It’s like you’re screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. & when its over and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.
Download @theycallmeBK's new EP "Every Girl" now at http://bit.ly/BeeKayEP !! I am really feeling Miss Bridget Kelly. My favorite's off the EP are "Thinking About You" (written by Frank Ocean. I'm sure you've heard his version) & "In The Morning".
The last few years of my life have been extremely hard. I went from knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life.. to being homeless. Yes, homeless. Nowhere to live. Nowhere to go. With all of my worldly possessions in my backpack.
That no job thing is REAL. Do you know how it feels to not even be hired to work at a fast food place? Like damn. I cant flip burgers? I looked everywhere for a job. I went to the work source faithfully. I filled out numerous job applications & I never got called back for an interview. I was wondering "Is it my hair? Should I perm it? Should I get a weave? Is this why I'm not getting hired?" Surely McDonald's wouldn't mind my afro-- yet not even a fast food joint would call me back. When you have $0 in your bank account & bouncing from couch to couch-- shit gets REAL.My parents really did kick my ass out.. & only let me move back in after I begged & begged & showed I was looking for a job.
But i thank my parents sooo much for kicking me out. That homeless shit aint no joke.
I remember one night.. I just wanted to sleep in a BED. Thats it. But i literally had nowhere to go...
I was walking down the road with just my phone, backpack with a few clothes & my laptop. But I had NO money & nowhere to go. So here I am, walking aimlessly down the road, tired, feet hurting, pretending like I'm working out so no one would wonder "Why is this girl walking down the street with a book bag?" I just went to this park, sat down on the bench & cried. I cried for at least an hour. I just wanted to know WHY I had to go through so much shit? Why was I so unhappy? I usually cry over the usual "Why am I so lonely? Why can't I find real love.." crap but this cry was intense. I talked to God & I asked for a little guidance, help.. ANYTHING. That's all I wanted. For God to show me a way to go..
Almost instantly, my friend called & asked me to come stay with her bc she hated being in her apt alone. She doesn't know it but, she saved me.
That's why I LOVE my friends & they can get anything from me & never have to pay me back because ALL of them had my back when I had NOTHING. Yes, nothing. Of course if I had cried enough I probably could have went home to my parents but I had too much pride to go back. My friends didn't even know that I was starving but they'd invite me over & be like "hey.. we're cooking.." or invite me to sleep on their couches.
It was even worse for me because I felt like an even bigger failure. Dropped out of school.. Unemployed..
and everyone who I was sooo much smarter than had houses & cars & living fabulous lives with NO college education & my smart ass had nothing. I couldn't even afford to feed myself! But I had my hustle on. I did some photography work for $80 here & there.. $50 for judging some cheer shit. No one can say I sat on my ass because I got money anyway I could & I've never been one to ask for anything. No help. I just wanted a JOB. I didnt want someone to give me money. I just wanted a job.
I've never told Jasmine, Brooke or Tonya this, but I REALLY thank them for letting me stay with them those months.
Like they really didn't know how serious it was... but I was really going through a lot. And the little shit they did meant the world to me.
You never know how you'll receive your blessings or who will be the one to bless you. Prayer works. Just keep praying yall.
Have you ever been hungry? I really went days without eating. I was so hungry I'd cry. But I was too ashamed to ask anyone for food. I would literally cry because I was so hungry. Looking in my wallet hoping that those few cents have magically multiplied so that I could finally afford to get a dollar burger or a bag of chips-- Anything. I was really STARVING. But I never let anyone know that. So yea, i may not like my job. I may hate working early or getting off at midnight, but I know I refuse to be hungry again.
Plus, I'm already $20,000 in debt from Student Loans ALONE.
Let's not talk about my sophomore year at Spelman when I didn't even have housing! I slept on floors.
I slept on the floor of MJ.. I slept on couches in the lounge. I really had nowhere to go then too until one of my friends dad HELPED me.
He paid my tuition. I didn't even ask him too but he paid my WHOLE tuition for that semester. Even paid my rent for me & his daughter.
It sucks when both of your parents are working hard.. and they're trying to support you, pay your tuition while taking care of themselves.
You feel like a burden to your family because they cant afford to give you money every month, but they still do.
So that's the REAL reason I left Spelman. I was so stressed that I had no money for ANYTHING & I hated feeling like a charity case.
I even had a nervous breakdown in the middle of class.. ran out.. and went straight to see the psychologist on campus.
You have to decide.. is it worth it to go to the school of your dreams if your family will have to struggle? Can you be THAT selfish?
My dad worked overtime EVERY single day for two years just so he could continue to send me money. EVERYDAY.
I felt like I was being selfish that all these people were working so damn hard just for ME..
& I felt like my parents would get sick from working so hard when they really didnt have to. & if they died, who would i have then?
So i made the decision that I would pay for school MYSELF. That's why I haven't bought a car yet. I dont go shopping...
