Friday, July 31, 2009


you wanna know what i hate?

when dark skin girls proclaim that they are treated worse than Light skin girls with long hair to the point where they began to hate on every chick who is lighter and has hair that is past her shoulders.

Dear Dark skin girls: quit blaming light skin ppl for your own insecurities. just because lil wayne likes em long hair thick & redbone doesn't mean you have to hate on everyone who fits that criteria.

im sorry.. i just get mad at girls who claim that all light skin girls have an advantage over darker skin chicks..cuz we all know unattractiveness comes in ALL shades.

Its not that serious. If you think its unfair that you're dark, you have deeper insecurities than you know about.

You mad cuz you're bald? Buy some hair..

You wanna be lighter? Bleach your skin..

You mad cuz you not thick enough? Get you sum ass implants..

lol.. do it all. You better listen to Unpretty by TLC & shut the hell up. I do not want to hear the same sob story that "guys/celebrities prefer the exotic or lighter skinned girls with long hair.." so you're left out. poooey.

Shit is old. played out. i dont care.

guys are attracted to me.. and i'm a brown skinned girl with a tiny afro.

its not because you're dark.. its because you're ugly.

ice cream sundae

I've became celibate without even trying. Not like i'm craving anything now. I knew everything would be possible if i just TRIED. It feels good to know that I can follow my own rules. Im not against cuddling anymore. It can be very good at times to have that little bit of intimacy without having to go ALL the way.. or even to third base. Just enjoying that embrace.. Yeah thats nice.

I dont really have a crush right now.. Hmm. Interesting. But of course I do talk to my guys. Ahhh I think I should have more GAL pals now. Genuine girls tho, not these [beeeeeeep]s from the past.
Oh yeah, i work for the BGC of Walker County. I normally do arts & crafts. Dodgeball ONLY when some lil kid pisses me off. I LOVE hitting a child in the head. Makes me feel giddy inside ;)

I'm so creative. I gave my kids a project. We made Ice cream sundaes & popcorn out of construction paper :)

Bald & Beautiful

Since i've been working at the BGC, alot of peopel have asked me the big question: "WHY...?" You know the why dont you get a perm? Why dont you get weave? Why did you cut it? Why wont you do this.. that? You know THOSE questions.. and sometimes I just wanna say FUCK it. I'm tired of giving an explanation as for WHY i chose to do something to MYSELF that at the time just seemed to be a natural step. I didn't think about it. I just did it. I act on impulse. I mean I have reasoning behind it but I'm not trying to be SOMETHING.

I feel Solange soo much. She just cut her damn hair off because she FELT like it. Its JUST hair. If you shave/cut it you're trying to be like Cassie.. or Rihanna. Or Amber Rose. Personally I could care less about hair. I'm tired of wasting SO much money going to get my hair relaxed or pressed & curled when I could have been a wash-n-go girl like i am now. Solo Do you girl. Rock your baldness. Embrace your beauty. blahhh.
Oh & dnt get it twisted i LOVE Rihanna. this bitch is just too effin hot. & Amber Rose. You can't hate on her. gotta love it.

Ew. Hell no.

I've been outta the loop. really thought of what to write & what i'd title this but u know.. things change. i took nudies of myself. feel like releasing them to up my celebrity status that i dnt have, you know thats all us women want these days.

i keep attracting dumb ass dudes. which is a MAJOR turn off. ppl say im too hard on guys which may be true.. and at times i do come off KIAish.. ( but thats just how i am. mmkay so lemme tell u bout THIS nigga. & i say nigga cuz of the foolery he has spewed out. mmkay.

so last night we were outside conversing & he was really boring me so when the conversation goes dry, i try to spice it up by asking simple questions just to see where his head is at. the question was something along the lines of: "do you ever look up at the sky and wonder.. how big is space? how much "space" does space actually fill up? Does it ever end.." his response.

"Thats not my swag. I don't believe in fairy tales and dreams.."

now you know he got serious side eye action & a WOW.. ok. which means "ur such an idiot in bee liguistics. Who in the fuck doesn't believe in dreams?? And asking a simple question about the WORLD is categorized as REAL life. Have u never wondered why the sky is blue? My students (5&6) have more intriguing and stimulating conversations than HE SMH. Oh yeah, thats HIM. As you can see he has no real "swag" (i loathe that word.. i rather say personality & style) ok so he has no personality or style. soo wtf?! i mean, he was never my type to begin with.. wannabe goon & such but u know me, always giving ppl the chance to prove how stupid they are. all i need is 10mins & i know how you are. You see my face? yeah thats the face i give questionable persons. Maybe you know him.. Hahaha. call me paparazzi Bee. :)
The moral to this SAD story is.. Intelligence is the key to my heart :)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Last Night.

