My Curves Are Enticing

My life has been a bit of crazy as of late and today I finally had alone time to sit down and write about something that has been plaguing my mind as of late. 

The Rape Culture. 

It's alarming how many people believe that women who are raped are asking for it. Based on your appearance, you are enticing men and these men shouldn't be punished for acting on instinct! 

Wait. What? 

Yes. My body and the way I walk or talk is enticing to men so if one were to touch me without my consent, it's my fault and not his. 

How can people think this way? A few months ago, I fell asleep at my (former) friend's house. I wore an oversized Huntsville Hornets Basketball tshirt and baggy maroon sweats. I slept on an air mattress in the corner of her living room covered in my plush pink blanket.  I was awakened by something or someone rubbing on my thigh/butt while I slept. Now, everyone who knows me will tell you that I HATE to be disturbed in my sleep. So for about 10seconds I really thought "why is someone rubbing me? I'm not at home and I didn't spend the night with my #bae". I slowly rolled over to see my friend's boyfriend as the person who was touching me in my sleep. I look him in the eyes and to my surprise he keeps on running his hands over the whole circumference of my ass-- in a very creeperish manner. I ask him "what the fuck are you doing?" And he stops. Runs to the opposite end of the room and pretends like nothing happened and continued to play his rented play station. 

Now that's all I will reveal of that story because the other details piss me off. 

I felt violated. I sought counsel from an unbiased 3rd party after I told my friend and she basically said that she didn't believe me because her boyfriend said he was trying to get something that fell on me in my sleep-- and after going off and being labeled dramatic. The guy said "Well you do have a big butt so I mean are you sure you didn't entice him?" Basically because of my body type I should be okay with guys touching me without my consent. I should be raped because somehow the way my body is shaped is attractive to these savage men, and by nature a man cannot control his desires. 

Is this what we are teaching our children? As a woman I should remain covered up and be ashamed of my body because my curves are enticing to men. 

Why are we not teaching young boys to grow up to be respectful and protective of women? Why are we teaching them that rape is essentially ok? Why are we teaching them that they don't have to respect a woman and her body? 

So blame it on me. If my hips weren't so wide, my behind so shapely and boobs so perky, I wouldn't have to deal with a guy being so enticed by my body that he cannot stop his urges to touch me inappropriately. My lips covered in Riri Woo is sending off the signal that I'm willing to kiss anyone. My eyes seduced the man so much that regardless of what my red tinted lips screamed, he still felt compelled to rip my dress off me. My hands punched at him; I kicked and tried to push him off of me but he easily overpowered me and my efforts to protect myself from him were in vain. And even though I fought so hard he ignored my cries for him to stop as his hands pried my legs apart and enjoyed what was between them because he knew what my body wanted. Ignoring the tears that streamed down from those eyes he felt seduced him; the pain became his joy. Ignoring the screams of "No" and "Please stop" were reduced to screams of joy and he heard YES. The hands that punched and legs that kicked to keep him off of me were just me playing hard to get because he knew what I wanted and my body was his. 

Photographic Memories: 2013

Nnenna Jas & Jigg

Brooklynn

My Bff Tanya Love

My baby sis; Shena

Smh

Nnenna

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Quen & Teri

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Jae & Teri: Bridesmaids

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My beautiful Mother; Sheila.

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Tanya 

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

Never settle.

And I mean this in EVERY aspect of life-- but definitely never settle in a relationship.

I settled. For years I settled for the almost & not quite guys instead of exactly what I was looking for. I'm confident in every aspect of my being UNTIL it comes to my love life.

For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for love. I've read all the books about it; Watched all the movies; Listened to all the songs. I have worked diligently for years trying to find that LOVE that young girls dream about. I planned my wedding when I was 8. I knew I'd be married at 22 & have kids by 24. I knew all of this. At 25, I don't have any of it. I have nothing.

Why? Because I settled.

One day I woke up and felt that I wasn't good enough for what I truly wanted so I just took what was placed in front of me and ran with it. Maybe that's not 100% true but i really don't feel like going into the depts of why I am this way.

I fall hard & fast. Either I love you or I don't care about you at all. This isn't healthy. It's hard for me to just be single because I was always trying to prove to myself & everyone else that I wasn't the girl that couldn't get a man. Nothing was wrong with me! I can keep a man! So I dealt with so much shit. I put up with more than most people because I was afraid of being alone. Looking around & you see everyone you went to high school with married with children and you're just like... "What about me? What did I do wrong??"

I did everything i was supposed to do in my eyes. I guess i just stayed with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

I settled. Never took a break between men. It was always #OnToTheNextOne because my girl Beyonce taught me that men were definitely not Irreplaceable and I could certainly have another one in a minute.. and he was literally there in a minute. Infidelity. Lies. Hurt. Man... I been through it all.

All for Love. All for this idea that a 25 year old single woman is an anomaly. We are damaged goods. Old news. Spoiled milk. I don't have kids but my ex has two and they aren't by me!? I'm definitely not doing it right. There is just so much going wrong with my life and I felt like I was going to drown in my own sorrows. My tears became invisible but I still wept for the children I never had.

Is this what my life has become? All of my friends are having babies now. And I've never felt more alone.

It's a very weird feeling. I'm happy for them.. but I felt horrible. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn't able to enjoy the Love that was growing inside of them for my own selfish reasons and I hated myself for it. Why can't I be in love? Why can't I be a mother? Why can't I start a family? I was a mess.

One day I decided to leave my pity party. I realized that 25 wasn't the end but merely the beginning. Everyone doesn't have to have kids so early in their 20s. Everyone doesn't have to be with a guy just because they've been together a long time and starting over at this age is a death sentence.

I am happy. I will fall in love with whomever God has chosen for me. I will have children if & when God says is right for me.

I wasted so many years trying to make something work with the wrong guy and putting up with nonsense because I was afraid to be alone but... being alone is nice. The silence is very much loud. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at times but I am ok. No more settling.

I Rather Suffer Alone Than Settle

New Orangey & Purple: We Can't Stop Twerking

New Orangey & Purple featuring Biley Myrus


I hate when beige folk get ahold of something our community has been doing for years. They always ruin it. Ying Yang Twins made that "Whistle While You Twerk" song like 10 years ago i believe. And actually before it was called twerking it was just booty shaking. Been dancing like that all my life.