DIVA & HALO

New Beyoncé!!!!!

videos for halo & diva.
enjoy

blah.

what is done in the dark shall come to light.. that's what my mother always told me. which is why i don't do things that i may be embarrassed if it all got out. lol. Well, thats all i'm gonna say because, i soo could put alot of people out there.. but i'm not. I could really just blast them hoes.. but i'm not. I could write a whole book on the shit i know, but i won't. its not my place. but let them get out of line ONE time. They will have to call ONE TIME on my ass cuz trust it gets serious.

Make Over.

For the past couple of weeks I have really been thinking that it is indeed time for a change.. From the inside. I feel as if, now is the time for me to start practicing what I preach. I say so much that is good and is followed by others but I do not partake in it.. I stay in the back and do all of my WRONG while trying to tell others that they should not do as i do, but do as i SAY. I can not be who I want to be if i act in such a way that I do not want to be friends with myself. My philosophy:

Write down all the qualities that you would love to have in a partner or friend. Then write down certain things that you just CAN NOT stand for them to possess.
Now, look at that list and see which qualities that you have yourself..
Damn. Can you even be in a relationship with yourself? Probably not.

Like my number one no no is Liars. I hate them, but how often do I lie?? ALOT. So if I can't be honest how can I expect anyone else to?

So for this reason I am erasing everything from my past and starting over. Only those written in pencil will be erased though. People or things that I wrote in marker, shall remain. Figure out if you are pencil'd in or mark'd in lol :):):)

So I wrote a text to my friend mea.. Explaining my plan of course.. I'm considering the celibacy route. Just because I feel that I need to have a complete void of intimacy on every level. I am erasing everything from my life so that should be one aspect as well.

Most of my relationships end because the guy thinks that I'm crazy or bi polar.. when really its just that he does not "GET" me. He can not even begin to grasp the depth of my intellect. He does not understand that I speak metaphorically or in Iambic pentameter at times.
He does not understand that everything that comes out of my mouth is not just word vomit, its actually how I feel.
He does not understand Me.

Its not his fault. Our mental levels just are not compatible. I need a mental connect first.

Last night, while driving down 610, I became really sad.. Kind of the way my heart feels now. Very heavy. And I asked myself, why are you not happy? What would make you happy? I looked around and I saw that I have nothing to show for 20 years of life.

I have given so much to others but nobody has ever given me anything. I always get the "short end of the stick". I never get out what I put in and I put in soooo much. I put my heart into it.. and I don't get anything back that matters.

I don't know why though.. They tell me so much and it all turns out to be completely false.

I am lonely. I am empty. I have no reason to be happy. This is not how my life should me.

I have changed my appearance. I cut my hair. I have dressed completely down. I have tried to be as pedestrian as they come. Only because I felt that erasing my outter would somehow affect my inner self. It didn't work. I was happier before when I was just that girl..

I can't be that girl anymore though. I have to be a woman. I have to show my growth. I need to healed. I need to be loved. I need so much. I need happiness. I can not help it though.


I need my solace and my peace of mind. I need to be in my own zone. I do not have the time or energy to not be ME.


peace.

Changes

Where to begin?! So much has been going on.. maybe I should just start with the most recent.. catch up time shall be later. So i have started on the yearly evaluation of people in my life.. Yes, I evaluate the PEOPLE in my life.. It really gets serious. So serious. I feel as if you don't add to or improve my life then why bother? If I can honestly see how my life would be better or pretty much un-changed without you in it then.. why waste my time and energy?! Its nothing petty and it's definitely no animosity between me and those persons who have been removed. It's just LIFE. It is too short to be bothered with nonsense or with people who only find happiness in making others feel sad. I like to have fun. I am a tad bit messy at times.. but I am never hurtful. I never harm others. I rather help you than hate you.

It kind of sucks because some people are awesome friends.. until the OTHER aspects show up. Like how they conduct themselves in public. If I want to be THIS, you doing THAT is not helping. Yes I know i'm nowhere near perfect but I just don't feel that this individual adds substance to my life.

So I finally gave that guy a piece of my mind. Thats another blog all together. I'll write it separately..

oh yeah, the top 10 annoyances coming soon :)

monotonous routine.

i leave for texas today. well later on today. i want to take quiznos on the bus with me.. along with some more snacks. 19hrs is crazy, but we'll manage. Ugh. Should've just got the damn plane ticket.. Anywho, i'm so tired of this. I just need a break. I don't want to do anything else in this crazy world but be a writer. i mean, there is no need for a fall back plan. There is no other options but to do this.. if this doesn't work then what will?? I mean, I'm content with not having alot of MONEY. Money does not rule me. Satisfaction is the key to forever, along with sobriety and blissfulness. I can only do so much.. I just want to be happy. This is making me happy. Why not do it for a living. I don't need much, just this right here.. umm yeah.

sucky this has happened. he hasn't called yet. he deleted me from his friends list. i guess he was serious. ha. fuck him. that is all i have to say. its sad, true enough but i mean he thinks im usch a psychotic bitch and whatnot.. i can so do better. everyone wants the same thing.. im different. they ccant handle the different type of female. the one who knows what she wants and just keeps it moving.. love? fuck it. i love me, thats all that really matters.