I'm laying on the couch watching King of the Hill & texting one of the new buds. As I am about to respond to a very SERIOUS question ;) My phone rings & look who it is: Ex Con. Ugh. I had been ignoring his calls ALL day so this was a bit much. For one, it was like 430am.. So of course he asks the usually questions you ask when you don't know what to talk about-- and soon states that he wants to come see me. I say, Come see me & do what? Clearly it has to be sexually related if a guy wants to see you early morning/late night. He says just to talk & to see if i'm really "ready for him". Excuse me sir- the line "you not ready for me" only worked in High school on silly girls who believe anything a dumb dumb says. Mmmkay. So where was I? Oh yeah so I said umm anyways.. He asks if I'm tired cuz I sound it- No, My back hurts.. He then says "well if i come over I can fix that.." Now see, I'm skilled in lines and deciphering what they mean so I automatically knew in the back of my head what he would say- he'd give a massage. So as I'm rolling my eyes I ask "How?".. Guess what this nigga says; "With whipped cream". Hell no. After about 10secs of simply chuckling, I say Boy Bye & hang up. WHAT a lame..

Ms. Type

Took a Quiz and got some answers.. idk. Whatever. enjoy

Ms. Second Place allows herself to be put in second place to everything else in her man's life. She may be second to his wife, his career, or his friends. She isn't a priority, she knows it, and she lives with it. She has forgotten what a special person she is, so she thinks she has to settle for second, when she deserves first place.

Ms. Sex Machine settles for physical and sexual intimacy when what she really wants is a relationship and emotional intimacy. She uses sex as a weapon to manipulate men and get what she wants (except a relationship!). She thinks she has to give away her most prized possession to buy a man's love and attention, when all she needs to do is allow her great personality to shine, and men will want to know more.

Ms. Soul Mate believes that life doesn't exist outside of dating so she wants every man she dates to be "the one." She doesn't know how to just enjoy dating a man while it lasts, and admit when there isn't a future for the relationship. One day she will find "the one." She just needs to take her time and wait for a man who is deserving of her love and commitment.

Ms. Bag Lady carries around a load of emotional "baggage" and she lets her old emotions adversely affect her new relationships. She let's her unresolved problems from the past ruin her present and future. Because she's been treated so poorly, she doesn't realize how wonderful and deserving of love she truly is.

Ms. Independent has been burned in love before so she won't let anyone get close to her for fear of getting hurt again. She would rather be alone than risk rejection. When she realizes that letting her guard down doesn't mean being taken advantage of, she can allow her inner light to shine, and men will flock to it.

why am i single?

So this was a topic on twitter. Why am I single? Is it simply because I choose to be or are there some qualities about me that make me too undesirable to be with? Food for thought I guess..

I know what My faults are.. Well some of them.

Sometimes I really do believe I think too much like a man. I even act like a Man towards Men. I emasculate them.. Thats why I'm single.

You must let a man be a man they say.. but I can't be a submissive woman. I refuse to cater to a person who thinks I'm beneath him.

I try so hard to prove that I'm a strong black woman and that I can do ANYTHING a man can do (which I can.. just show me once)

Sometimes I want a man but the reasons are purely physical.. woohoo. Other times i just need that companion.. What a tangled web I weave..

Or maybe I am just too crazy. Too much. I think too highly of myself. I do have a chip on my shoulder. I do think I'm the shit.

That's why I'm single.

Monday, July 20, 2009


Some shit just pisses ME off. Can't believe i shed a stupid lil tear. I swear.. You should make up your mind. Oh wait.. your mind is already made up. Hahaha.. They're alll the same when dealing with me. Ugh. Fuckery. I might as well just be ME now. I was being nice to you.. and everyone else. Guess everybody wants to see the bitch. Well you got her.

Fuck you. Who?! Everybody like you... and you. Especially you. I can not wait to wake up from this bullshit & smell the cherry bombs. Get a stiff drink. Light up. & Burn everything that reminds me of you. Belongs to you. I love fire. Yes I'm gonna have a burn party.. You're ALL invited ;)

wooooooo sahhhhhh

If you know me, you'd expect me to say this. It happens every year around this time. I try so hard to do the right thing.. but I just NEVER make it to the "right" side. I'm a rebel by nature. I may not be the most religious person but I am a Believer. I believe that I am here on this Earth for a purpose and that I'm supposed to live my life to standards that I don't always live up to.

