Thursday, May 27, 2010

crybaby

As I sat in the tub with the faucet on full blast I began to think. As the water began to rise higher and higher the pain came. The sadness crept over me suddenly and I was paralyzed sitting there in the water. I grabbed my legs and buried my face into my knees and let out three long hard sighs that could have easily became tears but I didn't let go. I brought those tears to the very edge of my ducts and quickly pushed them back down before they took over me.

I have never felt so alone in my life. No one is here because no one is supposed to be here. I am the epitome of lonely single girl. I am that girl but I'm not a girl anymore. I'm a twenty one year old woman who is alone. No guy loves me enough to rescue me from this dark place I'm in. I've forgotten how it feels to be touched with love.. To be held with love. To be loved with love. To speak with love. To hear with love. To breathe with love. To be love. I don't know how to be love though.

If I think about it, love has always been a subject I didn't master. I haven't really passed it either. Boys? Yes I mastered that.. I can make any guy fall for me physically. I can attract any guy to be into me- by personality alone. I can even make a guy like the entire package deal of Bee-- just not for longer than a few months. After that, they realize that I'm not what they want.. I'm not what they need. I'm just BEE. The quirky girl who  will make an awesome friend. Great fuck buddy. Okay girlfriend.. if only for a little while.

I'm like a drug. Too much will kill you... You just take me in doses. *sigh*

Will I ever meet the one for me? Lately every guy I meet is really after that ONE thing. Or they pretend to want more to get closer to the one thing. Or they genuinely like me but I'm not physically attracted to them at all.

Oh what a life we live. Will I ever make it??

1 comment:

Yakitori said...

When you stop searching, there it is.