Put in Werk.

I give so much. Doesn't really seem to be worth it anymore. I finally have realized what I want to do. Be a freelance writer. That will be my occupation. That is it. Nothing more, nothing less. :)

Home in less than a week. Put in werk.
Single for the holidays. Put in werk.
No time for nonsense. Put in werk.


I kinda wish I could be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so in love it makes him drop to his knees.. (Ashanti- First album; bka the Classic)
I have a hankering for some pasta. That is all. Bye.

T.O.N.Y

A few months ago this song was blasting from my speakers 24/7. Solange. You go girl.


isn't her son adorable?!

i really think that i could have been in love by now if it wasn't for the other night, smh.
you better sing them words.
please google the lyrics.
listen. repeat. listen. discuss.

the bumbled bee.

It has come to my attention that I never really SAY exactly what I want to say. I always talk around it or try to re-vamp it to make it seem a tad bit more poetic.. I hate when people ask me to describe myself.. I tell them to read my blogs because I don't know what to say.. "just can't seem to find the words.."

One day, I will write a novel. About what, that's the problem. I'm going to write for Essence. Or Vibe. Seventeen. Who knows? That is my ULTIMATE goal. That is all I want to do. I think.

I somewhat want to go to law school.. but I'm a procrastinator.. by heart.
So that may not be the RIGHT path to take.

I write how I think. Rarely check for spelling or grammatical errors. Ignore the standards of English language writing. If it comes out completely juvenile and uneducated, thats how its supposed to be, i suppose. Maybe its just my way of swaying away from being pedestrian.

This is the third blog of the night.. Well morning. Some random lady left me a comment.. I like random people. Its nice to know that other people besides your friends read what you right. She said that love should not be twenty minute intervals, or something to that effect. True.

My musical taste is as random as I. I am a sucker for great vocalists & performers. Mariah & Whitney were ALWAYS a fave.. But of course music was so much better late 80s-90s era. I LOVE Prince. He=AWESOME. Even one of his more current songs.. "I just can't stop writing songs about ya.. I love you so much." If you haven't noticed, love songs TICKLE'd the fancy :) I got absorbed in this rock era music... I have no idea why. Simplicity is always better. No need for any difficult riffs & runs or a overly produced track. Just a little Queen, and I'm good. "BICYCLE".. have you heard it?? so vividly bland. LOVE it. Of course, the Beatles. AWESOME. Who can deny that. David Essex.. that one song though, Rock On. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_mzadEFuP4
lol.
Michael Jackson.. you must admit he is a musical genius. Erykah Badu. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is the BEST album. :)
Okay, so i love Beyonce. Duh. I'm still a sucker for Britney Spears. *Nsynce. BSB.. I was soo a "teeny bopper" hahaha. Rihanna is a style inspiration. Who knew a hair cut could be so.. idk. Now the chick eXTRA famous, can barely hold two notes together. Her high notes consist of singing thru her nose, lol.

So thats about all I can say for now. Still sipping Dr Pepper :)

Adios.

Stupid little girl..

Curled up underneath cold white bed linens...
By Myself. Story of my life. Lonely.
My phone vibrates. I check it. Its not him.
Again, vibration. Could it be him? No.
Fuck it. I'll text him... Will he text me back?
Who knows. He says i'm bi-polar.. Maybe.
He thinks i'm crazy. Psychotic. Strange. Weird.
Me thinks i'm crazy. Psychotic. Strange. Weird.
Trainwreck in the morning. Afternoon? BITCH.
Alas! He texts: Want me to come over?
Duh, I respond. "I'm outside". Damn thats fast.
Cuddled up with him beneath the stars. I like.
Twenty Minutes later he's gone again.
I lay alone in my bed. Depressed. Hurt.
So sad. Lonely. Why me I ask? Again?
Collapsed to the ground. I whimper. Cry. Weep.
Twenty Minutes later he texts once more.
"How do you feel?" he asks.. Can't find the words.
What do you mean? Pause. Wait. No response. Damn.
Stupid little girl. Stupid little girl.


-- I wrote this because.. Every now and then I feel like a stupid little girl. All week I've been screaming out loud.. I don't wanna be without you babe/ I don't want a broken heart.. Listening to Beyonce had me feeling like I had this ego and i was a diva.. but still i'm just a stupid little girl. NO DIVA. Ain't got a big EGO at all. So insecure. So stupid. I know I am smarter than that. Now I should be wiser. Oh well. At least it makes for good writing. No more tears. I think I cried my last tear.

Borderline Bi-Polar

Sometimes i really think that its not worth it.. To be stuck in this box. I want to be free. Ugh.

Sometimes I don't know why me and him just can't both stop being so stubborn and just BE "we"..

I never really asked for much, but I think that this is something that I should have to myself..

He said we would never be together.. but I can't let myself believe that. I have dedicated too much time and energy into this. It has to be more than meets the eye.

He said that he'd never go out with me.. because of THAT. Because I act on impulse and intense emotions.

I can't help it.. I swear.