With that being said.. I've been pondering about a situation for quite some time. Alot has been going through my little brain. I asked for a sign.. A signal to the right direction and I think I've found it. I know I saw the sign. It came as a surprise but right when I needed it nonetheless. I just wanted to know what I should be doing. If this path was right for me. I now know what I need to do. Its time to say goodbye.

I've been holding on to the past with dear life. I was trying to find that girl who got lost along the way.. I thought that by going back I would pick her up & start again. Wrong. That girl has moved on.. I just haven't caught up with her yet. I wanted to be the same. I didn't want things to change. I just wanted to be Happy. In my eyes happiness came with this sense of getting that back. All the long I should have just let it go.

Ahhh I really feel a bit more free right now. I have to do what is best for me. I have to face the music. I have to move on. It sucks but it is true. I'm not going to lie.. I still feel alone but I'm hoping that by me doing what I know is right some peace of mind will come along with it. I want to be happy but its not easy to be happy..

Have you ever tried to be happy.. forcing a smile on your face?? I told myself that I was going to embrace a change and move on but I can't.. I haven't. This really sucks. I don't know how to be me anymore. Everyone expects soo much. Perfection is not ME. I was never that girl.. I know I have to move on. I said I was moving on. But when you spend so much time on THAT you really don't know how to be You without IT.

Ahhhh. I just need to release these dragons. Breathe. Let it go. Ride it out... WOOOOOOOOO SAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Grown UP ish.. smh

I have a weave. I just wanted to see how my hair would look long & wavy. I like it. Easy to manage now.. The fro takes work. No, this doesn't mean that I'm not gonna rock my Frolicious anymore!! I love her. She is still there.. Under there. Waiting to be released :) Everyone knows i get really bored EASILY. I just like 2 switch things up a bit. So look at my round head. My wet n wavy weave. Enjoy. :)

Anywho, I'm in a weird state of mind. I'm frustrated of course. The last time i woohoo'd was.... EXACTLY.

I mean.. I have no one right now. Not even a buddy. I like the no woo hoo aspect but then again I still need a buddy. Not like a buddy buddy but a new team of guy friends ;) Like I really don't know why i can't just settle for less. Woops. Thats what I get for THINKING. & having standards.

The only guy that I kind of liked this summer has a girlfriend. The other guy is entirely a sour puss. Okay not really a sour puss but just too freakin goody goody for me. Like he is the exact opposite of me. I'm too much of a free spirit for him I suppose. Plus they all think im crazy..

It all hit the fan last night when I saw this guy i graduated with. He made sure to flash me his engagement ring & show me his 9 month old son. I really feel like the whole world is moving forward and i'm still ME. I haven't changed. That's why I change my hair so much. I want to grow too. I'm forcing a change on myself. I don't want to be the same old Bee. I want to be a grown up too =/

The whole plan is screwed up. I had it set. Graduate in 2011. Married in 2013. Kids by 2017. I've pretty much planned my wedding. I know where we're going to stay. I have looked at real estate. I had a plan. That plan just isn't gonna work. Ahh. It sucks but.. I'll make it work i suppose.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Hello, My name is Bee and I am not a mixed girl. I do not have "good" hair. I have FABULOUS hair. I am no vegan, peta supporting, incense burning, pro-Black, hippie retro mama but I did decide that NO more relaxing was the way to go.

It really pisses me off when I hear the term good hair. What is good hair? Mixed girl hair? White girl hair? Relaxed hair? Store bought hair? Please let me no. For the longest I always considered My hair my crown & glory. It was what set me apart from other black girls.. Unlike them, I had a pony tail that swung when i walked. I had hair that MOVED. All of the silly things I thought made me better than everyone else really set me BEHIND.

Now I'm natural. What is natural hair? Natural hair means that your hair has not been chemically altered aka no perm,relaxer.. chemical fire cream crack.. lol whatever. Me. I'm proud to say that i have NO permed/relaxed hair left in my head. Its ALLLL me. My God Given locks of glory :)
Yes! This is all me :) This isn't my hair styled. Just what happens after I co-wash and air dry (only 3hrs inside.. 1hr out) If i pick it out its a tad bit bigger. Paul Mitchell's skinny serum is AWESOME. No frizzie puff. Its actually quite lustrous looking. Oh and guess what?! I cant wait until i get to wear my big fro. Its absolutely FAB!!! New pics tomorrow of it styled and what not.. the infamous FRO-hawk and Fro-dette. :)

No worries. I'm not against relaxers. & I will have a weave soon.. Only because I wanna see how i'll look with big poufy weave before my hair grows out :) Yay Bee!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I'm not a big fan of cuddling. I kind of hate it. I have to really like you to do it. I've had bad experiences with cuddling. One time this guy fell asleep whilst we were cuddling. Ask me why he drooled on my chest. ew.. MY BARE chest!! eeeeeek!!! I dont like drool on me. & then he just wiped it off and it just smeared and he said my bad.. Um gross. Yeah so I never cuddled with him again.

