I have to let you go..

I know I should let you go. but i cant. i really tried to but i didnt succeed.
I want to believe that if i stay around things will eventually be in my favor. I want to believe that everything that I have to say will matter to you. I want to believe that I could be with you. but I know thats not possible.

I have to wake up. I have to be smart. I have to let you go. I've tried for months. Still not successful.

I just wanted to kiss you. I just wanted to hug you. I just wanted to breathe in the same air as you breathe and see my reflection in your eyes. I just wanted to be in your arms all night. i just wanted for you to be what I wanted you to be. WITH me.

but thats not possible. I have to grow up. Just be a friend i suppose.

Hmmmmm...

i can never say how i really feel about certain people.
its been that way for years now.. I can't help it.

different guy, same outcome.
the blueprints hardly ever change.
it will always be this way.
he will always be that guy who started out as a friend..
but now i like way more than a friend..
but we cant be anything more than just friends..

and i hate that i let the friend boundaries get blurred
and i hate that i still care about this dumb shit.

i really dont know what i was thinking.
i always do this.
same story, different guy.

not really same story.. but always different guy.
same situation, different babe.

i call you my love, because i care so much.. not love you. i just like you alot..
and i wish that one day i could love you.

oh fuck it.

it has to be lust.
i dont think you like me, like me like Lila & Arnold lol
i just think you like my body.
and the things i say.
sometimes..
i still dont think you "like" me though.
ughh aww poor bee..

i know they're all saying that-
"she's always single"

yeah thats true to .

"she'll never find a man"

yupp probably wont.

oh well.

where's my tequila? lets beat the sobriety outta thus sullen mess.

Legal.

Im 21. Actually it doesn't feel that grand. Maybe because I haven't really celebrated it.. Im sober. I can't believe certain people umm "forgot" but we'll deal with them another time. Like I was so excited for their birthdays but when my special day comes you can't even send a text?? Not ONE text? NOTHING? Did you really forget?? Im kind of happy this happened.. At least my real friends didn't forget. Im sooo over these losers. Im done with the rants..

I just know who is in my corner with me. I like it this way..

All the times you called me crying about bullshit and I sat there and listened for hours-- and you can't even call or text to say TWO words. Happy Birthday. Happy Bday.. NOTHING..

lol. soo typical.

im over it.


you'll need me soon. im not dealing with you anymore. my brother was right. should have listened. over it..

peacee.

Dear You..

I like him. He has a girlfriend [still!].

He likes me I suppose but Im sure he loves her. You can't compete with that L word.

I mean, I get mad when he does things like he is "my man" until I realize that he is NOT my man and I should back the fuck up.

I cant help it though. I like him. I speak my mind. I really like him.
Im writing this for him of course.. I wish they'd just break up already. I dont know if he'd be with me though... I would have cut a chick like me by now.. lol

I liked him before I reallly liked him. lol.. he read/reads my blogs. How cute. Nobody reads this shit but me. He listens to my crazy ramblings.. Oh well..

Maybe it should have just stayed in the friend lane..

Im sure it should have just stayed in the friend lane.. but we crossed it and now i must deal with the consequences..

Let it be known that I was crushing on him wayyyy before we crossed those lines. Woohoo just complicated things..

but this is for you. I hope you enjoy it. I like you alot.. That wont stop even if you do piss me off from time to time.

Birthday sex

I've never had sex on my birthday.. and I dont have any desire to either.. Im like this, Even tho the song just kinda came out, birthday sex will never replace a gift.. thats just for all you cheap pervs.. umm i can sex anyday.. jst bc its my bday doesn't make it any more special.. unlesss im gettin paid and that makes it prostitution soo no go.

Im not picky. I'll take any gift. Im gracious for all that give me something become you dont have to.. A card is sufficient.

But dont try to give me sex. Are you gonna do something different during sex or something?? cuz ive pretty much had all of the great things done to me. nothing you can do that'll blow my mind.

sex isn't something new to me i jsut experienced last night.

boys boys boys

I haven't wrote in weeks i guess. Lets get it in. Ahem-

Soo I've realized that I have a type that I always attract. The ex football player whose now a business major or wants to be a sports agent/sports writer/sports therapist whatever.. a coach or something involved with athletics.. like a trainer. lol.. OR he is the rapper/producer/singer who thinks that I can sing.. cuz i "look" like i can sing & they want me on a track.. umm sure..

Or he's just plain crazy. emotionally unstable. like they look to me for a counselor.. i can't help you emotionally baby smh


thats all i have to say. i have horrible taste in men.. g'night.