He said that I am Bi-polar.. maybe I am. IDK..

Maybe just bi polar over him.

I can't help how i react to things. I just like how we are together. I never was comfortable in the arms of others.. Until him.

Never did I actually think that I could focus on being in a real relationship, until HIM.

I swear I'm not crazy.. I hope not..

He just has something that I like..

We're not friends.. we can't be friends. Wish we were friends.

I blame myself. typical brittney.

too strange. too weird. too.. abnormal. too much.

Thankful & Giving

Let us not forget what this day truly mean... No i'm not talking about how the White man came and stole land from our true "forefathers" lol.. :)

But lets me thankful for the things that we have been blessed with; worked hard for, and may possibly be receiving in the future and lets give all that we can to those less fortunate than we are :)

Anywho,
thanks for ALL who have gotten some sort of insight, laughs, entertainment, advice etc from my blog. I am eternally thankful for the feedback, and just the views.. I'm thankful to the constitution and bill of rights.. I HEART freedom of speech & expression :) :) :)

So everyone has seen this change in me this thanksgiving break. Ok, not everyone but you know the fam & friend unit. Say I have lost weight.. funny. K said that too before I left. Said my butt got smaller.. Thanks; i guess.. I don't need your colorful commentary though.. My cousin says I am more confident or at least seem that way.. hmm. Never thought I was ever self-conscious. Ok ok, true..

I got my eyebrows done favorite. I slept through Thanksgiving.. Yes. Blame the sticky.

AND I am so upset at all the formers trying to contact me. Hahaha.. You guys amuse me.

BROKEN-HEARTED GIRL By Beyonce.. MY FAVORITE of the day. Listen to the lyrics..

You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I love to not forgive
And though you break my heart
You're the only one

And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can't erase
the times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
its pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

The Story of my life right now.. Hahaha. Or maybe just a trip down that ol' beaten path that I shall never do again..

anywho, back to lalala land.

peacee.

such a nice guy..

So me. I am such a bitch. Why? I know exactly why they come around. I know exactly why they choose to communicate with me. Its that DARN profile picture. The infamous ass is what they love. They heard the rumors so they want to see what I am ALL about. Haha, he's still here....

Whew. Now he's gone, just left.. its like 6:33am..

They see this image of someone who may just be that hung up on the outter that she completely will do what you think or want her to do. I did it to prove a point. Please go RUN tell that small bit of information. I am not a dumb girl. Of course you may think that I am such an easy one to get but the reality of the situation is, I'm not. I am a very open minded and sexual person.. Which in no way is synonymous with promiscuity. When will be able to open our minds to what is real and what's not. People are so simple minded. I will be the first to let you know that I like sex. I really enjoy it. Will I have a one night stand- haven't had one yet, but I doubt it.. 99% chance that I won't.. Will I have sex with a random guy.. NO. Will I have sex with you just because you're cute?? Ha.. NO. But there are persons who I was not romantically involved with that I had sex with. We were really good friends. Most still are friends of mine. But of course its the ones that you DON'T give the vajayjay to who are umm kind of UPSET. Thats what the rumors come from, the guys who do NOT get it. They are the only ones who are upset. So yeah.. He was such a nice guy.. Thinking that just because he complimented me on my ass meant that he would get it. Ha. NO. I find it very funny that he thought that me saying that NOTHING would happen wouldn't transcend into just that, nothing. So he left here, unpleased. In a huff. Mad. Ha. Thats life. Called me a little girl. I get it. You thought I would just be another quick and easy. So the opposite. If you really wanted to get Me, should not have said those things that painted the perfect picture of how all you wanted was sex. Damn. Anywho, this concludes my rambling. Hope he reads this.

Ha, he just text'd me.. Its 6:40am

He said I'm a bogus motherfucka. Very bogus Am I. Umm some comedian Pierre hit me up on myspace (yes, i still have myspace.. LOVES it).. Invited me to a comedy show of his.. Every Tuesday at Flambeaux. I'm going to remember that. Maybe i'll go. Peacee.

No Matter What People Say..

My name has been the main topic for years, so i'm used to people talking about me. I think its kind of refreshing.. Ok, not really.. But I do feel as if i am somewhat a celebrity.. In my mind at least.

but anywho, the only thing I feel like I should protect is my integrity. If its not true, I feel the sudden urge to you know blast the naysayers (is that right?) lol I mean if you're gonna say something, at least make sure its the TRUTH.

Why should I have to justify anything that I have done? Why should I have to go through the long list of "rumors" and check true or false or correct when the information is slighty misconstruyed??

If anyone knows the truth, it should be me. Hell, I have no problem letting YOU know whats really going on, but of course we live in an age where women are still grouped in a category of being "loose" just because we choose to do what we want. One, I'm not a virgin. Whew. Two, if I have sex with Mike, Joey, and Eric thats totally MY business. Haha.

And is it against the law to be close friends with guys?? There are many guys who i've spent the night with and nothing happened. No kissing or anything.. Hmmm..
But its just being in a small environment people LOVE to run there mouths and speak on things they know nothing of. I hope none of these GUYS are the ones who are saying this.. Probably so. Oh well.