I'm determined to do everything MYSELF. I work hard for myself. So that one day my parents wont have to work so damn hard.
This #OccupyWallStreet & other protests that have been going on lately really have hit home for me. This recession is REAL. It affects all of us. Who would have thought that one day I'd have to think about where my next meal would come from? Never imagined that I could be homeless.
You have people who have worked their asses off just to go to school & get in MORE debt and they STILL can't find a job? Not even one getting minimum wage?! I will never complain about my job again. From being homeless to having my own apartment in less than a year? Yes! God is so real!
I think I'm finally over my ex. This was sparked by the #ThanksToMyEx #TT on twitter. Yea, I know. How Ironic. I've come to realize that my ex really wasn't that bad to me. Yes, he played with my emotions.. lied.. strung me along--- all that good shit but... I'm ok. Because of him, I really know who I am now. I know what I want in a relationship and I know what I can't handle. I know that sounds cliche as fuck, but he really did help me A LOT. He met me at a time when I really didn't know who I was. I was so lost. He helped me find myself. He gave me more power than anyone. He showed me how love felt.. and how it feels when love leaves. I know how it feels to be hurt. I know how it feels to have all of your feelings put out there and for shit still to fail. I know how it feels to know that regardless of how you feel, it doesn't matter unless the other person feels the same way.
Because of him, I'm not afraid to love. I'm not afraid to be myself. I'm not afraid to be blunt.
I was 21 years old when I first experienced real grape juice... Before then I'd only had artificially flavored grape soda & grape drink out the jug which CLEARLY said it "does not contain any juice" from any fruit, let alone grapes. Now I ask, if it wasn't grape... what made it taste so 'purple'?!
Grape juice.. clearly states that it's made from GRAPES! & its 100% juice!!
No mention of JUICE at all on this jug of erem.. grape drink.. *sigh* Then what is IT? Purple & Water
the dreaded "artificially flavored..." grape soda.
Just realized that its SUNDAY & of course I did my hair. SMH.
Today's regimen? Hopped in the shower & cowashed Ursula (fro) with a combination of Aussie Moist Conditioner & Suave Professionals Almond & Shea Butter Conditioner. Added more water for "slip" and finger detangled completely. While the conditioner soaked into my drenched strands, I finished showering then finally rinsed with luke warm, then cool water. Afterwards, with hair still dripping wet, I applied Cantu Shea Butter Conditioning Repair Cream (leave in) all over my curls, then followed with oiling hair with jojoba & hemp seed oil. Once hair was completely oiled, I grabbed my old faithful Kinky Curly Curling Custard and applied to hair (still somewhat dripping wet). Then I let air dry like normal. I will be trying to stretch this wash-n-go by donning a twist out/braid out and then eventually my faithful high bun/puff. Weave is coming soon. I find myself spending too much money on hair products so I'm trying to use all of my OLD products up before I buy anything else (._.) --- it's just no longer in the budget to splurge since I have to save for my car & new apartment *sigh*.
Have you ever felt like dying? Have you ever honestly wanted to die because you just couldn't deal with life anymore? Have things ever been so overwhelming you figured the only way to have SOME type of escape was to take your own life?? I hate to admit it but I have. I honestly feel like I wouldn't be missed if I died. Sometimes I think that no one would care if I didn't speak another word.. or wrote another blog.. or tweeted anything ever in life. I know that's really pathetic but it's true. I know I have people who love me.. I know that. But that still doesn't change the fact that I feel very much alone in the world. I honestly have NO one I can talk to. I thought that twitter would be useful but every time I get in one of my moods I'm accused of being an attention seeker. I just want someone to listen. I can't live with these thoughts in my head anymore. Shit literally hurts me. My only escape is writing. I just get so overwhelmed with life and I know I can be doing so much more.... and I'm not doing it. I just feel so alone.
Am i finally ready to let it all go.....?
Idk. I honestly don't know. But even as I write this I can feel the sadness in my eyes. I feel the tears forming. I feel the urge to cry. I refuse. I am stronger than that. I cannot let my emotions run my life. I have to be an adult and suck it up. Whatever we had was not meant to be more.
You know what, fuck it. I'm done pouring my heart out. No one is listening. No one reads this shit. It's fuckin pointless. My heartache isn't amusing.. it isn't entertaining. There is no lesson to be learned from this. It's just life.
Listen, no matter how hard you love someone, you can't make them LOVE you back. You cannot force someone to care about you as much as you care about them.
That's the lesson I had to learn. I may be sad for now.. even a bit bitter, but I refuse to go back. Why try to force someone to be with you? Why settle for just being someone he can fuck whenever he's horny. I'm done being his little whore. He made me feel like scum. Dirty. Worthless. Some days I honestly woke up wanting to die. Wishing that I would slip into an eternal sleep just so I wouldn't have to face reality. Spent many nights drinking alone. Refused to face reality. But now I am ready to move on.