Monday, August 30, 2010

Steve From Blues Clues

Is NOT Dead. He’s very much alive. I remember when I first heard this rumor years ago. He OD’d.. or He killed himself. We all figured it was because he spent all those years talking to things that weren’t there. *shrugs* Someone on twitter asked if the rumor was true.. Since he left the show like in 2002-2003 and its 2010 NOW I guess we could debunk the rumor again.


He’s an indie rocker now I believe. MTV did a story on him in 2007

He may be acting. Who knows. I loved Blues Clues though. I do the BEST Blue parody. I’m a beast at animal noises though.

So its cool. Steve is still kicking it. Hey Steve, can you do an interview?? You were awesome. I loved Nick Jr. even when I was super old because of you.



Bee vs Cakes

It took me about 10 years to finally accept my body.. I take that back. I still have issues with my body, but it took me 10 years to finally embrace my curves- my cakes. You see I’ve always had a round bottom. Ask any guy who knew me in elementary school and they’ll back up my claims. Hell, ask my mother. I came home from school crying nearly everyday because some guy spent the whole day calling me names pertaining to my butt. I was called Xtra Xtra. I was called OBB. They sung a song about me: “XTRA XTRA READ ALL ABOUT! XTRA XTRA TENDER & JUICY..” I was Big Booty Brittney. I mean, at least they used alliteration but still I hated it.

So of course when you’re six and guys in your class are constantly talking about your butt it affects you. It affects me to this day. I never take guys seriously when ALL they can talk about is how thick I am or something about my butt. It never fails. I meet a guy. We hit it off. I ask him WHY he likes me. Somewhere in the top 3 qualities he lists my butt. I roll my eyes. I mean, there is so much more to me than just my butt. I know I talk about it alot because I know you’re looking and I wanna beat you to it.

I like the attention at times. I can’t lie. Let’s face it I’ve gotten A LOT of shit handed to me because of my ass. Free shit. Discounts. Perks. all of that. I don’t mind it at all. Just know that there is more to me than what meets the eyes. I’m into the guy who likes what I have to say and my thoughts than how I look.

So yes, I show off my ass daily. If I have to show a lil skin to catch his eye intially, so what?! Its not what keeps him around of course. Once a guy gets to know me THEN he must decide if he wants to deal with crazy Bee or find another boring girl with a big ass. Your decision. :)

Sunday, August 29, 2010


I just called to say.. I miss you.




Fuck Kat Stacks Part 2

So tonight Katherine slutty ass decides to tweet Carmelo Anthony asking if he tastes like caramel. Surprisingly Melo tweeted back “nah I taste like death”. smh. Then Lala tweeted her talkin bout some bird seeds & how she’d only tell her one time. Blast mode. Then Kat tweeted “which one on my groupie friends with Lala’s husband bending over for Melo?”. Eventually Melo offered anyone on twitter 5 stacks to slap Kat. *sigh* Why?? I mean, she does needs to be slapped. She aint cute. But 5 stacks?? Umm lets just say I hope I see her in ATL for my bee day. I don’t mind slapping her.. and 5 stacks would be lovely for my bee day. kat

carm carm2



oh yeah.. click on the screen caps for a better view. smh. Twitter MESS is the best.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

No One Chills at 2am

Boys. I've BEEN over them. Why are they still on me though? Like, yes I'm a NICE girl. I love to converse with you via facebook chat and occasionally tweet you or "lol" on one of your status updates.. Hell I may even text you from time to time-- this does not mean that I will be that girl who decides to "chill" with you at 2:30am. How old am I? Yea I've BEEN there and DONE that. I'm talking you're still on high school game? So not your "late night hype" type.

Boys are so stupid. I used to entertain the nonsense. I used to come over at 2am and then act "surprised" when he tried to kiss on me or give me a massage *eye roll*. OR I'd invite them over to my place and have on "Memoirs of a Geisha" and make them watch it, then expect them to leave when its over. Hehehe.

Now, I don't even bother. Shut em completely down. I mean you can't even tell a guy "I'll come over to chill but Im not trying to hook up" anymore. They think you're just playing hard to get. Ugh. Whatever! I'm not playing. I don't wanna smell your saliva all over my body. Gross.

