Monday, February 2, 2009

This Time.

John Legend. Love him. When i first heard this song I had just had a lil tiff with Garfield. And then i began to think about how loveless my life is... AND no matter how hard I try to put up this wall around my heart, some fool finds a crack and gets in. Then i'm hurt. My heart can't take it.. Even now as I type i actually FEEL it aching a bit.

I wonder how it could be this time around if I just did things a little big differently.. And i'm not even talking bout Garfield. I didn't love him. It was purely physical. Duh.. I'm talkin bout the one who I think I let get away.. I never knew how he felt about me until it was too late. I didn't think that I still had those feelings but here they are coming again. Streaming down my face..

Do you know how it feels to NOT want to love someone?
How it feels to know that regardless of what happens you won't ever be with them.. How it feels to know that you could be lying in bed with them at this very moment looking at them while they sleep. So peaceful. Such a beautiful face.

You lay your head on his chest and FEEL him LIVING. Your heartbeat is in sync with his heartbeat and you're breathing together. YOu can feel him as the blood pumps through his veins. You smell the scent of his cologne.. YOU see How your hand feels inside of his.

You just stare at him... and think HE should be mine. You can picture him layin beside you every night for the rest of your life. YOu can see yourself lookin down upon his smiling face as he is down on bended knee. You visualize walking down to meet him & become his wife. You can feel the intensity of love that you may one day have for him when he is no longer just your friend but your lifetime lover.

Then you wake up from that fairy tale and notice that he won't be able to lay beside you at night.. That you can't see him smile at you every morning while he says "good morning beautiful". You won't get the chance to hear his voice everyday because he is 1,000 miles away.. You won't have the chance to wonder what could have been..

I'm ready for love but at what cost? Should you have to love from afar? I know love conquers all but at point does the disclaimer come about?? You say that you can see yourself being with me and that you feel that i am the sense of joy you've been looking for and that you think that i will COMPLETE you yet you're pushing me away by talking to three other girls?? I don't get it.. this confuses me.. Why are you pushing me away??


Jessica said...

i ask myself that all the time... why is he pushing me away when there is no one else who will ever look at him the way i do?

Bee Michelle said...

its a very hard place to be... Especially when they say exactly what you need and want to hear.. but at the same time they admit to pushing you away because they like you "too much"? how is that possible??

sometimes i feel like he's just afraid that if i turn out to be not the one he'll just be heartbroken. smh