Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Its my own fault I'm sure. I would always say something serious and then laugh it off like I was just playing around when I wasn't. I'd always pretend that those little things didn't matter and that I was adult enough to handle those situations alone, but I'm not. I can't do this alone. I don't call you just because I'm bored. I call you because I want to know that you're okay. Is that too much to ask for? Hearing your voice is all I wanted and you made it like I wanted something else. Its my own fault I'm sure. Back then I pretended like I didn't care. I pretended that I only wanted one thing too. I'd hit you up on some "Aye, I'm horny.. Whats up?" type shit and now whenever I hit you up you think thats all I want. Not true. I hid my true motives behind the sex. Masked my emotions with sex. Now I must pay the price. You told me you loved me twice. I said it three times. Four times. You never said that again. Wish I wasn't in love with you..
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Orgasmic let down. I was SO fired up to see Prince perform after he received the lifetime achievement award but he didnt! His greatness came JUST to see his portion of the show, said his little thank you and LEFT. smh.. and his Tribute was lackluster.. Sorry to all the Janelle Monae fans but her vocals were not good last night. Now her dancing?? Yes. That was great. The Esperanza chick pretty good. If Alicia wouldn't have climbed her pregnant ass up on top of that piano her set would've been boring as hell. And Patti Labelle just screamed for the whole damn song. She only sung 4 words. I promise. Maybe she sung 4 lines but before she could get to the chorus is was all screaming... Prince gave them the *side eye* I know yall saw his face like "This can't be a tribute to me.. this is the BEST there is? Psh.." OMG when Trey Songz tried to sing Purple Rain at the end of "Your Side of the Bed". Horrible. I like Trey but you can't do Prince. Or R.Kelly really. No more tributes for you.. I still love ya.. (Don't you think Rihanna shoulda came out & did a Prince song? They look sooo much alike and her hair is always very Prince-esqe.)
The highlight of the night had to be Chris Brown though. His tribute to Michael Jackson was damn near flawless. It was like a big kick in the ass to everyone who doubted him. Okay so he made a mistake but Mystikal still had fans after he raped a woman. Hell Boosie allegedly murdered a man..But everyone rocking with them still.. Chris knows what he did was wrong and hopefully he has learned from his mistakes. Its time to separate music from personal lives. I don't have to want to get with you but I can respect your talents. His crying was genuine. He was crying because he was doing a tribute to his IDOL and he wasn't allowed to do it last year; Everyone was actually giving him a chance to redeem himself; and the words to man in the mirror were exactly what he wanted to tell everyone about how he's trying to change himself..
Jay-z and Beyonce skipped out on the awards. Boo! Rihanna ass didn't come either.
Keyshia Cole OVERSANG the Airplanes song with B.o.B.. guess Hayley wasn't able to come *shrugs*
Usher did "There Goes My Baby..." I was expecting OMG.
Monica sung "Everything to Me" and had the original singer come out with her...
Queen Latifah was a good host. I'm ready for female MCs to make a comeback. Its about damn time. She must have inspired Nicki Minaj as well bc her acceptance speech pretty much killed any Lil Kim beef. (You hear that Kimmy?) I mean, leave the beefing to dudes. Women have to stick together.. Or we will forever be fighting. smh.. She won 3 awards too.. and performed twice. **Side Note** Where did Nicki’s boobs go?? She looks like a C/D girl now..
Drake performed. Soooo much better than last year. Brought out Jeezy.. Wore that same damn letterman he always wears. I want one though. Ima have to hit up OVO and see how I can get a Drake Starter Jacket. I expected them to do Unforgettable but no *sigh* Jeezy looked like he had on a damn straight jacket. pffft.
There was a Haiti tribute memorial thingy song with Kirk Franklin & nem.. Guess that counted as the gospel portion for this year..
Diddy performed & had Dawn&nem lookin like background dancers.. like they in the group and we didn't even hear them sing. Lip sync. thats about it. Ricky Rozay & Nicki got ALL the shine. Waka Flocka came on stage to shake his dreads & dipped out while Diddy did his Oh lets do it verse.. and he Diddy bop'd till he was all diddy'd out. I like the diddy bop. Could barely see nicki bc of all that damn smoke. smh
Funny moments: Young Money being seated wayyyy in the back because Lil Wayne is in jail. *sucks* Rasheeda being nominated for best female hip hop & the song they had was "Bubblegum"-- Like wtf?! That song came out when I was in HS!! 4 years old AT LEAST! (her along with Lil Kim were obvious fillers) smh.
