me and ran with it. Maybe that's not 100% true but i really don't feel like going into the depts of why I am this way.

I fall hard & fast. Either I love you or I don't care about you at all. This isn't healthy. It's hard for me to just be single because I was always trying to prove to myself & everyone else that I wasn't the girl that couldn't get a man. Nothing was wrong with me! I can keep a man! So I dealt with so much shit. I put up with more than most people because I was afraid of being alone. Looking around & you see everyone you went to high school with married with children and you're just like... "What about me? What did I do wrong??"

I did everything i was supposed to do in my eyes. I guess i just stayed with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

I settled. Never took a break between men. It was always #OnToTheNextOne because my girl Beyonce taught me that men were definitely not Irreplaceable and I could certainly have another one in a minute.. and he was literally there in a minute. Infidelity. Lies. Hurt. Man... I been through it all.

All for Love. All for this idea that a 25 year old single woman is an anomaly. We are damaged goods. Old news. Spoiled milk. I don't have kids but my ex has two and they aren't by me!? I'm definitely not doing it right. There is just so much going wrong with my life and I felt like I was going to drown in my own sorrows. My tears became invisible but I still wept for the children I never had.

Is this what my life has become? All of my friends are having babies now. And I've never felt more alone.

It's a very weird feeling. I'm happy for them.. but I felt horrible. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn't able to enjoy the Love that was growing inside of them for my own selfish reasons and I hated myself for it. Why can't I be in love? Why can't I be a mother? Why can't I start a family? I was a mess.

One day I decided to leave my pity party. I realized that 25 wasn't the end but merely the beginning. Everyone doesn't have to have kids so early in their 20s. Everyone doesn't have to be with a guy just because they've been together a long time and starting over at this age is a death sentence.

I am happy. I will fall in love with whomever God has chosen for me. I will have children if & when God says is right for me.

I wasted so many years trying to make something work with the wrong guy and putting up with nonsense because I was afraid to be alone but... being alone is nice. The silence is very much loud. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at times but I am ok. No more settling.

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

New Orangey & Purple: We Can't Stop Twerking

New Orangey & Purple featuring Biley Myrus


I hate when beige folk get ahold of something our community has been doing for years. They always ruin it. Ying Yang Twins made that "Whistle While You Twerk" song like 10 years ago i believe. And actually before it was called twerking it was just booty shaking. Been dancing like that all my life.

5am In Huntsville

I don't need anyone.

No man. No friends. No family.

When you go through something and realize that literally NO ONE has your back but yourself, you realize that you don't need them. Why are they around? You add no value to my life. Clearly I don't need you.

So much on my mind. I'm just over these lying ass niggas. I'm over these niggas who owe me money & refuse to pay me back. I'm over it.

I just pray to god I find a way to make it.

I already got it. I don't need you new niggas. At all.

I'm turning 25 this year. I'm excited now. Finally old enough to be honest with myself and move on. I'm happy. I just want to be able to do everything I want to do. I'm working on that. Bee is able.

Speaking things into existence:

I will be successful this year.
I will buy a car on my own within 6weeks.
I will live in my first home alone within 3months.
I will be happy.
I will lose the weight.
I will not depend on anyone financially.
I will get my ring.
I will have my daughter.
I will love.
I will live.

Baby Mamas & No Drama?

Am I ready to be a stepmother? Am I ready to love another woman's child wholeheartedly because I love the father? Can I be a positive role model in this child's life? Am I mature enough to understand that his children come first?? 

These are questions I often ask myself... Whether I like it or not, the man of my dreams may have children with another woman. It takes a lot to actually be apart of a man's life with kids. You're suddenly thrown in the role of parent and some just aren't ready for that. I question my own maturity at times. Will I truly love this child as my own and not be catty as some women are and use this child as a way to get closer to the father for my own selfish reasons? Will I be a bitch towards the mother? Will I be jealous of the child when he receives the attention from his father instead of me?? 

I guess it's easy for me to see all aspects of this situation.. Dealings with baby mamas and children from previous relationships because I am somewhat a product of that environment. I have wonderful women in my life who are not my biological mothers but I loved them as mother figures growing up. Eventually all adults began to get along with one another. Great family unit. No animosity or drama. And I even gained a great extended family that I still communicate with today. 

I feel like I am almost ready to be a stepmother. Almost because I'm not 100% sure I can be a wife just yet, but I will rock as a girlfriend. And I don't want the biological mother of my potential step kids to feel as if I'm trying to be their mother. Because I am not a parent. I am just who this particular father chooses to be with... Now. Things may change.  I have a pure heart with everything.. And pure intentions. I just want to be with the man that I love. And if he already has kids I hope to grow to love them as much as or more than I love their father simply because I love HIM. 

Of course I have my own issues. I may become jealous because he has children with women whom I assume he didn't really love yet he loves me and we have yet to create life together. But I am a 24 year old woman who is seeing her classmates and friends all get married and start families and this has convinced my biological clock to tick erratically and yea...  But that is for another post. I think I may be ready... I will never know until I try though. The things we do for love.