No one chills at 2am. NO ONE! If you're not planning on having sex, stay at home in your bed- alone!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Bee Day 2010

So it’s official. I shall be in ATL for my 22nd Bee Day. I haven’t seen my friends in forever! Its definitely time to see them. Now I must see how Ima do the new job/class scheduled around me coming to Atlanta. I’d love to be down there for more than a weekend. Maybe like a Wednesday-Sunday. My birthday is that Thursday so I must be there before then. I don’t know what I’m gonna do… Drink? Karaoke?! Yes, I’m dying to find a Karaoke Bar. Clubbing? Of course. It’s my Bday twin’s birthday as well. His 21st though. Of course we’re gonna do something together. Just so happy to finally be able to see everyone again.

Anywho, now the REAL problem. How am I gonna do my hair?! Should I unleash the fro?! Should I get my hair braided?! Should I get a sew in?! Ahhhh!!! I mean of course I’m getting a manicure, pedicure and I shall be freshly waxed. Plus I’m getting a bomb ass ensemble for my BEE DAY.. But how shall I style my hair?! Crazy.

so in lust

We used to be so in lust. So intense. Our bodies never apart. Fingers intertwined. Tingles down the spine. Kisses-tasty. Love? Hasty. Emotionless affection that was pure fabrication of a love I longed for.

We used to be so in lust. I remember how you kissed me. Never on the lips- we agreed that was against the rules. It would ruin our emotionless connection and no one wanted to be hurt. You never kissed me on the lips, but many times we almost did. Breathing in sync. I’d lay my head on your chest and feel your heartbeat.. I could hear your heart beat and I loved how it matched mine.  I’d stare into your soul and you’d gaze back into mine. I felt everything you felt and saw everything you didn’t. Our lips millimeters away from touching and then suddenly I giggle. Giggling to break up the connection. You smile. For a moment we thought of breaking the rules but we didn’t. We never do.

So in lust with you am I. So in lust with me are you. In lust with my seductive eyes. In lust with your soft lips. In lust with your ripped body. In lust with my full hips. So in lust we are.

So in lust we once we were. So in like we once were. So in love we should’ve been. So in… So in my heart I keep you. Memories are all that I have left of what almost was. I still hear your voice in my ear when I’m in bed alone. I still feel your fingertips gently tickling my spine. I still smell you when my face is buried in my pillow. I still smell you when I find myself pulling out your shirt to sleep in. I pretend that the fabric is you and that you never left. So in love with you I’ll always be. Infatuated with all of you.

Best For Last - Adele

[You wanna know how I'm feeling? Listen to this. I love you Adele]

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end and
It's been waiting for you to open up
Just you baby, come on now
I'm trying to tell you just how
I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me

That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

Why is it everytime I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough cause you're still not mentioning love

What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting away
And though I'm trying my hardest you go back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak running around

And I will do until I find myself with you

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
And we'll say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you

El Fin.

I just want a chance to say goodbye. Is that too much to ask for? Everyone needs closure. I never get it. Maybe I was too much. Maybe I wasn't enough. I just want to know what did I do wrong? Or what didn't I do right?

I won't talk about it anymore. I won't mention it anymore. I won't worry about it anymore. I'm finally going to let everything go.. I guess. I don't want to but what else do I do?

My head aches. My heart aches. I'm confused.

Oh well. It is what it is.

There's no use crying over spilled milk right?


Love & War I tell you. Love is war.

El fin.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

When Solange Met Nas (as told to VIBE)

"At 14 I was obsessed with Mr. Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones and yes I do know his full name (laughs). Every publicist, every artist who crossed paths with him and who knew me was like ‘Yo, you have to meet Solange, she’s like your biggest fan’ I used to get his name encrusted in my nails in junior high. I actually got an in-school suspension over a Nas poster..."

"...He had of course the infamous 'God Son' tattoo and I had the poster in my locker. I went to a Christian school and the dean of the school told me it was blasphemous to have that picture and I said 'Well if I take down his poster then the girl four lockers down has to take down her Justin Timberlake poster because he had his shirt off and he had a cross across his chest. So yeah, I didn’t take it down and got suspended..."

"So that year was the NAACP Awards and I went there with my sister. This was Bow Wow “Puppy Love” era days when I was in his video. I have no idea what I was wearing because I was too focused on being in the same room with Nas. But I know I had those crazy, raggedy anne red braids (laughs). Basically Bow went into his dressing room and told him 'You have to meet my friend Solange, she’s obsessed with you' and he was like ‘Yeah, so I here...’ So I went to meet him and I literally was the crazy, crying fanatic fan. You could not dry the tears from my eyes. Shaking and crying. I did the slow walk up and it was just way too embarrassing."

