DIVA & HALO

New Beyoncé!!!!!

videos for halo & diva.
enjoy

blah.

what is done in the dark shall come to light.. that's what my mother always told me. which is why i don't do things that i may be embarrassed if it all got out. lol. Well, thats all i'm gonna say because, i soo could put alot of people out there.. but i'm not. I could really just blast them hoes.. but i'm not. I could write a whole book on the shit i know, but i won't. its not my place. but let them get out of line ONE time. They will have to call ONE TIME on my ass cuz trust it gets serious.

Make Over.

For the past couple of weeks I have really been thinking that it is indeed time for a change.. From the inside. I feel as if, now is the time for me to start practicing what I preach. I say so much that is good and is followed by others but I do not partake in it.. I stay in the back and do all of my WRONG while trying to tell others that they should not do as i do, but do as i SAY. I can not be who I want to be if i act in such a way that I do not want to be friends with myself. My philosophy:

Write down all the qualities that you would love to have in a partner or friend. Then write down certain things that you just CAN NOT stand for them to possess.
Now, look at that list and see which qualities that you have yourself..
Damn. Can you even be in a relationship with yourself? Probably not.

Like my number one no no is Liars. I hate them, but how often do I lie?? ALOT. So if I can't be honest how can I expect anyone else to?

So for this reason I am erasing everything from my past and starting over. Only those written in pencil will be erased though. People or things that I wrote in marker, shall remain. Figure out if you are pencil'd in or mark'd in lol :):):)

So I wrote a text to my friend mea.. Explaining my plan of course.. I'm considering the celibacy route. Just because I feel that I need to have a complete void of intimacy on every level. I am erasing everything from my life so that should be one aspect as well.

Most of my relationships end because the guy thinks that I'm crazy or bi polar.. when really its just that he does not "GET" me. He can not even begin to grasp the depth of my intellect. He does not understand that I speak metaphorically or in Iambic pentameter at times.
He does not understand that everything that comes out of my mouth is not just word vomit, its actually how I feel.
He does not understand Me.

Its not his fault. Our mental levels just are not compatible. I need a mental connect first.

Last night, while driving down 610, I became really sad.. Kind of the way my heart feels now. Very heavy. And I asked myself, why are you not happy? What would make you happy? I looked around and I saw that I have nothing to show for 20 years of life.

I have given so much to others but nobody has ever given me anything. I always get the "short end of the stick". I never get out what I put in and I put in soooo much. I put my heart into it.. and I don't get anything back that matters.

I don't know why though.. They tell me so much and it all turns out to be completely false.

I am lonely. I am empty. I have no reason to be happy. This is not how my life should me.

I have changed my appearance. I cut my hair. I have dressed completely down. I have tried to be as pedestrian as they come. Only because I felt that erasing my outter would somehow affect my inner self. It didn't work. I was happier before when I was just that girl..

I can't be that girl anymore though. I have to be a woman. I have to show my growth. I need to healed. I need to be loved. I need so much. I need happiness. I can not help it though.


I need my solace and my peace of mind. I need to be in my own zone. I do not have the time or energy to not be ME.


peace.

Changes

Where to begin?! So much has been going on.. maybe I should just start with the most recent.. catch up time shall be later. So i have started on the yearly evaluation of people in my life.. Yes, I evaluate the PEOPLE in my life.. It really gets serious. So serious. I feel as if you don't add to or improve my life then why bother? If I can honestly see how my life would be better or pretty much un-changed without you in it then.. why waste my time and energy?! Its nothing petty and it's definitely no animosity between me and those persons who have been removed. It's just LIFE. It is too short to be bothered with nonsense or with people who only find happiness in making others feel sad. I like to have fun. I am a tad bit messy at times.. but I am never hurtful. I never harm others. I rather help you than hate you.

It kind of sucks because some people are awesome friends.. until the OTHER aspects show up. Like how they conduct themselves in public. If I want to be THIS, you doing THAT is not helping. Yes I know i'm nowhere near perfect but I just don't feel that this individual adds substance to my life.

So I finally gave that guy a piece of my mind. Thats another blog all together. I'll write it separately..

oh yeah, the top 10 annoyances coming soon :)

monotonous routine.

i leave for texas today. well later on today. i want to take quiznos on the bus with me.. along with some more snacks. 19hrs is crazy, but we'll manage. Ugh. Should've just got the damn plane ticket.. Anywho, i'm so tired of this. I just need a break. I don't want to do anything else in this crazy world but be a writer. i mean, there is no need for a fall back plan. There is no other options but to do this.. if this doesn't work then what will?? I mean, I'm content with not having alot of MONEY. Money does not rule me. Satisfaction is the key to forever, along with sobriety and blissfulness. I can only do so much.. I just want to be happy. This is making me happy. Why not do it for a living. I don't need much, just this right here.. umm yeah.

sucky this has happened. he hasn't called yet. he deleted me from his friends list. i guess he was serious. ha. fuck him. that is all i have to say. its sad, true enough but i mean he thinks im usch a psychotic bitch and whatnot.. i can so do better. everyone wants the same thing.. im different. they ccant handle the different type of female. the one who knows what she wants and just keeps it moving.. love? fuck it. i love me, thats all that really matters.

Put in Werk.

