I would like to blame all of this on Florence but I know better. It’s all me. Why can’t I just accept responsibilities for my actions?! smh. Of course I have to blame every little thing on a man who has somehow done ME wrong and I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
I don’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore. What happened to me? Whatever happened to Bee?! Whatever happened to Brittney?! I miss me terribly. I just want to be HER again. Idk how I let her slip away so easily.. but I did. How can you not even recognize your own reflection?
I used to be so cute to me… Now I’m critiquing everything I see. I hate my body. I hate my hair. I hate everything. blah blah blah.
February 25, 2012 marks the end of the saga known as Anthony & Brittney. I don’t know why I let it go on as long as I did. This has been like 5 years of my life. Consuming all of me. For the last year he was all I ever thought about. He was all I ever wanted. I thought he was going to be the ONE for me. I was thinking marriage. Silly Brittney.
I do not want to be alone. I refuse to be alone. He was just this clutch I had. Something to lean on when things got bad. So I wouldn’t feel like I was alone knowing that I was. Just a safety net. I hate this shit.
It’s like how much must someone show you that they don’t want you for you to finally believe it? How many times do they have to tell you that they just want to be friends for you to believe it?
I believe it now. And it hurts so bad. But this is the best thing for me. ME. I just wanted to have something so bad.
What do I do now? How do I start over & somehow forget all about him? Pretending that things were better. When they weren’t worth shit.
Is your heart still mine?
I have to make an adult decision about my love life. I have given myself plenty of opportunities to do shit like this but I always make the wrong decision. Nope. No more! I can’t afford it. I don’t want to let go though…
I do this a lot. I play in to the façade of everything being “great”. I am in love with him. He is in love with me. We are a loving couple. Blah..
I always fuck shit up myself. I hate that about me. I do the wrong thing. I say the wrong thing. I am the wrong thing. I am NOT a safe choice at all. I am so messy. I am literally a mess. I hate it. But it is life. I just want to be happy. One day man.
shit never changes. always stays the same. I often wonder what the heck I’m doing with my life. To be so close yet so distant is what my heart has been cursed with. I just expected things to change… one day. I thought that if I convinced him to leave her, he would eventually be with me. Ha. funny. I also thought that if I got my own place he’d want to be around me more. If he got to know me he’d finally see how awesome I am. He’d see shit that other guys see. Why can’t he see that shit. Oh the life of Bee. So fuckin depressing at times.
Kind of sad that my friends don’t like it when I’m locked away in my room for long periods of time because they see how “sad” I am. I refuse to say depressed but that may be a better word for how they feel about my situation.
I guess this has to be my outlet for now. Don’t want people to fear the worst. Or be worried that I may attempt suicide. I’ve loved & I’ve lost but.. I will win again. One day.
How do you make someone fall in love with you? Waiting on mother nature to do things for me isn’t working. Cupid was just another caucasian asshole. I cant kidnap him. *sigh* what ever will Brittney do man.
Today is Texas Independence Day.. & I almost feel like my heart is independent from him. Almost. I am trying to become the best me man. And that can only come if I am free from him. 100%. Why am I still somewhat attached. We tried the love thing. Didn't work. Tried the friends only thing. Didn't work. Even tried to mix sex with friendship-- & that failed miserably. I eventually grew tired of things. I felt horrible forever. So much other shit I HAD to deal with... on top of bullshit involving him. I reached the breaking point. I let go. He let go first though. I can admit that. I just made it all official. I am trying to go 30 days without contacting him. It takes 30 days to get over someone.... i heard at least. So this is day.. 6? Yes. Almost a week. It's crazy. Let's go.
So is today MY physical Independence Day? I mean, it definitely isn't a mental one. Ah. I cannot wait until March 25th. That will be the true test. Until then. No more.
It's rather strange... I've not really been communicating with anyone lately. No men. Barely communicating with my friends. Slowly becoming me again though. I need this break away from people so bad. If I only I could tell you EVERYTHING that has been going on with me. Damn. I tried though. I tried my best. I gave it all I had. You cannot say I didn't do that. When I'm there, I'm all in. I'm not even heartbroken. I'm just here.
After about 3 months of no cable or internet services (outside of my cellular phone), BeePac's BACK! OMG! It feels sooo amazing to be able to blog from my living room again.! I know, I know.. I haven't done much blogging this year. Why? 2012 has been all about change & renewal. Eliminating toxic individual & practices out of my life.
I feel like my life is changing for the better & its only up from here. *praises*
So... stay tuned for a photo montage of what you've missed out on the past couple of months.