All in all, I still don't think that anyone has the right to call anyone else something other than there name.. Judge me all you want. clearly I could care LESS. If only you knew the TRUTH; that would make an AWESOME novel.. but of course you don't. So all I can say is keep talking.. be it true, completely false or somewhat true..

So listen to Can't Hold Us Down by Christina Aguilera, you'd appreciate it. Or No Matter What People say by Lil' Kim..

GIRL POWER. haha.

fuck the double standard..

I Am... Sasha Fierce!

so anyone who knows me should know that my favorite CELEBRITY/SINGER of all time is the one and only Beyonce Giselle Knowles..Yes its safe to say that I AM obsessed. I know its sickening but I ONLY buy Beyonce Albums, everyone else i merely listen to on imeem, youtube or download for FREE. haha, just because i LOVE Bey~

anywho

so i'm listening to the songs now.. and this is my personal review...

so i'm totally torn.. can't decide on the side i prefer..well my faves are of courseIf i were a boy, Halo, Disappear, Single Ladies, Diva, Video Phone, Hello etc..oh snap, how could i have overlooked Ave Maria, EGO, Broken-Hearted Girl,

Video Phone is a bit sexual.. like really Bey, you want him to film you?? FREAK.

and Ego is a bit Risque.. too much, too big, can back it up?? haha you crazy Bey..

Diva is typical Bey..loves it.

I Am..

01. If I Were A Boy 4:10

02. Halo 4:21

03. Disappear 4:28

04. Broken-Hearted Girl 4:38

05. Ave Maria 3:41

06. Smash Into You 4:31

07. Satellites 3:08

08. That's Why You're Beautiful 3:41

Sasha Fierce

01. Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) 3:13

02. Radio 3:38

03. Diva 3:20

04. Sweet Dreams 3:28

05. Video Phone 3:35

06. Hello 4:16

07. Ego 3:56

08. Scared Of Lonely 3:42

BUY IT :) :) :)


UPDATE:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!So the more i listen to the cd the more i realize that artistically speaking, this is classic..

I mean, I think this is Dangerously In Love type good.. Beyonce has stepped out of the typical and stereotypical R&B/Hip Hop-ish feel and created songs that has crossed the genre lines. Everyone song is filled with so much emotion that even if you haven't experienced what the lyrics refer to, you still feel what the words..

If I was the Source magazine, i would undoubtedly given Beyonce 5 mics.. but since she isn't a rapper, though tracks like Diva would beg to differ, she deserves five mics :).

If you haven't gotten I am.. Sasha Fierce, get get get it...

A Midsemester Night's Dream..

i think that she is lonely..do you wanna know why?

well, its a little past midnight on a saturday night and she is alone.but this is the norm..
she'll always be alone on a saturday night..
but not because there isn't anyone who'd like to spend time with her or keep her company when boredom overwhelms her..
she just prefers to be lonely. its better that way..
she won't have to be bothered with the awkward banter between herselfand that random guy who obviously only has one thing on his mind..
she won't have to sit and be disgusted across the table from that overtlygross guy who has stared at her cleavage the whole night just for a free meal.
she won't have to exchange witty commentary with that super cool dude whom she feels extremely uncomfortable around because he only knows her thru fbook.
she won't have to worry about her appearance or what that new old guy thinksof her because he prefers his ladies to have a head full of newly purchased hair.

She can just be herself, with herself.
No strings. No worries.

shell always be a little bit lonely but its okay..
its better that way.
who wants to impress others when they've already thoroughly impressed themselves.

she can only be in the company of another who has already accepted her for HER, flaws and all.
someone who understands her..
someone who can read between the lines because she doesn't come out and says exactly what she wants..
but still he knows exactly what she means.
why bother with the not quite rights or he's cute but not my types..
or the well he makes me laugh and the sex is amazing but...

ha.
no need to explain why.
he just simply is.
until then..
she'll just be um,

lonely :)

Oxy & the Moron

oxymoron [oksi‐mor‐on] (plural ‐mora), a figure of speech that combines two usually contradictory terms in a compressed paradox, as in the word bittersweet or the phrase living death.
everyone's dying to stand out yet conformity is inevitable.
funny how nobody wants to be an outcast, they're all wanting to just fit in.

life is a contradiction?
we're either spending too much time trying to fit into this mold of how society says we should be OR trying to desperately break out of that SAME mold to prove we are all individuals.
WE ARE EQUAL.. but we think we are different.
We are not the same; yet we are?

life is confusing?

i am a woman. i am a man. i am a boy. i am a girl. i am male. i am female.so we are different?
i am human. you are human. they are human. we are human.yet we are just alike?
we part our hair in the middle; sameness! my part is to the right, hers is to the left; individualist :)
"I am unlike any man you have ever met.." says a guy, to which I eagerly respond:
"Surprisingly, every man I have met has told me the exact same line- so you are the same"
Think.Before.You.Speak.

