Friday, February 27, 2009

Its Raining Frogs & Worms..

So today has been the worst day ever.. Mainly because nothing has gone my way (plus I may be receiving devastating news monday.. Lets PRAY)
So I made plans to go out on a date with this guy I met.. Our FIRST time ever hanging out you know.. I picked the usual bland date, dinner *to talk & feel him out* & movie just because I wanna see a movie. Hey, he's paying why not get a free meal & movie.. even if he is a total bore. Anywho, I washed my hair & made plans to get up EXTRA early like 8am to straightened my freshly washed & air dryed locs.. Then I was gonna go to campus to my meeting with the importante lady AND get my package.. Then go get my contacts on Forsyth & Walton..
THEN i was planning on taking a trip to Lenox & gettin a cute ensemble AND my nice mango chicken.. NONE of this happened..

For one when I woke up at 8am, I saw water droplets on my window. UM NO!! My phone began to constantly ring.. I was PISSED. I had one guy wanting to stop by.. I needed a ride since Marta was out due to the RAIN. I refuse to ride buses when its raining. wet floors irk me. Then, my cell was tripping. I definitely was not straightening my hair JUST so the humidity can make it poofy all over again so I text'd date guy to cancel.. at 12pm of course.. Umm.. Yeah ask me why he was like well how bout i just come spend the night?! hahahaha... NO. Nobody sleeps in my bed but me and my love or friends. WTF random guy.. yeah fuck the date. My ass will be solo tonight..

Um.. I didn't get my contacts.. nor my package..
And something is wrong with me.. Ugh.
Life sucks..

and yes, its raining frogs & worms.. Its a short story. Read it to your kids i guess.

a party at my house.. I'm not paying to drink though.. Maybe me, Jam & Meg can put in for our OWN bottle.. or ask J to buy it.. Juiceeee!!!

So yeah,
if you know sam.. stop by i guess.
email me for details???
that would be a nO. I didn't even promote my OWN bday party (18th) and hella random people showed up.. ahhh.

oh yea, so last night I actually spoke to my future fiance.. its LOVE. I can't wait until i go home ;):) :)
A went to La to gamble.. mmmkay. Of course he was texting me the whole way there.. Just being a lil bore using me for my entertainment then pretendin as if i was askin too many questions. Excuse me for livening up this booooring convo.
thats all.

i'm flying out to see my baby soon :):):)

Monday, February 23, 2009


An ode to the myself..

I shall continue to be a free thinker. My words and thoughts will never be limited my society, nor shall I censor anything for the fear of hurting others.:)

I believe most people are too sensitive.. If you don't like what I say, don't read VB~ don't email me.. call me.. or anything. Just ignore me.. And really, its just words.. s

So yeah, he definitely called me disturbed again. Ugh.. Hate that I care sooooo much about the guy.. i hope i don't really like him & this is just me being bored and wanting to like anyone.. I mean he's cute. I'm a sucker for accents.. but other than that... what else is there??

Um, Girl Rule is still in effect?! I shall write about the things you should NEVER do. hehehe
like.. NEVER Date your friends ex or a guy she used to "talk" to regardless of how serious or not so serious they got..

My contacts are finally in.. and they’re only $15 a box this time!!! I sooo love paying for this vision insurance.. $10 exams.. free eye medicine if needed like drops and such AND I get two whole boxes free.. Then I get a hefty discounted price of more than 50% on every box thereafter.. Love it. I shall go get them tomorrow I guess.. maybe take marta.. I need money though

my eyes are achy.. i shall be makin this trip back to CB.. maybe i'll swing by and visit Tay.. Yes I met a local. And he's super cute. Umm GF?! idk.. ughhh.. that would be dreadful.


Saturday, February 21, 2009

the bakery

I found my senior book... packed away in my freakin boxes from freshman yr. SMH
i almost shed a tear when i saw pics of 2 of my classmates that passed away shortly after graduation.. How things have changed. I know things happen for a reason and because of that im not goin thru those pages anytime soon. Anywho, I was supposed to start the short story.. but ichanged my mind. Life without cable is not working. I'm so getting it like ASAP. I'm so lost in space without it.