Another time I was in bed. My bed. I rolled over in my sleep and he punched me in my nose!! Ouch. Yeah. Never again I said I was gonna cuddle with him.

But I must admit sometimes I do enjoy cuddling with a guy.. Other times I need my space. Its sooo hot & body heat makes things even worse. I just like to be by myself. My own space. Chillen by myself.. Unfortunately some guys want to cuddle.

The next guy I cuddle with I'll tell him I love him. Lol. It gets that serious.

I haven't had any contact with the opposite sex in quite some time. I'm kind of liking this. My buds have texted & tweeted & fbook'ed quite alot tho.

Thats pretty much it. Sorry if you were expecting something else. Just a cuddling story.

.... Untitled?

I realized that my father is just a lover of long hair & really hates that I cut all this shit off. I can't please everyone with my hair.. And if you know, you would have figured out by now that I am a big rebellious bitch who does thing just because people say I should not or won't look good with it.

The initial cut came after everyone said I wouldn't look right with a short cut. Boo. I can pull anything off. I did it & i looked fab. Next stop was just to let it grow out.. it grew quite quickly. Had to get it cut and shaved in January.. No perm since nov. Sooo eventually my hair got to a point where my flat iron wasn't doing shit but pressin my curls down. So now I rock my fro.

My Hair is very weird. My edges are really smooth & soft.. Not nappy like my new growth used to be.. but now that i think about it, my edges were never rough when I had relaxers. Its the middle thats the most coiled & hard to manage. I have sooo many corkscrew curlers back there. ridiculoso. And the front and sides are just wavy. Can't wait until I get more length. No worries the cam will be up and working by friday. NEW pics!!!

Plus the buddy wants to see new pics of me :) Yess I'm still crushing. Ahhh If I was a cuddler, he would be my cuddle buddy.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Sober Slumber Part One

Today I was bored. I woke up feeling rather odd & almost believed that I had died in my sleep. That sensation only lasted a minute. Eyes still closed I fumbled through my pillows until I found my sleeping baby. My cell. Quickly looked at it to see who had tried to contact me during my slumber. No one. Rubbed my eye & peeled away the remnants of sleep that still remained. Stumbled out of bed and made my way to the kitchen. Nobody was home.. but me. Called mother to find out where my family was. Maybe I was dead. Maybe death is just YOU bein in the world alone?? Luckily she answered. I Knew I wasn't dead. Whew. Mother told me that my family all spent the night away from home. Only I was there. What do I do? Watch a movie? No..

Nothing is on that I want to see. Decided to clean. Those dishes have been in the sink since yesterday evening. The lazy fuckers who live here refused to clean up. Ten blue cups layed stacked on top of each other. A black pot that still had dried up grits inside. Ew. I hate dirty dishes. So many blue bowls were there too. I was utterly astonished at how there are no kids in this house yet its disgusting. Ahh.. So I buckled down and washed ALL the dishes. Even those I didn't dirty up. Only for my mother. She shouldn't have to come home and clean up after a house full of grown fuckers. Of course I was awarded for my cleaning up. Mother says Im the only one who helps her. I didn't do it for the awardment later. I just got tired of having a dirty kitchen.

Mother informed me that Aunt Janie is hosting a candle party later on this evening. I felt like getting pretty for it. My first time going to Houston in a few weeks. I pulled out the white dress I altered. It once was a past the knee joint I wore for orientation during the white dress ceremony. I cut and sewed it into a cute mini dress. I added a black belt of course. Black is my favorite color. I washed my hair and fixed my frohawk. I only have two products in it right now. Gel. Old school gel. The type thats brown/black and wet.. And my trusting curl moisturizer that has a faint after smell. Now it is gone. Whew. While dressing, guy friend texted. He got drunk the night before. I wonder why he abruptly stopped the texting. I realize that I haven't had alcohol since May. Am I trying to stop drinking??

After I got dressed, I ate some left over tacos. I always feel like I'm Mexican when I eat their cuisine. The cup of kool-aid made me feel black again. Once my meal was finished I began to twitter. Interesting conversations commenced. I always wonder things & state my inquiries via the web. One stood out. Sex. Of course thats me. My followers hate me because I flood the walls. Sorry people. Unfollow me if you don't it. I only want to know why oral sex isn't considered real sex. You can get STDs from Oral. I think I've written too much. This is just a recollection of my morning.. & the start of my day.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Guess I'll See Ya Next Lifetime..