El Debarge coming out to do a tribute to... himself? Oh okay. Keri Hilson lookin like a damn giraffe.Monica and them big ass shoulders on her shirt. Brandy & RayJ gettin all the camera time singing along to everybody awwww.. (brandy finally has bangs, whew). Kanye standing in one spot to perform, on top of that mountain.. TI performing a song nobody really knows or likes.. pffft. Rocsi in her Alexander McQueen outfit lookin like she aint know if she wanted to be Rihanna or Beyonce for the day.. And.....
The SHOW CHOIR AKA #GHETTOGLEE sounding HORRIBLE on the pre-show.. Bwahahahahhahahahahahahaahha! epic fail! uberfail! only one chick sounded good.. everyone else were not good singers. I coulda did that.
Did anyone else catch when Aleesha Renee blasted Cassie for fuckin Diddy on the red carpet?? bwahahahaha..
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
The background music was a bit much in the beginning. I blame the guitarist. lol.. Drake, maybe you need to get in a few more sessions with your vocal couch. I know its hard to sing these songs live though.. But autotune is that shit. I get what you tried to do.. A bit of a rock influence. rockers dont have the best voices either. I still love you though. We can perfect our voices together. & to prove that there are NO hard feelings Aubrey-- I posted a video of ME singing earlier today. I still love you & I FUCKS with "Thank Me Later" the LOOOOOONG way..
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I have no respect for people like that. AT ALL.
If I see you with a Free ______ Tshirt on, I'm throwing paint on you like PETA. El fin.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Well I soon found out that I fell into the shower.. Or jumped in there or something. Idk. I just know that I tried to "sober myself up". I'm the smartest drunk person I know. I was curled up in a ball in the shower with the water running and they kept asking me if i was okay and i'd look up, smile and say "I'm Fine!"
No more cheap liquor for me. I don't have drunken pics and I did not scar my face up :)
But I had a blast last night with Leslie, Chasitti & Brooke. No woohoo. I danced my buns off. Free drinks. Good shit.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
If you read the things I post or blog about then you'd know me pretty well but in person I'm somewhat different. I'm not saying that I'm not being myself online but I'm just more open when I'm alone than when I'm with another person. I can't tell you how much I care about you to your face but I can write you a letter and you will know that all that is on my mind.
But am I really cold? Damn. I'm human too! I have emotions! I have bad days just like the rest of the world. Nobody realizes that shit though.
This is always the issues. I always get the comment on how I'm different from other chicks but I don't see how. I'm really more like them than you think. Whats wrong is wrong. Beleee dat.
I only know love through music. I have only experienced it through others, never myself. I can feel the love in a movie. I can feel the love in a song. I can feel the love between a couple. I seriously do feel the love of others, just never felt that love inside. Well once I did but I don't like to think about that.
Wow. Major epiphany. That's why they're called Stans, right?!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I’ve received a few compliments from people I wouldn’t expect to like natural hair. You know those chicks who always have a head full of hair or rock lace fronts or who initially looked at me like I was crazy for cutting my hair off.
One day I was walking from the pool with my BFF and saw two girls I went to High School with who haven’t seen me since 2007. I had recently had the sides of my hair braided up into a frohawk and the front was sort of hanging down with these beautiful thick spiraled curls that just bounced around when I walked.
After speaking to these chicks for awhile one said “What you put on your hair?” I replied, “Nothing...” “You lying, thats not even possible. You have some weave in there huh?” “Nope” I said and I laughed, “I promise its all my hair..” She then asks “Come here & let me touch it because I don’t believe you..” So I walk over to her and bend down and let her ‘root me’ and she’s amazed. “Oh my gosh.. Its so soft. I didn’t know you had hair like this.. how did you get it this way?” Her sister replied “You must used some curl activator on it on it or something. Its too curly.”
Idk bout you but for someone to automatically assume that I had a curly weave in or curl activator to achieve what God has blessed me with naturally made my day :)
Remember when we made love?
Love... Wasn't it beautiful?
Don't ask me why the sky's blue; that's not my business.