Oh my... wat have i been doin wit my life?? I still crush on bow wow aka Shad Gregory Moss. :)
Sue me. i subscribed to his youtube account [prince bowwow]. All i know is that he better watch my vids lol.
I'm scared of the dark. I have a nightlight. smh and i lost one contact.
soo i cant see..
i wrote a note bout my weight cuz im tired of ppl always using that one tidbit to try and break me down. Come harder.. Get deeper to hurt me. Clearly i dont mind being this size... I mean, my boobs are gettin huge:) And i still stop traffic when im only wearing a hoodie and baggy jeans. True beauty shines thru anything. So while you spend hours dressin up, i dress down & shut it down. Its all about confidence. I exude it. Or at least try to..Dont get me on my gizzydays. lol Locs & pastries. Lmao.

People who spend time focusing on me, my life, my daily activities, etc.. Hope i'm entertaining you. I wrote a status a few weeks ago bout VB bein the only source of knowledge for the masses... cached & bookmarked.SMH. I dont mind tho... Just makin lil bee famous. Literally.
Why am i still in beezyland??

oh yeah... so apparently im psycho says K, and A isn't mad at me... B still cares. E.. is drunk. lol

im tired.

Friday, February 20, 2009

word vomit

ughhhh. my stomach is in knots.
my head is aching beyond belief.. this little fattie hasn't eaten all day. haha.
I say fattie because everyone calls me that.. anywho.
i dont see me as being fat, just bigger than others- which i like.
NO one knows my strength or the damage that I can do just by being BIGGER than you!!
lol, i mean, i did push over a vending machine with my ass. AND pushed a car with 2 ppl inside while it was raining one night by myself. I'm just a beast :)

So This is FAT?! I mean.. Maybe thick.. but not fat. And no honey.. this is a LACE dress which means unlike some I dont need to wear any undergarments for SUPPORT lol. Maybe its when I wear jeans or something?? hmmm..

Okay so here's me in jeans.. straight on. Wide hips? I mean this was over break.. I did gain some LBs.. I think i look fine as fuck though. lol. Maybe I just feel myself a bit tooo much at times. But if this is fat... idk. I like my hips and thighs. Maybe when i wear jeans i look "bigger"?? Idk.. Clearly I look in the mirror.. and I see something totally different.

I really could careless if a guy or gal calls me fat. lol. I love food. I eat whatever I want. I never worry about my weight. I've never had abs a DAY in my life. Even when I was 104lbs i had a bitty pudgelle. Thats just ME. I had ass too. Always will have Ass. So now 50lbs later.. Yes I weight 150 something! I don't mind putting my weight out there, people love to call me fat. LOL. I look wayy better than some people who clearly weight 20-30lbs less than me. Dudes never complain.

i don't have boobs. At least not that much.. B cup and proud. Hmm.. i really just wrote alot about myself. I love me. I think everyone should love themselves. Even when I look BUSTED like when i first got out the pool in this pic, i still be rockin that thang :) True I have a chubby face.. True I weight 155-158lbs. . So call me fat ALL you want. I wear that title proudly.
But of course people LOVE to comment on my weight..

My whole reason for writing was because I could CARELESS about what a bitch has to say about my body. I LOVE it. I embrace my curves.. you disagree?? Well break this screen and eat the glass chips from it.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Purple Title Wave