I understand we are different. Lil Wayne says "WE ARE NOT THE SAME-- I AM A MARTIAN" trying to prove this theory.. But I'm a martian too! So he lied...
49% of you are dying to fit in..49% of you are trying to stand out..2% of you are too young to know or too old to care.

remember how Oxy went and got J's for school so every Moron followed in his footsteps?? remember when Moron wanted to be cool & upgraded to Vans so Oxy and the gang followed suit, because you know Vans were "cool".

Oxy had loooong hair, Moron didn't. Moron got extensions, she has long hair too. Oxy was tired of her long hair, cut it short. They called her Rihanna; she was trying to be different though.
Throwback/Old Skool/Retro~ that doesn't equal different; just repetitive or recycled.the New Retro??

think.

EQUAL (1): of the same measure, quantity, amount, or number as another (2): identical in mathematical value or logical denotation : equivalent b: like in quality, nature, or status c: like for each member of a group, class, or society synonyms: same

DIFFERENT1: partly or totally unlike in nature, form, or quality : dissimilar 2: not the same: as a: distinct b: various c: another3: unusual , special

I'm trying to be different, yet I'm dying to fit in.

OUR PRESIDENT, BARACK OBAMA

OBAMA!!!!!!!!!
We DID IT!!
The FIRST African American President, The FIRST Black President.. The FIRST President who resembles ME; The 44th President, Barack Hussein Obama!
Many people doubted him, including myself. We said that America was not ready for a Black President.. We said that WHITES would not elect a black president.. We even said that Black people themselves would not even vote, let alone vote for a black man to become president. Now we see that the impossible can happen. Anything is possible. When they tell us that we can be anything, we can look at them and believe that what they are telling us is true. The DREAM has officially come full circle.

Unfortunately some caucasians or non blacks are upset right about now and are threatening to move to Canada. That's sad. It's understandable.. You would want a president who is just going to continue to downward spiral of doom that the Bush administration has put us in. This is the time where our country should come together as a whole; To finally sit back and evaluate just how rascist and prejudiced we still are as a society. The reckless accusations that he is only half white therefor should not even be considered the first BLACK president is just bull because I know, we know, and you know that Caucasians would not look at him and see a White man. He is black. Remember, this is "your" own rule.. One drop of blackness, 100% blackness. His birth certificate says African American therefor He is AFRICAN AMERICAN. Also, the upset that he is supposedly a muslim?! One, he is a christian and President Obama has said this numerous times before that he is not a muslim, but worships a Christian God. Even if he was a Muslim, why would that matter? What is wrong with you idiots today who still think that we are fighting a war against Muslims? Were you asleep these last six or seven years?? I was sure that this was a war against terrorism unless George w. Bush is just as corrupt as Saddam Hussein & Osama Bin Laden. We are not killing off Muslims. Yes, I said We, We the People of the United States~ Finally I can say that and believe that I am truly apart of the U.S.A.

President Barack Obama.
November 4, 2008 is a day that shall be remembered for years and years to come. Thank God that I'm apart of History now :)

like a boy..

snip snip..
yes you heard right..
i've cut all my hair off..
chop chop..
but i mean, it was coming, did you see it coming??
i did..
i mean.. I'm trying to get it back to a healthier state.. soo yeah
its all gone..
but i kept my bangs..
sucks cuz she didn't cut it how i wanted it cut..
but I'm glad she did what she had to do..
lol
its a little reminiscent of rhianna but i'm okay with it.
everytime live your life comes on everyone looks at me..
or take a bow.
smh
but yeahh
its all gone..
feels good..
like a release..
i'm finally free :)
but yeah other than that..
life is good.
its homecoming week.. thats bout it.
peacee.

dear lie; you indeed suck.

Friends. But not the typical 'friends' like i call my girls Teri & Tonya~ or my ATL friends; Emz, Jamiere & Mea--
The type of friend in which you give wayy more than you receive. Why do I need a friend like that? That's why I don't think I want 'friends' anymore :)
Because if we're gonna be FRIENDS then we must conduct ourselves in a 'friendly manner'. Ahem, strictly friends.. and of course WE must tell each other EVERYTHING.. Because me and my friends have NO secrets :) :) :) hehehe!!!
Anywho, i'm done with that.. I still like *** and i can't wait until i get home in november so i can see him :) :) :)
ew.
ask me why Otis called me the other night~ hahaha, hilarious. Dude needs to know that I.. never mind.
Ahhhh! I made a guy freak out; i have skills.
yes.. I know. I'm finally accepting things for the way they truly are. I'm accepting that my body will not be like anyone else that I know because genetically speaking I am not meant to be a size 0-7 .. I have hips & thighs.. and butt. So these curves are somewhat hard to cover up.. I'm cool with not being typical.. Its easy for me to get back to that size though but the process isn't worth it. Someone is always gonna say, "oh well if you did THIS, then you'd be badd" WTF?! BADD?? wow.. dude i look fab regardless of my weight cuz i work it no matter what :)
AND who wants to cut out the tasty food from the diet? I like fried & fast foods.. Salads are gross. As long as I eat meat, my ass is staying.
But we're toning it up =] i shall be showing off my bod all year.
oh and my boobs are still growing. gross. if i get into a C; i'm crying..cuz big boobs & ass start to look a bit porn star ish.. and i'm already a lil chubawub soo stackishness is not gonna help the look.
tomorrow i'm cutting all my hair off.. :) i mean, its not too much more to chop off.. i've been cutting off lil bits and pieces since i came out here.. i was gonna start all over and go back natural.. but umm yeah, i realize that my hair is really thick without a relaxer soo yeah.. its coming off so i can just get it back to its naturally permed state :)
so umm any suggestions? i already have ideas.. some rhianna inspired crop but not quite.. umm i'm thinking more of a tia mowry look.. mixed with a little kelis bossy. hmmm
5:16 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

you're just a boy..

soo.. why do i only seem to attract guys who ALREADY have girls??

arghh....


like everyone who i'm attracted to has a girlfriend already..

ugh. it sucks!


