Saturday, December 20, 2008

Make Over.

For the past couple of weeks I have really been thinking that it is indeed time for a change.. From the inside. I feel as if, now is the time for me to start practicing what I preach. I say so much that is good and is followed by others but I do not partake in it.. I stay in the back and do all of my WRONG while trying to tell others that they should not do as i do, but do as i SAY. I can not be who I want to be if i act in such a way that I do not want to be friends with myself. My philosophy:

Write down all the qualities that you would love to have in a partner or friend. Then write down certain things that you just CAN NOT stand for them to possess.
Now, look at that list and see which qualities that you have yourself..
Damn. Can you even be in a relationship with yourself? Probably not.

Like my number one no no is Liars. I hate them, but how often do I lie?? ALOT. So if I can't be honest how can I expect anyone else to?

So for this reason I am erasing everything from my past and starting over. Only those written in pencil will be erased though. People or things that I wrote in marker, shall remain. Figure out if you are pencil'd in or mark'd in lol :):):)

So I wrote a text to my friend mea.. Explaining my plan of course.. I'm considering the celibacy route. Just because I feel that I need to have a complete void of intimacy on every level. I am erasing everything from my life so that should be one aspect as well.

Most of my relationships end because the guy thinks that I'm crazy or bi polar.. when really its just that he does not "GET" me. He can not even begin to grasp the depth of my intellect. He does not understand that I speak metaphorically or in Iambic pentameter at times.
He does not understand that everything that comes out of my mouth is not just word vomit, its actually how I feel.
He does not understand Me.

Its not his fault. Our mental levels just are not compatible. I need a mental connect first.

Last night, while driving down 610, I became really sad.. Kind of the way my heart feels now. Very heavy. And I asked myself, why are you not happy? What would make you happy? I looked around and I saw that I have nothing to show for 20 years of life.

I have given so much to others but nobody has ever given me anything. I always get the "short end of the stick". I never get out what I put in and I put in soooo much. I put my heart into it.. and I don't get anything back that matters.

I don't know why though.. They tell me so much and it all turns out to be completely false.

I am lonely. I am empty. I have no reason to be happy. This is not how my life should me.

I have changed my appearance. I cut my hair. I have dressed completely down. I have tried to be as pedestrian as they come. Only because I felt that erasing my outter would somehow affect my inner self. It didn't work. I was happier before when I was just that girl..

I can't be that girl anymore though. I have to be a woman. I have to show my growth. I need to healed. I need to be loved. I need so much. I need happiness. I can not help it though.

I need my solace and my peace of mind. I need to be in my own zone. I do not have the time or energy to not be ME.


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