Get it?? Title wave.. ok nvm, it sounded way cooler in my head before i wrote it.
Anywho, last weekend was by far one of the most interesting valentine's day i have EVER had. Instead of moping around feeling all remorseful because some LAME guy "lmao" didn't want me to be his valentine or that i was single on the national day for single awareness (thanks 2 my fbook buddies for that one), I went out with my Gal Pal :):) One of our FAVORITE places to go eat?? Of course Hooter's!!! Woot woot!!! The most unromantic place to be out of the site of lover's, or so we thought.. For one, the weather turned cold & me and megan thought we'd look cute in next to nothing. I mean, single ladies have to look sexy right?? Yeah.. try the parking attendant guy hittin on us (could've got free parking hmmm...), a cab driver pulls over to try and "holla" in a mini van, and then we had to trek up the freaking hill in our SM boots.. NOT a good look. Plus it was this big NCA cheer comp thingy going on soo we were surrounded by cheerleaders and parents.. smh. So standing in line waiting for a table i realize that not namy people know about manners.. I purposely stood in front of people so they were forced to murmur excuse me's instead of pushing past me lol. AND i looked like a freaking GIANT. Especially next to Megan.. I was easily 5'11" that night.. 6' even since i'm only 5'6ish really..
So we finally get our table and instantaneously ordered our food.. HOT wings, cheese sticks & cheesey curly fries. FAtties!!! lmao..

So our hooter girl was sooo sweet and adorable. Racine!!! You Go Racine!!! We left NICE tips for her.. usually i only leave a buck regardless of my bill because the service is horrible at most places. She better work for her tips. And she was a cutie soo yeah.. Anywho, across from us was this oober annoying guy who kept looking our way.. seated with 3 older ladies.. one with a BAD wig. then at the bar we notice super cool (not) cat eyeing us.. yuck. Soon he was joined by a MUCH older gentleman.. ugh. Instantaneously my heart fell.. I knew what was gonna happen next.. So i look over to Megan and im like ok don't look.. but why are they staring?? LOL.. 28 & 48 easily.. TOO OLD. So super cool cat comes over and starts rappin to meg like blah blah blah.. dot dot DOT. the ushje.. and we find out he's 27. *ONLY ONE YEAR OFF, SCORE FOR BEE* So then he leaves.. and OH NO. Oldie comes. at this point the WHOLE restaurant is looking at me.. and when i'm embarrassed or nervous i laugh hysterically... NOT a good idea.. So i'm like omg.. how old are you,.. 47!? Yikes!!.. I'm like dude you're old.. my mom is only 41.. lol.. How did i know he was old.. He invited me out to go DANCING?! The oldest line in the book of pick ups!!! Then after being dissed he gave me a fist bump like barack gives michelle. whoa. slow down daddy...

so we leave hooter's.. & head to purdue. guy offers me 10 for a lap dance. im broke.. but no thanks. then we went to the frat guys house.. hahaha.. played flip cup.. i am a beast. AND some other drinking card games. Guys think they're so smart.. trying to inebriate girls to get them in bed.. but not I. Unlike most people when i drink i become COMPLETELY on guard.. and i'm analyzing everything and everybody.. So as he's trying to get closer i'm becoming more and more on top of my game.. MORE and more bitchy.. more BEEzy really. LOL.

When will they learn that Single is not synonymous with desperate?! I don't need a man to make me happy, i'm happy on my own. and thats why alot of relationships fail.. people are not content with themselves and being with "ME", so they need a he or she to feel complete. Not I.. Its one deep until someone worth calling instead of texting comes along.. Yeah thats how you know you like someone.. you rather call than text.. lol

Anywho, I'm gonna start a new "dating" section on here where I talk about my relationship dramz & boy dramz and all that.. Look for the love/war or singular functions label!!!

oh yeah.. this is my LIFE. If you are offended or upset about anything I write that's YOU. If i say it, its the truth. NOthing false about ANYTHING i've ever written.. cuz like I say.. my word is all i got. So.. please don't call me or text me or message me with nonsense. You said it. I said it. MOVE on. I don't like you/we're not friends on fbook or real life/dont have ur number/never talked to you EVER---- You don't know me. All you know is what somebody who probably didn't like me has told you or what you have read on here.. SOOOOOOO... jump off a rooftop & build a bridge to nowhere.


Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy (Boyfriendless) Day!!!