Where are all the single MEN hiding?

have you heard the new Beyonce?? If i were a boy is my fave.. love it. single ladies can eat it.


midterms are this week. struggling is the key word here.. smh
this sucks.

i'mdone..

oh yea,

i like a boy.. a boy likes me.. but i rather be single.
yeah. i'm a loser.

anywho,

the jamaican has a girlfriend.. LMAO


i know right?! how did that happen?? hmm
no hard feelings though;
me and him can still be friends.. i swear.

anywho,
i'm done.

bye.

if you're easily offended.. don't click here =]

So for the past few years I have been questioning my OWN religious beliefs. I have always wondered why there were SO many different religions in the world and if "Christianity" was even the right one.. What if we're all really supposed to be worshipping the sun God or something? What if I die, and go to "heaven" and realize that dang.. this is NOT what the bible said.
I just need answers. So, as I came to Spelman I was exposed to different cultures and ideologies and philosophies so I have a chance to think for myself. I never liked going to church when I was younger. I always felt that it was weird to sit in a building and listen to a "fellow sinner" tell me how I am supposed to live my life only to find out that he was doing more wrong than I ever could. And why are there so many different types of christians?? How am I supposed to follow something in which there is not really any basis of it being TRUE other than what some white man chose to include in a book for us to read. Some sources even say that many gospels weren't included in the bible.. Hmm.. interesting.
And if God created the earth in 7 days, who created God? How did he come about? How do we know that its a He? Why aren't women playing a dominant role in the bible?
I believe that religion was created just to CONTROL people. Rulers needed a way to keep people in line and in order by telling them if they did THIS, the consequences would the THAT. Or they wanted to appear smarter than everyone else so they had to make up stories and explanations as to why certain things happened.
And if we all can agree that Africa was the birthplace of civilization, then we can also agree that the Africans were practicing there own form of religion before the Whites (ie: all non blacks, africans, conquerers from Europe) came and introduced Christianity to them. You see, it all goes back to the White Man's Burden Ideology; that it was the more civilized white's/european's job to come to Africa and help us become civilized and accept this Christian faith because the Africans didn't know any better.. They were still living primitively!
What in the world is THIS? Why should I have to believe some religion that these looney obviously power hungry europeans forced my ancestors to accept 100s of years ago??
Plus, i believe that the bible contradicts itself alot. And I don't believe that if God loved us all so much, why would he condemn all of us "non-believers" to Hell?? Shouldn't he forgive us in death once we have realized that maybe we were mistaken, maybe this was the real deal?!
And alot of christians just aren't the best people in the world. they still kill people and rape young girls and committ all of this wrong doing in the world and they think that just by asking GOD to forgive them, there forgiven?
And they are GAY which the bible is strictly against, yet still be up in the church every freaking day praising him like they are holy and saved? If you believe in this bible then you would know that your lifestyle isn't "right" according to it.
I have nothing against gay/bisexual/lesbian/transgender etc.. I have very close friends who are gay or just curious. I don't think its wrong, but the bible says it is. And if you believe in the bible, why would you still be gay? Unlike other sins, some believe that you can't help who you like or who you're attracted to so will my gay friend be banished from Heaven because they fell in love with the wrong person?
If I live my life to the best of my abilities as a non christian, and I don't do any wrong to anyone; I help those in need; I am always fair and just and never once do I steal or Kill or commit any of those major sins; I will still go to Hell because I believed in Allah and not God. Or I worshipped Buddha or the Goddess Osiris or whatever..
Of course, I know that you may want to know what my beliefs are. I am not ATHEIST because I do believe in a higher being, I just don't know if its the God that most of you believe in. So that would make me Agnostic.
I do believe that there is a purpose to my life and I am supposed to do "something" but I also believed that some aspects of my life have already been pre-determined, like my birth and death dates. I know that there would not be people and animals and all of this in the world today if there wasn't a greater purpose. And I don't believe that we will cease to exist after death. I believe in an afterlife.. maybe not Heaven, but an afterlife nonetheless.
You can try to change my philosophy all you want, it doesn't bother me. I believe what I believe. =]

hate it or love it..
we're all going to die anyways :)

vivid blandness

ugh..