I give so much. Doesn't really seem to be worth it anymore. I finally have realized what I want to do. Be a freelance writer. That will be my occupation. That is it. Nothing more, nothing less. :)

Home in less than a week. Put in werk.
Single for the holidays. Put in werk.
No time for nonsense. Put in werk.


I kinda wish I could be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so in love it makes him drop to his knees.. (Ashanti- First album; bka the Classic)
I have a hankering for some pasta. That is all. Bye.

T.O.N.Y

A few months ago this song was blasting from my speakers 24/7. Solange. You go girl.


isn't her son adorable?!

i really think that i could have been in love by now if it wasn't for the other night, smh.
you better sing them words.
please google the lyrics.
listen. repeat. listen. discuss.

the bumbled bee.

It has come to my attention that I never really SAY exactly what I want to say. I always talk around it or try to re-vamp it to make it seem a tad bit more poetic.. I hate when people ask me to describe myself.. I tell them to read my blogs because I don't know what to say.. "just can't seem to find the words.."

One day, I will write a novel. About what, that's the problem. I'm going to write for Essence. Or Vibe. Seventeen. Who knows? That is my ULTIMATE goal. That is all I want to do. I think.

I somewhat want to go to law school.. but I'm a procrastinator.. by heart.
So that may not be the RIGHT path to take.

I write how I think. Rarely check for spelling or grammatical errors. Ignore the standards of English language writing. If it comes out completely juvenile and uneducated, thats how its supposed to be, i suppose. Maybe its just my way of swaying away from being pedestrian.

This is the third blog of the night.. Well morning. Some random lady left me a comment.. I like random people. Its nice to know that other people besides your friends read what you right. She said that love should not be twenty minute intervals, or something to that effect. True.

My musical taste is as random as I. I am a sucker for great vocalists & performers. Mariah & Whitney were ALWAYS a fave.. But of course music was so much better late 80s-90s era. I LOVE Prince. He=AWESOME. Even one of his more current songs.. "I just can't stop writing songs about ya.. I love you so much." If you haven't noticed, love songs TICKLE'd the fancy :) I got absorbed in this rock era music... I have no idea why. Simplicity is always better. No need for any difficult riffs & runs or a overly produced track. Just a little Queen, and I'm good. "BICYCLE".. have you heard it?? so vividly bland. LOVE it. Of course, the Beatles. AWESOME. Who can deny that. David Essex.. that one song though, Rock On. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_mzadEFuP4
lol.
Michael Jackson.. you must admit he is a musical genius. Erykah Badu. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is the BEST album. :)
Okay, so i love Beyonce. Duh. I'm still a sucker for Britney Spears. *Nsynce. BSB.. I was soo a "teeny bopper" hahaha. Rihanna is a style inspiration. Who knew a hair cut could be so.. idk. Now the chick eXTRA famous, can barely hold two notes together. Her high notes consist of singing thru her nose, lol.

So thats about all I can say for now. Still sipping Dr Pepper :)

Adios.

Stupid little girl..

Curled up underneath cold white bed linens...
By Myself. Story of my life. Lonely.
My phone vibrates. I check it. Its not him.
Again, vibration. Could it be him? No.
Fuck it. I'll text him... Will he text me back?
Who knows. He says i'm bi-polar.. Maybe.
He thinks i'm crazy. Psychotic. Strange. Weird.
Me thinks i'm crazy. Psychotic. Strange. Weird.
Trainwreck in the morning. Afternoon? BITCH.
Alas! He texts: Want me to come over?
Duh, I respond. "I'm outside". Damn thats fast.
Cuddled up with him beneath the stars. I like.
Twenty Minutes later he's gone again.
I lay alone in my bed. Depressed. Hurt.
So sad. Lonely. Why me I ask? Again?
Collapsed to the ground. I whimper. Cry. Weep.
Twenty Minutes later he texts once more.
"How do you feel?" he asks.. Can't find the words.
What do you mean? Pause. Wait. No response. Damn.
Stupid little girl. Stupid little girl.


-- I wrote this because.. Every now and then I feel like a stupid little girl. All week I've been screaming out loud.. I don't wanna be without you babe/ I don't want a broken heart.. Listening to Beyonce had me feeling like I had this ego and i was a diva.. but still i'm just a stupid little girl. NO DIVA. Ain't got a big EGO at all. So insecure. So stupid. I know I am smarter than that. Now I should be wiser. Oh well. At least it makes for good writing. No more tears. I think I cried my last tear.

Borderline Bi-Polar

Sometimes i really think that its not worth it.. To be stuck in this box. I want to be free. Ugh.

Sometimes I don't know why me and him just can't both stop being so stubborn and just BE "we"..

I never really asked for much, but I think that this is something that I should have to myself..

He said we would never be together.. but I can't let myself believe that. I have dedicated too much time and energy into this. It has to be more than meets the eye.

He said that he'd never go out with me.. because of THAT. Because I act on impulse and intense emotions.

I can't help it.. I swear.

He said that I am Bi-polar.. maybe I am. IDK..

Maybe just bi polar over him.

I can't help how i react to things. I just like how we are together. I never was comfortable in the arms of others.. Until him.

Never did I actually think that I could focus on being in a real relationship, until HIM.

I swear I'm not crazy.. I hope not..

He just has something that I like..

We're not friends.. we can't be friends. Wish we were friends.

I blame myself. typical brittney.

too strange. too weird. too.. abnormal. too much.