Of course I have the hugest crush on a guy.. And he has a girlfriend. Womp womp. How obvious that I would want someone else man candy. I can't help it. We talk all day EVERY day. Each day I learn something new about him & he about me. It's like we're weirdly connected in some way.

While having a random conversation he asked me where I wanted to live after graduation. Now i've thought of this before but could never figure it out.. But since I hate wearin coats & layers.. and I don't like sweating.. I need dry heat. So I chose Vegas. I visited. Loved that I walked the whole strip yet didn't sweat. Its always busy. Plus I won't have to worry about stupid grass. lol. Ironically enough that's where he wants to live. Weird. Then last night he texted and asked what I was doing.. I had just finished watching Horton Hears a Who on HBO. So did he..

Coincidence? I think NOT. I don't know anymore.. I like him. I can't have him. He's with her. Of course he has said that he would rather be with me or something close to that.. maybe that he would LIKE to be with me. Bleh..

I even told him myself that he'd never leave her. lol. I'm not stupid. He has history with her. That will overshadow any fun spontaneity and new adventures I bring. I can't help it. Guys always wonder how the grass is over here on my side but it never works. I'm like that free spirit that ppl say they want & need but in the end they settle on the one with the box'd in attitude. The normal girl. The typical woman.

I'm no sorority chick. I don't like being made up 24/7. I like rockin my fro. I could care less about what other's think about me.. I like watchin cartoons. I dont care about the nutritional value of my food. I wear oversized tshirts & cut off sweats most days. I'm a plain jane with extraordinary flare. I throw on some jeans and a tee & guys think I'm attractive. I dont try. I thought that by down playing the sex appeal dudes would stay back. Eh complete opposite. Maybe I should be the cookie cutter Spelmanite. Get long hair. And be flirty. Ahhh.. then i'll be that bland chick. the one like the other..

I talk shit to people.. and guys think i'm flirting. No i'm just a bitch. Then dudes always say you're not confident when i downplay their compliments. Im oozing with confidence. I just hate that everything that you say about my body is what i'm trying to change. You can only get attention for being curvy for so long. I've had an ass since birth. Dudes have called in big since Elementary. I kid you not. BP & Hammer. 1st grade. Music room. XTRA XTRA is what they called me. Bad asses.

Girls think that they want hips & thighs. Nice boobs. All that. The body i've been tryin to destroy by not workin out. Uh yeah. This shit sucks. Guys forget that you have a brain and are actually a pretty awesome woman bc of ur ass. That's why I talk shit. Hurt their feelings. & keep love far away. Bc in the end they're fallin in love with the exterior. Maybe i'll marry a blind man. At least I'll know he's listening to me and what i have to say..

And to that boy. Mister.. yeah. Im kinda over it now. He's lusting over me. He loves his girlfriend. Blah. They deserve each other. I can find better (wishful thinking..) Guess I'll see you next lifetime. (thanks erykah..)

Beautiful Nightmare

(I like that song title better than Sweet Dreams lol)

So as you can probably already tell.. I kind of have a love/hate relationship with Beyonce. Now I love her & I can get with just about anything she does but I am a true fan and will say when something is not up to par. I expect soo much more from her. Single Ladies was definitely the highlight from the album. Especially with the videos. After that they all became the same. Bey dancin in a leotard/black & white video/ maybe some gold colors accented. monotonous. Diva basically sucked. Ego wasn't much better. At least she changed the hair. But Sweet Dreams is different. I get it.. I still love Bey. She just needs a break. Have a kid with JayZ.. take a year off and come back & KILL it like she did the first album Dangerously In Love. That's my favorite album of hers actually. Can't you tell? Gift from Virgo is my anthem. And you probably hear it NOW :)

Now on to MY mind. I had the craziest dream that I got a toy.. It was a fake snake charming kit. Like you assembled it yourself. First was this big black tin.. you set the drum muslin over the top, and the lid.. Then u beat a drum.. but u were initially beating the drum holding the snake (fake & wooden ) & then I would beat the drums on my legs & the damn snake came after me.. I was near a pool and ran from it. The wooden snake chased me.. So i quit drumming. lol. so weird.. the thing bit me. Random as hell.. My aunt was takin pictures of me & i couldn't make the right face like i was trying to hard to look happy.

Then i woke up. Checked my phone to see if anyone texted while i was sleeping. Nope. "How I wish how I wish I could be with you right now..." el fin.