so yeah today is NOT a good day.
i feel BLAH. one of THOSE days.
last night i was a typical GIRL. haha.
how i hate to admit that no matter how much of a badass i think i am and how heartless i may seem, sometimes i just wanna be NEAR him, and not only him.. SOMEONE. lol

i need to mail off my absentee voter thingy. Obama-Biden 08.
i REFUSE to vote for Palin. i mean McCain.
The MAIN focus of the McCain camp at first was to prove how UNQUALIFIED Obama was for the job of commander in chief yet he chooses a woman who is more than UNQUALIFIED & INEXPERIENCED, the lady is a complete MESS. She does not know ANYTHING about foreign policy besides knowing that Alaska is only miles away from Russia and it's near Canada. She could not even name any supreme court cases in her interview with Couric besides Roe v. Wade. How are WE supposed to vote for someone whose dumb enough to choose Palin as his running mate?? And I'm smarter than Palin!!! She could have at least said Brown v Board of Education, Plessy v Ferguson, etc.. She is a cheap attempt to try to lure Hillary backers into believing that she is an equivalent to Mrs. Clinton. Please. Palin? Why? Can't wait for the Biden-Palin debate :)

moving along,
guys suck.

blabber jabber

hmm, i feel like its time i write a note that has no significance to the world whatsoever..just a regular note that shouldn't get ANY comments or attention besides the usual random glances; a freakin boring ass note that should not spark any meaningful conversations at all..
so with that being said;

ahem..
i just took a shower.. i love hot water.. and then at the very end of my shower once i'm all so fresh and so clean, clean-- i often turn the water from scalding hot to cold and yeahh.. thats funny. i like to joke alot

i had an interesting conversation with a guy last night. asked me where have i been all semester.. "i've been right HERE". thats the story of the day.. I'm always right here, you just don't see me.. I'm trying to do this thing call blend in a fit in amongst the general public.. haha. you know the girl who wears this bright ass orange huddy yet still expects to be under the radar. ha. so not a bright idea to wanna be lowkey yet wearing the loudest colors smh.anywho, the guy also said i was cute. thanks. i like cute. makes me feel like a young pup.. a mere babe and not some overgrown ass twenty year old WHO looks like she's a fresh eighteen.

some guys think i'm funny.. and laugh at everything i say; even when i'm trying to be serious but only because when i really try to get a point across i become very passionate about it and my passionate face is plastered on, well my face and yeahh i began to say weird things, awkward things. and then he laughs. like its a joke. and i'm soo serious.and i'm an awkward turtle for real. i think everything is awkward..you know like nakedness is awkward. and just the regular umm lemme spit that la la la and then you can come and spit that la la la and we can just la la la together.. hahaha"i want to become ONE with you" by far the funniest thing i've heard this week.

umm DRY HATING was what some chick named amanda brooks accused my friend of doing. too bad i don't know who she is nor do i know what dry hating is. i guess its like moist hating after all of the moisture has evaporated.. but then shouldn't it be called evaporated hating?? hmmm.. idk but i just feel like she is a sad human being who believes that having 1000 facebook friends makes her important. I mean, its not like she's networking or anything.. and i hope she knows that random guys add girls allllll the time so its nothing to be bragging about. [shameless bragging to start in 4...3...2...1..]

i mean, right now i have 23 unanswered friend requests and i'm not bragging!!
lol

there's a picture of me and i look skinny in it.. hahaha so cool.umm yeah another awkward turtle situation.i had a conversation with an old flame about being a sperm donor.. hmmmm...
its only because i've come to the conclusion that I probably won't get married so if i do want a kid i'd have to pay a guy to skeet skeet and bang bang. okay maybe not pay, but ASK. nicely of course.but i don't want kids.. Alot of ppl don't know me so i guess i shall let it be known certain facts about myself..

i mean if you read between the lines you may be able to understand me and then possibly .. idk. it doesn't matter.i like pictures of myself because i like looking at myself.. and trying to remember what i was thinking when that picture was taken.i think my boobs are growin but heyy whose counting the cuppage??


anywho i'm done.

adios.

skeet skeet.

of course you want to know bout my night.
well i hung out with a friend in the suites and drunk juice; listened to music
you know the usual.
umm yeah, so a game of truth or dare aroused and i ended up getting chocolate syrup licked off my neck. it was umm very very random. and awkward. and weird.
but heyy, no one else wanted to do the dares soo i had to.. for the sake of the shindig.
nothing else remotely exciting happened though..
anywho,
that guy sent me a message on myspace today.
random.
why? i don't know.. but i am indeed over him.
have you forgotten my name??
its bee in case you have and i am of course vividly bland..
with or without you :)

coca-cola

my fave drink in atl? cherry coke :)

why?? its better than Mr Pibb; the alternative to Dr Pepper..

and i like cherries~

so really i should be writing this Shakespeare open response but of course i need to vent & rave;

you know i LOVE to vent & rave--

ahem,

so the other night Otis calls me *lol*

yess indeed he does.. wants to check out my myspace.. WOW.

i know lame right?? my myspace is kid tested & mother approved these days.. so of course i added him.. He actually spent all that time looking through ALL of the albums that i had viewable just to see ME. wow. umm yeah..

so you know it gets BETTER. Why this dude have the nerve to say "i know you got some ass shots.." LMAO.

Ok. I let him have it, and i shall say it AGAIN..

