The may be the realest ish I ever wrote. Ughh..
I read my old diary land posts from back in 2003-2006. Yes when I was a heavy online diary having. Before blogs became so popular. I read this one entry and I swear I was near tears. In six years, you would think that I would grow.. Unfortunately I realize that the same problems that occupied my mind, the same insecurities that consumed me way back then-- they STILL bother me today. I just can't understand how I thought that I was over some things and I look in the mirror and the problem is still the same. I know my faults. I know what I need to work on but.. Idk. Its just a continuous cycle of the same bullshit. You'd think I'd be so far above that shit but I'm not. See I said "shit". You know I'm mad cuz I'd usually just say ish.
I just want to fuckin scream at myself. To mend my somewhat scorned mental I began on a quest to find the replacement. Nothing long term, just something to take my mind off the drama that was that nigga. It worked for awhile but obviously something is wrong with my psychotic ass since I still fall for the same niggas. On the outside everything looks as if we would be the best thing smokin but oooh NO. Hell no. He's just like the last one. Ignorant fucker. He plays the same game. He thinks I'm crazy..
Maybe I am crazy because every guy that I'm involved with always says the same thing. That I'm crazy crazy crazy. That i have issues. But maybe they just can't handle the fact that I'm intense. And this is with everything that i do. If I like you, I like ONLY you. If I want you.. I intensely want you. If I love you its the deepest love ever.
I can't handle intense things which is why I push certain niggas to the side as just a friend or physical connection. Its my own downfall. I know. I am my own worst enemy. The sad thing is I know this. I don't want to be caught up in something intense and put my all in something for it to fail.
And this all goes right freakin back to high school. FUCK. I'm done with my own sob story. Memoirs of a Future Spinster