Sunday, January 4, 2009

Shameful Sobriety

The last time I had a drink? I think the day after Christmas.. The last time I got drunk? Oh my.. That would have to be the night of the "shenanigans" that took place a week prior to the holiday.. Why have I chosen to be sober? I actually didn't choose to be anything. It just kind of happened. I hate making resolutions because it is so silly to me. You're bound to break them.

Never have I ever kept a resolution. SMH. Shameful. But so true. No need for a diet. No need for the quit smoking, drinking partying, etc.. No need to try to better yourself just because you feel you need to. Everything has to fall in place.

If you're not ready to change, don't. Simple as that.

Now my outlook on life has changed because just when I thought I had lost all hope, I saw a sign. BIG one at that. And i'm so not religious. Sad but true. I hated when people told me to pray about my problems because it seemed that when I was trying and actually living right, nothing went MY WAY. And my prayers went unanswered. But just when I started doing the foolish things that were frowned upon by the saved and sanctified, life couldn't get any better.

It led me to wonder why an atheist could get all these "blessings" while little old me, the believer kept falling flat on my back..
But I heard a word, and it validated so much. Wasn't there when I wanted it, but of course it came on time.

I gave up alot in December. Main thing was that whole "sex" mess. You see I was the one who felt like I could be a "boy" in my actions and have a casual purely sexual relationship and everything would be good. Of course after weeks, months, of the same nonsense I finally opened my pretty little eyes to what I was inevitably doing to myself.

I'd form relationships with a man that started off physical & would slowly but surely lead to something more mentally stimulating.. And things would be great. Then it would all come crashing down. Mainly because most guys only put up with my crazy ass for so long because of the good sex or whatnot..

I admit that it takes a certain type of person to handle a woman like me. Indecisive, confusing, a tad bit off the rocker if you will- I have problems. lol
I can't be with a person who can not understand that I often speak metaphorically. And if the guy can not comprehend what I say or attempt to decipher my words and thought, it can not be anything more than just sex.

So no, I am not celibate; I just have not had a sexual relationship in quite some time.. Will I? Of course. I'm no nun. When? No time soon. Why?

because. I'm tired of guys being infatuated with me on a physical level.
Yes I know i'm beautiful. Ok, oddly enough you think I'm sexy. Of course you love talking to me because i'm just one "kick ass; bad ass; cool ass female..".

but then again, many do. Its only the facade you love, not the true Bee.

No comments: