And I mean this in EVERY aspect of life-- but definitely never settle in a relationship.
I settled. For years I settled for the almost & not quite guys instead of exactly what I was looking for. I'm confident in every aspect of my being UNTIL it comes to my love life.
For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for love. I've read all the books about it; Watched all the movies; Listened to all the songs. I have worked diligently for years trying to find that LOVE that young girls dream about. I planned my wedding when I was 8. I knew I'd be married at 22 & have kids by 24. I knew all of this. At 25, I don't have any of it. I have nothing.
Why? Because I settled.
One day I woke up and felt that I wasn't good enough for what I truly wanted so I just took what was placed in front of me and ran with it. Maybe that's not 100% true but i really don't feel like going into the depts of why I am this way.
I fall hard & fast. Either I love you or I don't care about you at all. This isn't healthy. It's hard for me to just be single because I was always trying to prove to myself & everyone else that I wasn't the girl that couldn't get a man. Nothing was wrong with me! I can keep a man! So I dealt with so much shit. I put up with more than most people because I was afraid of being alone. Looking around & you see everyone you went to high school with married with children and you're just like... "What about me? What did I do wrong??"
I did everything i was supposed to do in my eyes. I guess i just stayed with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.
I settled. Never took a break between men. It was always #OnToTheNextOne because my girl Beyonce taught me that men were definitely not Irreplaceable and I could certainly have another one in a minute.. and he was literally there in a minute. Infidelity. Lies. Hurt. Man... I been through it all.
All for Love. All for this idea that a 25 year old single woman is an anomaly. We are damaged goods. Old news. Spoiled milk. I don't have kids but my ex has two and they aren't by me!? I'm definitely not doing it right. There is just so much going wrong with my life and I felt like I was going to drown in my own sorrows. My tears became invisible but I still wept for the children I never had.
Is this what my life has become? All of my friends are having babies now. And I've never felt more alone.
It's a very weird feeling. I'm happy for them.. but I felt horrible. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn't able to enjoy the Love that was growing inside of them for my own selfish reasons and I hated myself for it. Why can't I be in love? Why can't I be a mother? Why can't I start a family? I was a mess.
One day I decided to leave my pity party. I realized that 25 wasn't the end but merely the beginning. Everyone doesn't have to have kids so early in their 20s. Everyone doesn't have to be with a guy just because they've been together a long time and starting over at this age is a death sentence.
I am happy. I will fall in love with whomever God has chosen for me. I will have children if & when God says is right for me.
I wasted so many years trying to make something work with the wrong guy and putting up with nonsense because I was afraid to be alone but... being alone is nice. The silence is very much loud. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at times but I am ok. No more settling.
I hate when beige folk get ahold of something our community has been doing for years. They always ruin it. Ying Yang Twins made that "Whistle While You Twerk" song like 10 years ago i believe. And actually before it was called twerking it was just booty shaking. Been dancing like that all my life.
When you go through something and realize that literally NO ONE has your back but yourself, you realize that you don't need them. Why are they around? You add no value to my life. Clearly I don't need you.
So much on my mind. I'm just over these lying ass niggas. I'm over these niggas who owe me money & refuse to pay me back. I'm over it.
I just pray to god I find a way to make it.
I already got it. I don't need you new niggas. At all.
I'm turning 25 this year. I'm excited now. Finally old enough to be honest with myself and move on. I'm happy. I just want to be able to do everything I want to do. I'm working on that. Bee is able.
Speaking things into existence:
I will be successful this year.
I will buy a car on my own within 6weeks.
I will live in my first home alone within 3months.
I will be happy.
I will lose the weight.
I will not depend on anyone financially.
I will get my ring.
I will have my daughter.
I will love.
I will live.
Am I ready to be a stepmother? Am I ready to love another woman's child wholeheartedly because I love the father? Can I be a positive role model in this child's life? Am I mature enough to understand that his children come first?? These are questions I often ask myself... Whether I like it or not, the man of my dreams may have children with another woman. It takes a lot to actually be apart of a man's life with kids. You're suddenly thrown in the role of parent and some just aren't ready for that. I question my own maturity at times. Will I truly love this child as my own and not be catty as some women are and use this child as a way to get closer to the father for my own selfish reasons? Will I be a bitch towards the mother? Will I be jealous of the child when he receives the attention from his father instead of me?? I guess it's easy for me to see all aspects of this situation.. Dealings with baby mamas and children from previous relationships because I am somewhat a product of that environment. I have wonderful women in my life who are not my biological mothers but I loved them as mother figures growing up. Eventually all adults began to get along with one another. Great family unit. No animosity or drama. And I even gained a great extended family that I still communicate with today. I feel like I am almost ready to be a stepmother. Almost because I'm not 100% sure I can be a wife just yet, but I will rock as a girlfriend. And I don't want the biological mother of my potential step kids to feel as if I'm trying to be their mother. Because I am not a parent. I am just who this particular father chooses to be with... Now. Things may change. I have a pure heart with everything.. And pure intentions. I just want to be with the man that I love. And if he already has kids I hope to grow to love them as much as or more than I love their father simply because I love HIM. Of course I have my own issues. I may become jealous because he has children with women whom I assume he didn't really love yet he loves me and we have yet to create life together. But I am a 24 year old woman who is seeing her classmates and friends all get married and start families and this has convinced my biological clock to tick erratically and yea... But that is for another post. I think I may be ready... I will never know until I try though. The things we do for love.