All I know is I... Look up and tell myself
"Be patient, love...that could be us..."
Look young cause they got soul..
That's why they're beautiful.
And my heart used to be cold til your hands laid on my soul..
Baby, that's why you're beautiful
It is true that I regret certain aspects of whatever it is that we had and I regret the outcome of things and I regret where we are today but that’s normal. I only regret that because I know that if it weren’t for a certain situation that me and you could have been more than what we were…
Or at least I hope so.
I don’t regret you at all. You’ve never purposely done anything to make me feel anything other than happy. I have the strong urge to say that I love you but I know that I’m not in love with you. I don’t know what love is, but whatever it is my feelings for you are close to it.
& As I write this itunes plays “That’s Why You’re Beautiful..” By Beyoncé. Perfect.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Lately I’ve been beyond emotional. I cry all of the time. I cried the other night because I felt that no one loved me (besides my family & friends). Last week I cried during a family argument. Crying when I’m mad or upset is inevitable.
Today I cried because I told this guy I was going to. Sounds stupid but its true. I plan on crying all day tomorrow. I will cry until I can’t cry anymore. I will get out all of my feelings at once.
Crying is good for me. Hell I’m crying right now thinking aout crying. I can’t believe I’m so emotional though. I live in my head.. This is exactly what the therapist told me. I keep too much bottled up inside and then when something dramatic happens I just explode with every emotion I have stored up and every emotion I have ever felt comes out at once.
Yes, I’ve gone to therapy. The best decision i’ve ever made as an adult. I think I’m going to sign up for more sessions.
Writing helps me. If I didn’t write I’d probably be in trouble right now.
I usually cry because I realize that I’ve been single since 2007 and I feel that I will never find love or that I will never be in love.
I could be more specific but… I rather not. :) All smiles though. These tears are happy tears:)
By the way I dress and the shit that I say & post online you wouldn't know that my family is VERY religious. Mainly on my father's side though. They don't believe in showing ANY skin. Its summer in Texas and my aunt has on long sleeves with a floor sweeping skirt on. Nothing is fitted. Church 6 days a week. Aren't allowed to watch tv. They can only listen to the radio and trust that its christian music only. No dating WHAT so ever.
Yes I am like the rebel child. I was the only person in my family wearing mini skirts. I partied all night. I didn't mind getting in trouble and I don't attend church. I talk about sex. I promote masturbation. I do SO much that makes my family members cringe but I don't mind.
I was drinking a bud lite lime at my family reunion this past weekend and im sure my aunt had a heart attack. I showed cleavage-- I am a hussy =/. Yes I've always been a bad girl. Isn't this the cutest vibrator?? :)
He said that if I gave him my number, he’d call. He texted.
He said that if I chilled with him, we’d go out to the movies and what not. He took me to his apartment and we watched DVDs.
He said that if I spent the night with him he wouldn’t try to do anything. He tried to woohoo all night long.
He said that he was single. He changed his relationship status on facebook, & its NOT with me.
He said that if I gave him a little time he’d make sure that we would be together. He ended up with a kid- and I’m not the mother.
He said so much shit that I really didn’t believe but I tried to think that HE was different. The signs were all there. I knew that He wasn’t different. I knew that he wasn’t right for me but I just kept thinking that he’d eventually change for me or something. That he was just trying to not show that he really cared for me. Silly little Bee. Bumbled little Bee is now Jumbled. I should have just followed my heart; Trusted my instincts; Used my noggin; Peeped his wack game- but I didn’t. I was looking at the situation with my rose colored glasses on tight and low.
I’m not saying I believed him or that I’m hurt. I’m just thinking why do I always foreshadow the whole course of the relationship from the beginning and when it finally happens I act surprised. I’m not surprised. I’m not shocked. I know what it is. I just hoped that my sixth sense is wrong and it never is.
I’m still waiting for one guy to show me that all men aren’t the same. That all men aren’t liars, cheaters, deceivers, heartbreakers.. That all men aren’t a waste of time, energy & space in my life. That all men aren’t great pretenders. Until then I will continue to say that all of you are the same. You aint shit and that you can’t get shit from me.
You like Prince? I love Prince!.. We’re soul mates. I can make you feel like Rihanna made you feel though I’m sure. Shiiiid I can make you feel better. I wasn’t even planning on watching 106 & Park but while I was washing dishes and cleaning up my kitchen I heard Terrence say your name and I had to pay attention.