"If I’m in the same vicinity as him I just hope that he does not remember me as Bow’s 14-year-old crazy, crying friend. It was really quick, but it was super monumental in my junior high. He was really nice and said ‘I heard you’re a big fan of mine. Thank you. Good to finally meet you.’ He gave me a hug and I was just really really upset that I cried because I had home training. At that point I had met so many humongous people and held it down, but Nas is just something different. But eventually I calmed down after he left because I was so embarrassed. There were people around and I’m just like, ‘this is not the look.’ And I didn’t even get a picture. That’s what was really wack about it. All that hootin’ and hollerin’ and no photo."

Interview by Tracy Garraud
Illustration by Khia! Jackson

Oh & It's Shaved..

by Brian Pumper/B Pumper.. featuring Chippy D (Montana Fishburne aka Laurence Fishburne's daughter)


His outfits? A mess. His rhymes? Wack. Her ass? Spottiedocious. B Pumper is like a 50 Cent wannabe who looks like Lloyd Banks. He is so wack. I'm sorry. I can't take him serious. You shouldn't either.

Let's Be Real...

So many people are saying that "if Aaliyah were still alive there would be NO Beyonce..". Umm okay. Let's look at Aaliyah's numbers. She doesn't compare to what Bey's numbers were for her albums. Aaliyah wasn't really popular beyond the hip-hop/r&b genre while Beyonce is a pop superstar. Yea Aaliyah was great at what she did but she didn't write her own songs, she didn't produce, she didn't do anything but sing how they told her. (I know some of you will beg to differ that Beyonce doesn't write her own songs but she has.. shush). I'm a huge Aaliyah fan but some of your opinions are a bit OUT THERE. Like you don't even NONE of her music beyond the singles or the B side tracks. You don't know about the tracks in the middle of the album. You only know those that had videos. You aren't a true fan. Let's be real, if Aaliyah wasn't so cool, humble, and pretty no one would've cared. She was just a sweet girl who sung sweet songs. Her performances weren't out there. Her vocal range wasn't crazy. None of that.

I love Aaliyah like the next person. I still have my Aaliyah CDs. I just don't think people should be saying she is the BEST. She wasn't even the best of the 90s. Mariah Carey was. TLC was. They had #1s.. They had chart topping albums. Her last album didn't reach #1 until after her death.

Forget the what ifs. She had her time. She was meant to do her thing and make a name for herself. She wasn't the greatest artist ever but she was "cool". She was good.

Just not the greatest.

Be mad all you want but its the truth. Shush.

Drake’s Letter to Aaliyah

Dear Dana,

I’ve never lost a parent, a friend, or a lover but I will never forget this day for the rest of my life. I remember getting the news that you had passed and it connected with my heart like a clean shot from Muhammad Ali. I was crushed. Not only was I one of your biggest fans but I was truly in love with you. I loved the way you carried yourself, the way you dressed, the confidence with which you addressed passion and relationships in your music. I said to myself that even if we never met, I wanted a woman in my life just like you. I am pained that we will never get to connect now that music ended up being my career path. But you should know, we all listen to you everyday and we remain inspired and moved by all that you’ve given the world. I hope I make the right life choices so I can end up in heaven where I know you rest your head. I’ll continue to make music in your honor until the day we finally meet. Dinner’s on me!

Love you always and forever,


[VIA RAP RADAR] & Too Clothes Minded

RIP Aaliyah

RIP Aaliyah Dana Haughton (January 16, 1979 – August 25, 2001) 

Can't believe it's been nine years already. I remember where I was when I first heard about it. I was in the projects with my sisters DeeDee & Meka. KK called Dee on the phone and said thats what she heard... We all were like no whatever, its just a rumor. You don't joke about stuff like that. Sadly later on that night we turned to MTV where they had it scrolling across the bottom of the screen. Then every news channel picked it up as well. 

The next day on channel 1 during school most people were silent. Some cried. I didn't. I was sad though. I just couldn't believe it.

RIP Aaliyah. Following your death your song "Rock The Boat" helped me find my inner "Bee". I memorized that dance and did it at Kate Barr Ross that day & caught the eye of that guy, who later became my boyfriend. *sigh* I love you Baby Girl.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Just A Few Thoughts..

There is a reason why my real name is NOT connected with this blog, my facebook or my twitter. If a prospective employer were to search MY name, I don't want them to have any negative information about me or comments made by me. Yes I'm all free spirited but until I'm my OWN boss, its Vividly Bland ALL THE WAY.

Colored contacts are so out. They need to be burned. I haven't worn mine since 2008.

What else is out? Gauchos, crochet braids, the n word, SWAG, and........ unprotected sex.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Enter to Win a Trey Songz Tote Bag!

This week on we're giving away an exclusive Trey Songz Tote Bag! All you have to do is submit your email above to join Trey's email list! We'll be selecting the winner at random next Thursday, 8/26
...and although there's pain in my chest I still wish you the best with a "FUCK YOU!"

Kim & Justin

Don't get your panties in a bunch. It's just a photo shoot. :)

Welcome Back Ms. Hill

Lightdreams & Nightmares Tour

I can't wait. Ima come see you Drizzy.

I'm turned on by men who read the newspaper. I'm turned on by reading in general. *sigh* That's so effin sexy. I love your vernacular. :)

Honey & EVOO

Got bored and mixed some raw honey with extra virgin olive oil for my hair.. I heated the mixture up then mixed it with my conditioner. I kept that on my hair for like an hour then I rinsed my hair with cool water. The result? Loosened moisturized curls. I love it. Then I tried to straighten my hair... I know I know. I said I wasn't going to straighten it anymore but I got so bored and frustrated with it. Then the humid air hit it as always so I ended up with this mess. Poofy. 

When You're Not Here....

... I sleep in your t-shirt.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Cee-Lo Green - F*ck You

F*ck You - Cee-Lo Green Download [Had to take down the link... DMCA caught a chick slippin. You better GOOGLE it]
This is probably gonna be my FAVORITE song of the summer. My anthem for Autumn. Can't wait to call and play this on someones voicemail =]. Yeah.. its THAT good

Hair Envy

My best friend hair is beyond gorgeous. Its long as hell. I'm jealous. Why? Because my thin tresses pale in comparison to her thick gorgeous mane. I mean, I can't be too hard on Chloe. I've always had thinner hair. It was ALOT of hair but it wasn't really thick. Especially when I was younger. My hair was the exact same way it is now. lol..

Hair envy is nothing new. I always compare my hair to everyone else and I'm like "I've been natural for like 2 years now.. Why isn't my hair like HERS!" Then I remember that unlike these girls I didn't really think about transitioning until months after I had cut all my hair off. I just didnt feel like relaxing my hair again. I never thought I'd go natural it just happened.

But still.. as I approach the two year mark and I see girls whose hair has surpassed mine in 9 months I'm so envious. I mean girls come up to me and they are oogling over my texture and curls and I'm just like fuck it. I'd take the nappiest texture out there it were long. Fuck a curl pattern. I want volume more than length. My bestie has both. Still jealous.

Friday, August 20, 2010


 So I got bored. I twisted my hair (like my fourth time EVER.. Now that my hair is longer I think this is a good protective style. When I go out I just pull it back with a headband. If I want, I can pull it into a bun. They kinda look like dreads now. I think I wanna loc my hair eventually.
 Its funny because my hair is SO curly, my twists end up twirling up on the ends all spirally so my hair looks even shorter. I hate the shrinkage but its kinda cute :)
Length check. Twists are slightly past shoulder when pulled :)

I LOVE natural hair. It's so healthy now. Still a bit thin but there isn't much I can do to deal with genetics. I think I'm gonna start taking prenatal vitamins soon. I call this style "twirls" because my twists never stay straight. Eventually they fight the twist effect and curl up, thus creating "twirls" :)

Power Remix Lyrics

Too bad this isn't Jay & Swizz with 'Ye but still POWER.
[via The Rockabye Review]


Is this thing on?
Oh, I thought they silenced us, Ye
Power to the people

We livin’ in that 31st century, futuristic fly shit
The penthouse is the projects and everybody flies private
New watch, know what time it is, watch us (You see us)
They can’t stop us, prophets, beyotches

(Kanye West)

No one man should have all that power (Yeah)
The clock’s tickin’, I just count the hours (Yeah)
Stop trippin’, I’m trippin’ off the power
(No one man should have all that power)


Rumble, young man, rumble
Life is a trip, so sometimes, we gon’ stumble
You gotta go through pain in order to become you
But once the world numbs you, you’ll feel like it’s only one you
Now you got the power to do anything you want to
Until you ask yourself, “Is this what it’s all come to?”
Lookin’ at life through sunglasses and a sunroof
You have the power to get out from up under you
Fuck Rollies, labels, fuck what everybody wants from you
They tryna Axl Rose you, welcome to the jungle
To be continued, we on that Norman Mailer shit
In search of the truth, even if it goes through Taylor Swift
Tell her this

No one man should have all that power
And then they
And then they
And then they
And then they


Now when I walk in, everybody do the “Power” clap
Clap, clap, clap
Fresh for the club, I just took a half an hour nap
Clap, clap, clap
I seen people go crazy when the whole world in our lap
Clap, clap, clap
My socket was out the plug, now it’s time to get the power back
Clap, clap
I seen people abuse power, use power, misuse and then lose power
Power to the people at last, it’s a new hour
Now we all ain’t gon’ be American Idols
But you can least grab a camera, shoot a viral
Huh? Take the power in your own hands
I’m a grown man, doin’ my grown dance
I don’t stop until I see the end, my vision clear, bitch
I’m on my Van Gogh, I don’t hear shit

No one man should have all that power
The clock’s tickin’, I just count the hours
Stop trippin’, I’m trippin’ off the power
‘Til then, fuck that, the world’s ours

And then they
And then they
And then they
And then they
And then they
And then they

Now everything I’m rhymin’ on cause a Ramadan
Been a don, prayin’ for the families lost in the storm
Bring our troops back from Iraq, keep our troops out of Iran
So the next couple bars, I’ma drop them in Islam
They say as-salamu alaikum, wa alaikum asalaam
That’s no Oscar Mayer bacon, you should run and tell your moms
Now the question is, how we gon’ stop the next Vietnam?
Keep Flex out of Korea, ’cause you know he drop bombs

(Swizz Beatz)

Hey, yo, Yeezy, stop playin’ with these people, man
They wan’ see you act all crazy in this ma’fucka, man
Take that jacket off and go crazy on them niggas, man
You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout?


What do it mean to be the boss?
It mean second place is the first one who lost
The crucifixion, the being nailed to the cross
Truth or fiction, it’s a hell of a cost, do the dishes
I’m ’bout to hit that Jeff Gordon
Michael Jordan, the only one more important
But I be feelin’ like Jordan when I’m recordin’
‘Cause every time I record, I duck to slap the boards
I don’t know what these rappers gon’ do afterwards
Prolly spaz like I might do at the awards
Huh, I got the whole crowd goin’ crazy
Homie, I should be rewarded
Gettin’ money, Yeezy, Yeezy, how you do it, huh?
Eatin’ Wheaties, drinkin’ Fiji, bein’ greedy, huh?
Don’t even think you can allude to the rumors
I’m immune to the booze, I’m a prude to you losers
It’s all in time, my nigga
See, I dreamed my whole life that I could rhyme with Jigga
Now Jay my big brother and Bey my li’l sister
And excuse me, but, you can’t see my li’l sister
Number one sound across the board, hey
Number one now and forevermore, hey
Number one rule is niggas don’t hate
Maybe I’ll drop the album, nah, all y’all gotta wait
And on the ‘Net they showin’ pictures of my Cali place
My Maybach in NY, but it still got the Cali plates
All my old girls know that I’m the one that got away
I think about at Christmas, and play some Donny Hathaway
And keep my bulletproof hater coat on
Lookin’ at some photos that I’m lookin’ crazy dope on
Hand up, talkin’ shit, yeah, I get my Pope on
And go home wit something to poke on
That’s what Dre said, but this what ‘Ye said
How ‘Ye doin’? Who ‘Ye screwin’?
That’s for my dick to know, before you get to know ‘im
She ain’t give you ass? That pussy fictional
I gotta give her the eviction note
‘Tis “Get yo’ ass out, bitch, vamonos”
Five seconds to the song, and we gettin’ close
I got the power, ma’fucka, if you didn’t know


Chill, chill, chill, chill, man
Chill, ‘Ye, chill
Shit’s burnt up already
It’s over

Power remix

"Now Jay my big brother and Bey my little sister. And excuse me but you can't see my little sister.." - Kanye

Basically. If Kanye says Bey is the best, Bey is the BESTEST!

"We on that Norman Mailer shit.. In search of the truth even if it goes through Taylor Swift, tell her this.." - Jay Z
I love how they keep pokin fun at the VMA shit. But Kanye was telling the truth. Bey soo shoulda won that award. lol. Sorry Taylor! 

Anywho, you guys need to take a listen to the Power remix with Jay-z and Swizz Beats. 

Almost as amazing as "My niggas is home" - Beyonce on the "See Me Now" track with Charlie Wilson.

[links courtesy of check them out.]

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Miss Me

My future husband- Drake-Drizzy-@Drakkardnoir ♥ Aubrey Graham.
He ustream'd tonight. Call up a couple chicks. I was like "whaaaaaaa?"  I was gonna tweet him my number to call but you know I aint want ALL of twitter hitting me up :)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

If You Ask Me I’m Ready..