I woke this morning, took my meds & felt sickly (as usual).
Such a wreck~ emotionally! So what was my valentine's day gift?? Some guy, Mr. Wilson saying that he loves me.. Whoa. That took me.. eh speechless. Like what am I supposed to respond to such a thing.. Not like a guy's never told me that but.. I wasn't expecting him to say it of all people.. ughhh... WTH is going on in Bee's World?! You would wait until two years later to say some ish like this.. when i've moved on and on and on...

Of course after he shocks the life outta me, he pisses me off. Says i'm selfish.. Think everything is about ME. Hello!!!! It is.. lol. But i'm not selfish.. So he doesn't know me at all.. Thinks he loves who I used to be..

So I was THIS close to coming to Houston to visit a certain someone.. but i changed my mind. I almost did it. haahaha.. love that kiddo though.

I'm slowly deleting people from my facebook.. I like deleting things. Why are we "friends" when we aren't even cordial.. If we didn't grow up together, were cool in high school, or we attend the same school now.. WHY are we friends on fbook?? Unless you're just a cute guy then.. its pointless. i rarely accept girls.. and guys for that matter.. smh.

Why do people love to ask "Do you have a problem with em? 'Cuz [random messy person] said you didn't like me.." Like, why would you care.. Not like we were actually friends. I get those alot.. So childish. But had to let one person know that i really didn't like her.. I don't know her.. I only like people who i'm cordial with.. friendly with.. friends. If you're a stranger I don't like you.. the END. so yeah.. its safe to say that i don't like alot of people.. You have to form some sort of bond to have feelings or deep emotions towards another human being. I don't hate anyone though so there :)

Chocolate covered strawberries equal yumness. Hooter's is coming soon.. :) Still perplexed by the overwhelming abundance of emotions in my inbox.. you'll be glad to know that I am not dealing with anything beyond hi & bye until monday.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Unfinished Business

I never knew how he truly felt about me until December. But thats typical for the men in my life. I either choose the ones who never want to express themselves or the guy that cries every other minute. I mean, it truly hurts when you don't know if he actually cares for you as much as you care for him. This scenario dates wayy back to my high school days...

It was an ordinary night for me. The young one came and picked me up from my house and we proceeded to drive around.. Well of course we got to his house and he wanted to do things but I wanted to talk. I had questions.. --He had no answers.

Frustrated, he decides he's going to take me home. As we get closer and closer to my casa, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I put my head down, then look out to window trying to conceal this sadness that had suddenly come over me. I was supposed to be mad not CRYING. Why couldn't I convert this weak emotion into something strong as Hate and ANGER?! He stops his jeep. Tells me to get out. I don't move. He says it again..

"Man.. please just go.."

But I can't go. Not until I tell him. I look at him, and for the first time he sees tears on my face. It startles him.. I never expressed this emotion to him before. One simple question I ask..

"Why?".. For the first time he could see my emotions plainly expressed on my face. From my teary eyes to my streaked makeup.

He doesn't say a word. Again I ask, this time angrily-

"WHY?! Why can't you just say how you feel?!"

"I do say what I feel.. Man just go." He finallys says motioning for me to just leave him alone.

"Please tell me when have you ever told me how you felt? Never!" I scream in his face. This time I'm grabbing his shoulders. Trying to shake out any sense into that brain of his.. Wondering why he can't express himself to me..

He looks at me finally noticing the tears falling down my face in torrential floods and quickly asks me that one stupid question: "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm tired.." I finally say to him looking directly at him. "When its just you and me... everything is cool. But whenever you're around people you have to make it seem like i'm bothering you or I'm the one that ALWAYS calls you. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm stupid and chasing after you when I'm not. Its not fair.. so please, tell me Why- Why do you have to act like that?"

"Look man I don't know.. I don't be meaning that stuff. I just be frontin.."

I look him in the eye.. I know he's telling the truth but from that moment I knew that it was all a lost cause. He couldn't tell his boys that he actually had feelings for me.. Or that he actually liked hanging around me.. Or that we were really good friends. We were beyond cool. Me and him.. It was destiny I thought. I could go on in my life with just being his friend but he had to make things complicated throwing around different emotions when he knew he couldn't commit. He knew he was too young to really just be up front with his boys and say man.. I really care about her.. instead of the she crazy.. she just don't understand NO.

"Frontin?! You.."

I'm shocked. I can't say anything else to him. I just laugh to myself, wipe away those embarrassing tears and get out of his car. As I'm walking up my driveway, I glance back and look at him. I see him with his head down, obviously thinking. About what? I have no clue.. Never asked. Always wondered. After thirty seconds He finally leaves. I guess he saw me looking at him. It became too much for me to handle so I just went into my room and cried. I wasn't crying over sadness. It was just too much to finally hear what I had been telling myself for years.

Funny thing about that, I still stayed close to him. It didn't change much about our friendship.. I mean it took months before we spoke again but things improved alot. We actually communicated. We were really friends.. but finally I realized that I wanted more than just a friend so I had to let go. Didn't talk to him for nearly a year. Then one day I decide to randomly call him. I was overjoyed to hear his voice. December 2007. We talked for awhile.. about me being in Atlanta & the normal catch up talk. I was supposed to call him back but I never did..

That winter break we reconnected once more... but thats for another time. We haven't spoken since then.. and i'm not in the least bit sad about it. Everything happened for a reason. Those situations I went through during my teen years affect me today, but i've grown from them. I know i was burned but I just call it a Lesson Learned. Maybe we have unfinished business, maybe not. I just can't wait to see him one day with his wife, say hello to them, congratulate him on his nuptials, wish them well, and go about my daily way..

[[I'm working on a compilation book.. here's a snippet. The direction: An indepth look into love & war and how to take it as it IS. idk.. random scramblings]]

Teeny Bopper @ Heart

I've decided to take a mini vacation away from many things that bother me...
Since Saturday, i've been on campus with Jam & Meg. We started off the night not knowing WHAT in the hell we were going to do.. soooo Meg made a connect & we were off to some house party somewhere in the streets of Atlanta.. All i know is that its always good to let loose in your OWN way. We left MJ around 1230ish and didn't get back til 7am :)
Fun times. Cj got us Mcdonald's.. early in the morning. yummy..
then i slept for sooo long.
for some odd reason K called my phone @ 11am & left a 4-5min long vmail..
umm yeah, held a conversation with a girl in the background..
Hilarity. Fuckery at its best.
Why must these walls come tumbling down again? Obviously we built this separation for a reason. Maybe the best is to cut all ties completely.. but then it would make me seem bitter which i'm not.. I wish him JOY & HAPPINESS.. but above all this, i wish him LOVE.
That's all you can do. Wish them well and move on.
I'm not going back to my teen days and be all upset and bust windows key my initials and all that hooplah.
So yeah, I'm done with bitterness & fuckery.

B calls me baby. Gahhh.. We're so engaged now. LOL. I really want to plan my wedding.. or just a wedding in general. I want to be apart of one actually. I love weddings. thats all.
Meeting with my T in the morning and then i'm off to see the D lady.

oh today i watched the grammy's. main reason i came to campus cuz i dont have cable. MIA-- crazy, who performs on there due date.. Justin is awesome (duh).. coldplay- nice jackets. Al Green :):) JONAS Brothers!!!!!!! AHHH!! Teeny bopper in me sreamed :) Nick shares my bday.. Joe is cutie :):) Kevin has nice curls.. love them.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


I don't feel like writing. I don't want to be in this room any longer. I'm considering taking a personal trip. With myself, somewhere farrrr away :)
Vegas for my 21st bday with the people who I LOVE the most~ no names needed to be dropped. Ummm, i'm thinking more of a New Year's thing.. who knows. I really want him to come along with me. Hehehe.. We need to spend fun time together.. I haven't seen him since January 3rd. Sucks. So yes, I rather spend it with him than anyone else.. That's the tentative plan. I need a job. Next session is Monday.. thats all.. PEACE.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Shallow Deepness

Lately I haven't been quite the same.. but i'm determined to change that. I hate that everyone has a blog now.. Its kind of depressing. Especially when the purpose of the blog is to put down others or write meaningless things. I write because I know somebody else MAY benefit from something I'm going through or may have to say.. or they may have the ability to HELP me. That's my ultimate goal in life: To help as many people as I can. I'm often beyond broke when i'm out stalking the streets of Atl with my zebra boots and purple hoodie, but whenever I see someone who is asking for spare change.. If its in my pocket, I hand it over. Maybe they're just too lazy to get a job or honestly having it rough but I mean we all go through hard times. Giving a stranger a dollar or two is not going to make much of a difference to my bank account. I mean, if you can go to Lenox and spend $300 on some jeans or shoes I'm pretty sure paying some guy's marta fare won't hurt. Lol.
You don't have to give random street walkers money though to do a "good deed". I mean, have you ever walked through campus and saw someone who is obviously having a bad day? All you have to do is speak or say Hello and it may just CHANGE they're day. A smile works just as well.

Anywho, my life has been difficult lately and i'm still trying to work out some things. I just had to realize that I can't solve all of my problems MYSELF or through writing about it. I internalize soooo much because I don't like to worry others with what's going on and I learnt that i HAVE to express every emotion.. even if i feel it may hurt others; it HAS to be let out. I'm a self diagnoser. I hate doctors. I hate medicine. I rather do this all on my OWN. But I can't do it all. Not being able to help myself in my mind shows "weakness". I've always been self sufficient. I potty trained myself actually at the age of 2.. I was walking at like 8 months. Since then I never asked anyone to do anything for me. I never ask for help. When I need to move something heavy.. I do it myself. Homework?? Figure it out on MY own.. Sometimes it causes problems cuz with a little assistance my good work could have been great. I'm just an independent mind i guess.

soo.. I'm working on me. You should too.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The textual wrap up.

Sometimes I am such a stupid girl. I will walk 2 or so miles from my apartment to the Marta station (instead of catching the bus from the corner) and ride all the way to Lenox station just to go to the mall and visit the food court! This is SILLY. I know... but you know food court Chinese food is the best... ACTUALLY I think I may have to make a trip there myself soon... do I have ten dollars to spare?? LOL.
So today I think I saw Fonzworth Bentley walking on my campus... I really don’t know. Of course I had on my usual school day attire. Long jeans, purple Spelman hoodie, ugly turquoise and sprinkled pastry’s, dark shades and my vintage purple & grey backpack with the childish bicycle license plate on the back. SMH. It’s ridiculous how little I care... I should really consider actually getting dress for class like everyone else. Maybe then I won’t be so down. I’m actually in class now... had some MLA lab to attend... Of course I have Microsoft word up so I can pretend like I’m taking notes or something but really I’m blogging.

School is really meaningless to me right now. I want to be here but an online course would be sooo much better. Walking to class every morning is a killer. I started writing my novel last night. It’s not the “real” novel; just an account of my journey through love & life... unfortunately there is ONE star... and its not even me. Of course it is HIM. Ugh... I actually wrote a pretty decent blog about him yesterday but my wireless was fucking up and it didn’t save the right draft so now im stuck without any of my edits or insightfulness. Its titled Unfinished Business. I think that will be the title of the chapter about him I suppose. At least the end. I’m pretty sure there is another novel titled that.. I just feel like we never quite ended things verbally EVER. Everything was pretty much understood which is why we had sooo many problems. Everybody LOVED to try and label whatever me and him had going on as something more or less than it was. I mean we knew what it was.. Just because I didn’t broadcast it like everyone else doesn’t mean that it was nothing. And trust there were many times that he LIED on me.. There were many times that I knew about the stories he told the guys in the locker room. I mean I had my cousins come and tell me EVERYTHING. I knew that he’d be like “Yeah guess who I had over last night…. Brittney Booker. She did THIS… & oh yeah she did THAT too…” Unfortunately for him, the VERY day I’d have Jacolby call or text me sayin I know what you did last night.. And I’d be clueless to what he was saying because clearly the night before Brittney was in bed alone. Hadn’t talked to the young one is weeks perhaps.. just saw him around school. Funny how even though he loved to brag on our sex life.. we weren’t even having one. Hahahahahaha. Funny guy. Please check back by the end of the week for the textual updates :)

