Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Message from a Younger Me

2005-07-29 - 2:44 a.m.

The last time I said "I loved you", I truly thought that I meant what i said. I mean, what I saw as love, he only saw as Good Sex. I sacrificed so much to be near him, not with him but near him. People would constantly try to tell me that i could do better and that he wasn't the one for me but i knew deep down in my heart that he was. I'd pray to God many nights asking for him to be mine again. I was even willing to give up some of myself just so i could be apart of him. I wanted him, i needed him but he just didn't feel the same for me. For the longest time I knew that he didn't really like me but still I knew that I had enough love inside of me for the both of us. My self esteem was so low back then. Growing up where you're constantly ignored by boys except for when they talk about your ass is really damaging. I never had a real boyfriend. Seems as if I was searching for love but the love I wanted was really just attention. I wanted to be like the other girls. I wanted to have guys throw themselves at me. I wanted my phone to ring nonstop. I wanted to be held closely by someone who actually liked me for ME. Thats all i wanted. But I didn't get nothing like that. All i got to show for the last three years of my life is a broken heart. I can't forgive myself for being so dumb. I've cried so many tears. Forget crying a river, i've cried freaking oceans.. Many oceans. I try to look strong on the outside and act like it doesn't bother me but it still does. What i saw in my eyes as true love was really just stupidity under rose colored glasses. You know you're stupid when you're willing to fight another female over a nigga who aint even yours. Then when it all comes down, he's laughing about the situation and at you. I'm tired of looking stupid. I'm tired of being the other chick. I'm tired of being just another chick you can call at 2 AM wanting to know if my parents are home. I'm tired of feeling used and abused after each time I have sex.

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