I have been single for over two years. I prefer to say my whole damn life since no relationship I've ever had means shit to me now. I think I am finally finding out who the real Brittney is though. Even when I cry at the smallest shit I know i am getting closer to the real me. That's the only upside to being single for so damn long. I finally know who I am. I don't need others or things to define me. This is the most confident I've ever been in myself. No weave, makeup, nada. I still feel beautiful. Took awhile to get here. what a journey. It may be the only upside but its the BEST feeling in the world to finally not care what others think of you or how you are perceived. For the first time in my life I have made decisions based on what I felt was right, not what others thought I should do. I think freely now. I see the error in my ways. I know that I am worth something. I know that I am beautiful...
For many years, I didn't think I was beautiful. I was not comfortable in my own skin. I'd stare in the mirror & think of all the things I wish I could change about it. I wished that I looked more like my mother. I even changed myself because a guy said that I'd look better if I did this or that. I wished all these things and one day I just woke up told myself "Brittney, YOU are beautiful regardless of what anyone else says.." & I believed it.
Im in love with myself now. If I had a boyfriend all those years, I'm sure I wouldn't know who I am now. I wouldn't be comfortable with myself to finally grow out my relaxer & rock the fro I've been wanting for years. I wouldn't care that I gained a few lbs..
So many nights I've cried.. but those tears have strengthened me far more than anyone will ever know. I'm about to cry now just thinking about it..
I still have those nights.. those days where I cry for no reason. Well for ONE reason. Fear of being alone. I've always felt that way. Alone. I never understood why I didn't quite fit in with others. Why I thought differently. Why people instantly hated me because I did something that nobody else did. I conformed so that I wouldn't feel lonely anymore but in the process I still felt out of the loop & still lonely. I let guys run all over me because I just couldn't fathom being the only single friend. I put up with shit that no human should ever deal with. I let people treat me horribly just to say "this is MY man". Never again will I compromise my own happiness just so that I have a specimen that some like to refer to as a man.
I'm still confident that I will find the one for me. I know that I'm not a lost cause. I just hope that the next person will be the last person. I'm ready to date now. I'm getting my life back together. I'm finally ME. And as a little tear forms in the corner of my eye I'm smiling because for the first time in a very long time I am happy.