I’m finally ready. I’m done being single. I’m done with the casual affairs, emotionless hookups and loveless days. I’m ready for cuddling, kissing, loving and living. I’m ready to be with him. I’m ready to grow up and be devoted to another human being as I am devoted to myself. I’m ready to give my all to a relationship. I am ready for dating. I’m ready for the nights together, the mornings together. I’m ready for you. You just have to ask me.

And that’s why I love you…

(okay maybe not “love”… but you get the picture).

If you’ve ever been in intense love, like or lust I bet my bottom dollar that someone has asked you “Why…”. Why do you like them? Why are you with them? Why not someone else? Well there shouldn’t be an exact answer as to why YOU feel the way that you do. You just.. do.

I love how I feel when I’m around him. When I hear his voice I can’t help but to smile. The mere mention of his name brightens my day and I can’t hide my happiness. He makes my heart skip a beat whenever I see him. When I’m with him I feel like “this is right. This is perfect.” When I’m laying beside him I know that I can lay there forever. When I leave, I just want to go back. I think about him all the time. You may catch me in a daze or smiling for no reason and the reality is I’m thinking of him. He can text me “Hey babe” and its as if nothing else in the world matters but HIM. He makes me happy. I haven’t even mentioned his great qualities because that doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have to name every single detail that makes me so into him. He is just who I see myself with and I hope he feels the same. I love the way I feel when I’m with him and no one else can make me feel as good as I do when I’m with him… And that’s why I love him.

You don’t have to explain to the world why you feel the way you do. You don’t even have to explain it to him/her because they feel it. Ahhh. Love, I think I’m finally close to feeling it. My heart’s pounding as I type this. My heart’s smiling. My heart is overwhelmed right now. I love this feeling.


I guess I’m trying to be nonchalant about it and I’m going through extremes to prove I’m fine without it. But in reality I’m slowly losing my mind… Underneath a disguise of a smile, gradually I'm dying inside..

That song is the soundtrack of my heart right now. Its as if I feel deep down inside he may not feel the same way I do and if he says “I care for you but I’m just not in love” I’ll pretend to feel similarly and I’ll be truly torn up inside.

I don’t know why I always think the worse.

So what do you do when someone you’re so devoted to suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven’t got a clue of the pain that rejection is putting you through? Do you hold it all inside and say “I will survive”? Do you lash out and say “How dare you leave this way..”? Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away??

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly because I don’t want to reveal the fact that I’m suffering. So I wear my disguise until I got home at night, and turn down all the lights—and then I break down and cry.

No one knows that sometimes I get so sad that I just go for a run alone and stop in the middle of the track, drop to my knees and cry. I do this at least once a week. Don’t ask why. Its just how I am. You can blame that guy I guess.. Or maybe I’m just living in this song.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Soulja Boy

So today Soulja Boy decides he wants to follow ALL of his fans. So I follow him, you know to see if he'll follow me back right?! smh. Of course he doesn't get to follow me. I mean, I loved "Donk" and "Pretty Boy Swag" has grown on me. Guess I have to unfollow his ass. I was gon DM him & ask him to tell My Future Husband Aubrey Drake Graham to call me.

I Really Hate..

Online applications. EVERYTHING is electronic now. Ugh! If you follow my blog then you know that I HATE technology to a certain extent. The more advanced technology is the less personal things become. No one writes letters anymore. No one verbally speaks anymore. We all text. Our thoughts and feelings are crammed into 140 characters or less!

Even the job hunting process is different. At first I enjoyed filling out things online. I mean, I have auto fill so the basic info was automatically filled out for me but then there are those long redundant questions that are supposed to assess your character. Basically wanting to know "will you steal from us? will you make us lose money? will you cause problems?" Its not HARD its just annoying and you quickly become irritated. I mean, I WOULD give my friends discounts but am I supposed to tell you that?! Do you know that I will? Ugh annoying.

And how am I supposed to know you actually received my application? I have to call to make sure it was received. Right... Then I have to wonder if you're lying just to get me off the line. SMH. Or you're looking at my lack of experience and I can't sit there and talk to you face to face and explain that yes its true I haven't WORKED that many places but I've done a lot of work. I've done volunteer work. I've done temp work. I've done a lot of shit. I just haven't worked in retail.

I enjoy filling out apps by hand, getting ink on my fingers, perfecting my signature. I LOVE IT! *sigh*