So yeah, I finally emailed Teri the chat mess between me & james. SMH. Funny how he lied and is trying to make me look like I’m just making shit up. Whatever. I don’t need Huntsville friends at all and I surely don’t need for anyone from SHSU to text me.. damn skippy. So whatever. A liar IS a liar. And you know I never forgive..

Right now I’m not in a good mood at all. I’m still a bit lethargic from last week. I have horrible cramps. I just walked all the way to the MALL (aka West End Mall) just for some damn Kleenex and a brush & a new comb. I lost the other one. Argh. I didn’t even lose it.. I think mea has it.. but I just got a new one.. and a hair wrap. Wooop wooop! I text’d K today.. well this morning actually.. was just telling him how I think we should talk or something. Yeah I know, such a stupid one. I just wanted to see what he’d say… Sooooo of course he replies and says he’ll come over after class.. haha right. I doubt that.. I told him it wasn’t a sexual thing.. I just needed to get some shit off my chest. & then I told him we couldn’t have sex anyway cuz the auntie came to visit. Ha. No response since 7ish.. Anywho that’s the update for today.. my back is KILLING me. Ughhh… and I’m in dire pain. Im not broadcasting this stupid blog anymore. Everyone in America thinks they have the right to have a blog nowadays. Brittadiva07 was my diaryland account name, check me out there. Blogging since 2003 when it was just called an online diary lol .. and don’t forget the myspace blog that’s been in effect since… 2005?? and the super loserish tripod account I think I hid the old blog.. oh but trust I’m bringin it back up hahahahaha.. :)


Monday, February 2, 2009

This Time.

John Legend. Love him. When i first heard this song I had just had a lil tiff with Garfield. And then i began to think about how loveless my life is... AND no matter how hard I try to put up this wall around my heart, some fool finds a crack and gets in. Then i'm hurt. My heart can't take it.. Even now as I type i actually FEEL it aching a bit.

I wonder how it could be this time around if I just did things a little big differently.. And i'm not even talking bout Garfield. I didn't love him. It was purely physical. Duh.. I'm talkin bout the one who I think I let get away.. I never knew how he felt about me until it was too late. I didn't think that I still had those feelings but here they are coming again. Streaming down my face..

Do you know how it feels to NOT want to love someone?
How it feels to know that regardless of what happens you won't ever be with them.. How it feels to know that you could be lying in bed with them at this very moment looking at them while they sleep. So peaceful. Such a beautiful face.

You lay your head on his chest and FEEL him LIVING. Your heartbeat is in sync with his heartbeat and you're breathing together. YOu can feel him as the blood pumps through his veins. You smell the scent of his cologne.. YOU see How your hand feels inside of his.

You just stare at him... and think HE should be mine. You can picture him layin beside you every night for the rest of your life. YOu can see yourself lookin down upon his smiling face as he is down on bended knee. You visualize walking down to meet him & become his wife. You can feel the intensity of love that you may one day have for him when he is no longer just your friend but your lifetime lover.

Then you wake up from that fairy tale and notice that he won't be able to lay beside you at night.. That you can't see him smile at you every morning while he says "good morning beautiful". You won't get the chance to hear his voice everyday because he is 1,000 miles away.. You won't have the chance to wonder what could have been..

I'm ready for love but at what cost? Should you have to love from afar? I know love conquers all but at point does the disclaimer come about?? You say that you can see yourself being with me and that you feel that i am the sense of joy you've been looking for and that you think that i will COMPLETE you yet you're pushing me away by talking to three other girls?? I don't get it.. this confuses me.. Why are you pushing me away??