"women who respect themselves won't post degrading and explicit pictures of themselves in their underwear on myspace. if i want to get down like that, i might as well take them to playboy and get paid"

**FYI** I'll never pose nude.. lol

Now, I'm not downing anyone for posing nude, if its done tastefully of if that's what your GROWN behind wants to do. Its your body.. but seeing as some in his past have pics like that maybe he thinks that's ME.

NO. not BEE.

I have a 13 year old sister whose watching my every move plus my 6 year old and 5 year old cousins who idolize me.

I have to at least make SOME responsible decisions for the sake of those who look up to me.

that's ALL i have to say.

hope the public appreciates my rants..

oh yeah boys suck

Bee Days

So as you all know yesterday was my twentieth birthday, aka my BEE DAY.
ahem, sooo much better than last year :)

went to the world of coca cola.. & then benihana's where I realized that I do not like sushi.
i knew i wasn't wrong ugh..
i still HATE seafood. even shrimp.. yucky.

so yeah..
i mean, at least i tried it right??

we got into the world of Coke for FREE. ,<< my favorite word.

thats basically it..

oh yeah, so that "dude" who shall remain anonymous, had the audacity to think that I would blow off my friends to go "freak" with him.. smh
excuse YOU!!
i'll never put a dude before my girls.. EVER.
unless we're in a relationship.
he only wanted SEX.
anywho,
BESIDES ALL THAT FRIEND VS BOYS ISH..
i just can't have ANY dude try and make me do something..
lol..
not gonna happen.
i am GROWN as hell;
i am SINGLE;
and i do as i please..
if i WANNA be with this dude tonight, i will be with that dude tonight..
if i wanna be with my girls, i'm chillin with them..
and if i just want to be a bitch and be by myself for a little while THEN chill with my dude then thats what I will do..
i just can't have ANYBODY make me do ANYTHING that i don't wanna do..
smh..

anywho,
i'm twenty. i'm grown. i'm looking for a job :)

help me out mmkay??

fuck IKE

my latest obsession is hating these darn hurricanes.
world must be ending soon.
we should all go GREEN. and stop global warming.
because of IKE, i had to um wait 2 days before i spoke with my family..
i miss my mommy dearest.. ugh.. this sucks =[
i miss my brothers & lil sis too.. plus my cousins and such.

everybody is having kids BUT me..
smh
well i mean, i'm not mother material but i just think that i'm too old now..
ahhh
tomorrow i will be twenty years old and im still unemployed.

umm yeah, what else???

i'm BROKE because of IKE.
and moody..


so everytime i go out and have fun or party he thinks that i end up having sex with somebody?? hahaha NOT even.

i mean, its not hard at all for me to lay up and get it but just because i'm slightly inebriated doesn't mean you will find me laid up..

you have to have standards and know your limits..

i could've had sex but guys have morals these days lol

anywho i'm done.
peace.

hurricanes

even though i'm all the way in atl i'm worried bout my ppl..

took a quiz 2day in shakespeare; hopefully i did AWESOME.
CIS sucks..

those were the only classes i had 2day. lucky me.



BEE day festivities start this weekend. =]
i will be twenty years old on tuesday. thats ancient.


okay, so here's the DRAMA..

so my weight has been an issue since the beginning of time..
when i'm skinny i'm anorexic looking and when i'm NOT skinny i'm "rotund" lol
so now i'm in this inbetween stage where my weight is cool but i need to still tone it up.
of course some guys want to mold me into this video vixen type girl and thats not my style.

i know i have an ass but thats natural.
i will NOT have some guy come to me and try to CHANGE me.
Sorry i don't have abs.. sorry i don't have long hair down to my ass.
Sorry that everytime you saw me, i'm dressed completely down..
do you wanna know why??

If you can't accept me at my worst, you most definitely don't deserve me at my BEST.


If you can not see my beauty without the makeup and revealing clothing then you don't like ME.

I'm a trainwreck in the morning.. yes thats true.
can you handle it??

NO.


so you don't deserve ME.

Depths of My Mind

What do i wanna do??

i wanna be a writer mama, i wanna sing!!

funny.

my voice sucks. my words don't.

my true love is words..

some ppl like music but i guess im different..

i get that almighty high from the alphabet..
these 26 letters can make so much..

on to something else. i'm lonely.

it sucks.

i had a crush on jojo but he don't love me no more..

ugh.

jojo sucks..

he knows what he did..

i wish jojo was the one..

but i know he's not..


i think i will end up in south dakota.

umm

i'm thirsty..

machine stole my last 3 quarters..

bank of america stole $100 from me..

i'm broke.

this is NOT the life..

i'm homeless still.

it sucks..

im bumming my friends out..

oh yeah, the gave me a card..

its soo cute.

and nice.

i love them.

i feel bad..



i want to be loved.



they love me so i guess i am loved.

thanks.

it means ALOT to me..

i wish i could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too..



oh yeah, my newest obsession.

weird songs..

ok not weird.

i like solange.. T.O.N.Y is my fave.

new beyonce album is comin in november.
i like Stop Sign.
:)


BEE Day in 4 days ;)