I finally upgraded and got some overpriced phone, the iPhone 5, and joined the ranks of others who have joined this apple crap. Oh well. Since I have a better phone, I can blog more. But mobile blogging sucks. Any who, lets get into what's going on in my life.....
I was in a relationship at the end of last year and half of January. Didn't last long enough for me to blog about. So I'm back single. I actually enjoy it more. Being a single 24 year old is much better than I had originally thought. I love my free time. I love being able to reflect... I love it.
Anthony... We are still ok. After all was said and done, we met up somewhere in the middle of our lives and have acquired a mutual love and respect for one another. I love him. That's apparent. He loves me as well. But are we in love with each other? Nah I highly doubt it. We still remain great friends and I'm happy that we can work on a platonic relationship together. If that turns to something else, great but for now I'm happy where we stand. With Anthony, I had to let go and see what had become of us. So many of our issues came from lack of trust & communication. So much we never discussed. I also feel as if we are the way we are towards each other because of past relationships.
At the end of the day, I have him in my life and I'm happy with that. I talk to other guys and he probably talks to other women but I'm ok with it. We aren't together. And even though at times he gives me girlfriend privileged authority, I can't run off every female who appears to get too close. All about growing....
Speaking of growing, working on my personal relationship with God. Trying to grow spiritually. Meditating. Trying to work through my issues. Constant battles with the voices inside my head and the demons that seem to dwell within me. I am especially at war with this lusty demon. Matters of the flesh as a downfall always seem to pop up in my birth charts when trying to discover who I am astrologically. But I am a smart woman who is constantly working. Be blessed. Read on.
While I was on hiatus, soooo much shit happened. BEYONCE took over 2013 and it's still Black History Month. From singing the National Anthem at the 44th President's Inauguration, to slaying the Super Bowl Half-Time show AND snatching the wigs & edges off of EVERY naysayer with the superb HBO documentary Beyonce: Life Is But A Dream--- Yes. It is #BeySeason, and you will deal. Late last year Bey even joined Instagram as BaddieBey and aint a truer name in the world for my girl.
This woman is perfection! How can you NOT like her? Why don't you love her? Tell me baby, why don't you love her?! When she makes herself SO DAMN EASY TO LOVE?!?!
From Blue Ivy to Jay to Miss Tina to Solo & Julez & even Julius... the #BeyHive lives.
She even announced her latest tour "The Mrs. Carter World Tour" & unfortunately I was unable to get tickets. But I am confident that I will be able to get tickets eventually. When there's a will, there's a WAY!
"Thank God for my Computer. Sometimes when there’s no one to talk to, I talk out loud. So I can get all of my thoughts out and try to figure out the issues that I’m having and I’m tryna’ find the answers. The best thing is looking back, and realizing how incredible life is. If you don’t take the time to think about and analyze your life. You’ll never realize all of the dots that are connected."
Bey said this in her documentary. And I FELT it. I do this all the time. Sooo many videos on my laptop of me just.. TALKING! Ahhh... I must make another video. I must post them. I must get back to writing.
Everything happens for a reason. Just when I was thinking about giving up, I saw that I indeed had the power to push forward. God is SO real! And with him, I shall be enrolled in school in about 6months. That's when I qualify for financial aid again. *twerks* ALSO, a new job is in my horizon. Also, a MOVE is in my future. Must get away. I am far too amazing to be living so dormant.
That's wayyyy too long! I'm trying my best to blog more frequently.
I'm so lost right now. I am searching for love in all the wrong places. Keep falling into the same traps. Letting certain someone come and go as he pleases. It's just... A lot going on right now. I just want love. That's what we all want. I must be strong. Pray for strength. I know better. I know better! I.Know.Better.
Like, now because of lurking I've found out that my boo is still very much in a relationship with his ex. And he's been driving her car to come see me these last few months.
I'm not mad. Always trust your gut. ALWAYS. You may be called crazy, but your body is a wonderful instrument. Your mind is a powerful tool. If you feel like something isn't right, SOMETHING AINT RIGHT!
And as of now, I can't even blog anymore.
I'm just dumbfounded. Because as I was writing this post, I figured that shit out.