I haven’t felt this way about an artist since my Lil Bow Wow days. The good ol’ days. Why can’t you go back to Degrassi though?? SMH.. I wanna see Jimmy walk again. I understand though.. I wouldn’t go back to my high school days either. I’ve outgrown it.
You’ll be back tomorrow though I heard. Good shit. :)
Just know that I love you & can't wait until you write me bitch. Iambic pentameter and all :)
Since my 21st birthday SUCKED, I vow to make my 22nd epic. Already got word from my Birthday Twin John in ATL about the festivities. WILL be in the A on September 16, 2010. With my friends. I think I'm taking my BFF with me as well. I know thats like 3 months away but it must be better than last year. Hell, baking myself a cake would be better than last year.
Yes, I'm a lyrical genius. Fuck with me. PS Isn't my fro lovely?? Ahhh yes. It really was lovely that night.
If you're only going to know ONE language can you please attempt to master it? You're not even fluent in English, wtf are you doing with your life?!
If I repeatedly state that I DON’T want to deal with anyone, why the fuck are you bothering me? Like, I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. Why the fuck are you still trying to converse. Let me sit here and sip this moscato, listen to this music and fucking chill by my damn self. If you can’t follow these directions don’t be surprised if I smack you.. and if you’re a child, I will get a cup of water and throw it on you. Don’t fuck with me. I’m not fucking with you..
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I was ‘supposedly’ talking to this guy but I kinda figured that after I turned down his offers for sex and I told him “No, I don’t want to spend the night with you- but I’ll spend the day” & he declined, it was kind of OVER.
I do this on purpose. I know that you don’t really want to be with me and that the only reason you put up with my shenanigans is that you think you’re gonna get some pussy. NO. I let you eat it, and you did a decent job but you had to masturbate to get yourself off afterwards because I am NOT the one.
Please, try another because this chick right here?! She’s been there and DONE that. Haven’t heard from your bitch ass in a week. Suck my dick bitch, and move around.
I looked up at him and gazed intensely into is dark brown eyes thinking that I could find one drop of love for me still in them. I saw nothing. I never saw such an emotionless stare before in my life. It was as if he had no soul- a soulless loveless creature that stared back at me. I guess he saw the tears beginning to well up in my eyes because his emotionless stare suddenly turned harsh & sort of angry. He glared at me like I had done something wrong. “What the fuck you crying for?” he managed to sputter while I quickly wiped my eyes dry, smearing my eyeliner so I looked rather raccoonish. “You don’t look at me the same way anymore… You don’t love me like you used to. I’m beginning to think you never loved me..” I said as my voice trailed off into the stiff air that suddenly filled the room as I mentioned that L word. LOVE. What I had been working to get for years from him. Love. What a silly word to be uttering to him now after the bullshit he put me through but I couldn’t help how I felt. He sort of rescued me and I fell for him after a few months.
Too bad that the person that I want has cut me off completely. Mentally, physically. Might be for the best. I honestly don't want to think about that one at all anymore. I bet I will though....
In case you haven’t noticed or you just don’t follow me on twitter I have CEASED all tweeting! Yes, @BeeMichelle is on hiatus. I don’t how long this will last but its for the best. All good things must come to an end is what they say.. & this good thing has ended. I mean, don’t think I didn’t see all the subliminal tweets about me and how so many people would decide to unfollow me because I twitpic’d too much, I always talked about myself, or I just tweeted too much.
Well now you don’t have to worry about being force fed the tweets of @BeeMichelle anymore.. :) You could have easily UNfollowed me but you decided to continue following me because you know that without me your timeline is TRASH.
Yes I said it. My tweets were freaking awesome. I tweeted about EVERYTHING! Music, Sex, Relationships, Natural Hair, MYSELF!!!!! And lets not forget politics, current events, world affairs and CELEBRITY news/gossip.
So yes, no more tweets. My last updates were brief explanations of why I won’t be tweeting anymore and where my followers could find me (Facebook & HERE) and if you CANT find me on facebook well damn.. I’m sorry.
**MAYBE NOT ‘FOREVER’… I’M SURE I’LL START BACK TWEETING EVENTUALLY… JUST NOT NOW**