I never knew how he truly felt about me until December. But thats typical for the men in my life. I either choose the ones who never want to express themselves or the guy that cries every other minute. I mean, it truly hurts when you don't know if he actually cares for you as much as you care for him. This scenario dates wayy back to my high school days...
It was an ordinary night for me. The young one came and picked me up from my house and we proceeded to drive around.. Well of course we got to his house and he wanted to do things but I wanted to talk. I had questions.. --He had no answers.
Frustrated, he decides he's going to take me home. As we get closer and closer to my casa, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I put my head down, then look out to window trying to conceal this sadness that had suddenly come over me. I was supposed to be mad not CRYING. Why couldn't I convert this weak emotion into something strong as Hate and ANGER?! He stops his jeep. Tells me to get out. I don't move. He says it again..
"Man.. please just go.."
But I can't go. Not until I tell him. I look at him, and for the first time he sees tears on my face. It startles him.. I never expressed this emotion to him before. One simple question I ask..
"Why?".. For the first time he could see my emotions plainly expressed on my face. From my teary eyes to my streaked makeup.
He doesn't say a word. Again I ask, this time angrily-
"WHY?! Why can't you just say how you feel?!"
"I do say what I feel.. Man just go." He finallys says motioning for me to just leave him alone.
"Please tell me when have you ever told me how you felt? Never!" I scream in his face. This time I'm grabbing his shoulders. Trying to shake out any sense into that brain of his.. Wondering why he can't express himself to me..
He looks at me finally noticing the tears falling down my face in torrential floods and quickly asks me that one stupid question: "Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm tired.." I finally say to him looking directly at him. "When its just you and me... everything is cool. But whenever you're around people you have to make it seem like i'm bothering you or I'm the one that ALWAYS calls you. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm stupid and chasing after you when I'm not. Its not fair.. so please, tell me Why- Why do you have to act like that?"
"Look man I don't know.. I don't be meaning that stuff. I just be frontin.."
I look him in the eye.. I know he's telling the truth but from that moment I knew that it was all a lost cause. He couldn't tell his boys that he actually had feelings for me.. Or that he actually liked hanging around me.. Or that we were really good friends. We were beyond cool. Me and him.. It was destiny I thought. I could go on in my life with just being his friend but he had to make things complicated throwing around different emotions when he knew he couldn't commit. He knew he was too young to really just be up front with his boys and say man.. I really care about her.. instead of the she crazy.. she just don't understand NO.
I'm shocked. I can't say anything else to him. I just laugh to myself, wipe away those embarrassing tears and get out of his car. As I'm walking up my driveway, I glance back and look at him. I see him with his head down, obviously thinking. About what? I have no clue.. Never asked. Always wondered. After thirty seconds He finally leaves. I guess he saw me looking at him. It became too much for me to handle so I just went into my room and cried. I wasn't crying over sadness. It was just too much to finally hear what I had been telling myself for years.
Funny thing about that, I still stayed close to him. It didn't change much about our friendship.. I mean it took months before we spoke again but things improved alot. We actually communicated. We were really friends.. but finally I realized that I wanted more than just a friend so I had to let go. Didn't talk to him for nearly a year. Then one day I decide to randomly call him. I was overjoyed to hear his voice. December 2007. We talked for awhile.. about me being in Atlanta & the normal catch up talk. I was supposed to call him back but I never did..
That winter break we reconnected once more... but thats for another time. We haven't spoken since then.. and i'm not in the least bit sad about it. Everything happened for a reason. Those situations I went through during my teen years affect me today, but i've grown from them. I know i was burned but I just call it a Lesson Learned. Maybe we have unfinished business, maybe not. I just can't wait to see him one day with his wife, say hello to them, congratulate him on his nuptials, wish them well, and go about my daily way..
[[I'm working on a compilation book.. here's a snippet. The direction: An indepth look into love & war and how to take it as it IS. idk.. random scramblings]]