Saturday, January 31, 2009


Sometimes I think that I just don't fit in with my surroundings at ALL. You know how my style is.. NO style really. I don't like prints.. Or bold colors. Black is perfect. Accesories I HATE. I never carry a purse.. unless I'm shopping. And even then I rather just carry a wallet. I hate scarves. Sometimes even earrings bother me. Jeans and a black or other simple colored shirt and I'm good. NOW i do have my moments of brief weirdness. I own zebra boots that i LOVE. They are ugly as hell but I get bored with me even. I feel my whole de-stylization (made up word smh) came from my skewed mentality. From junior high thru high school i was a mini fashionista. Introduced my followers to knee high boots in 8th grade and stilettos there after. I always looked put together. You couldn't pay me to leave the house without a pair of heels, makeup done, hair on point, and the cutest ensemble.. Then people started hating me. NOBODY liked me because they said i thought i was "all that" (like most black girls.. ha.) And back then, i just wanted people to like me.. so i slowly toned myself down. No longer wanting to stand out.. just kinda blend. Thats why when I came to spelman, I wore flats for the first time. Flip flops everyday. I was tired of people noticing ME. I hate attention. I hate when guys only like me for the way I look instead of what I have to SAY. I even cut off my hair.. slowly but surely.

Now I've come to realize that this whole fashion "thing" is stupid. I do not want to spend hours getting ready just to make an appearance. Its silly. I rather people say.. oh she's so bland. Ordinary. It's more realistic I suppose. I can't hide behind a bunch of accesories.. spiffy bag, oversized shades, bags of weave, etc.. You have to be able to be with the boring Bee. The tshirt and jeans Bee. The minimal makeup Bee, to accept the real me. I don't want to wake up next to my husband and he say.. "... um babe, you don't look like yourself". I need for him to know that THIS is how I look.

Of course, I'm contradicting myself.. I have green contacts. Love eyeliner. Spent $113 on some shoes. Own a pair of latex leggings. Ahhh.. even I have those brief moments of retail insanity. Its sad.. but true. Trying SOOOO hard to be different.. while trying to blend in. Hmmmm.. that's LIFe.

anywho, I went to Geisha House last night with my newfound friend Jamaal for his birthday. Ironically enough, I was the only straight person there. As Jamaal put it, I was surrounded by "gays, trannies, queens, transgenders, lesbians, and those on the DL.." hahahaha. I love it. They all looked so spiffy. Sad that I'm always around the LGBT clan.. Jamaal even thought that I was gay.. No no honey.. unfortunately i'm straight. Hahaha.. Maybe if I were a lesbian my weirdness would make sense. Then i'd start doing poetry at Tilt & Jazzman's, get funky colors in my hair, start caring about my appearance.. Yeah, I'd definitely be butch because as my girls put it i'm too handy like a man. I mean I did push a car by myself with people inside, in the rain. :)

No comments: