I looked up at him and gazed intensely into his dark brown eyes thinking that I could find one drop of love for me still in them. I saw nothing. I never saw such an emotionless stare before in my life. It was as if he had no soul- a soulless loveless creature that stared back at me. I guess he saw the tears beginning to well up in my eyes because his emotionless stare suddenly turned harsh & sort of angry looking. He glared at me like I had done something wrong. “What the fuck you crying for?” he managed to sputter while I quickly wiped my eyes dry, smearing my eyeliner so I looked rather raccoonish. “You don’t look at me the same way anymore… You don’t love me like you used to. I’m beginning to think you never loved me..” I said as my voice trailed off into the stiff air that suddenly filled the living room we were in as I mentioned that L word. LOVE. What I had been working to get for years from him. Love. What a silly word to be uttering to him now after the bullshit he put me through but I couldn’t help how I felt. He sort of rescued me- the all too common Hero Syndrome had taken over my life and I fell for him after a few months. “Here you go..” he said as he looked off into the distance completely ignoring me. “You haven’t told me you loved me in forever… You only said in through a text message.” He rolled his eyes as I started to profess to him my true feelings. He didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. I was definitely killing the mood.
I then began to go into the same spiel I always went into About how he doesn’t fuck me like he used to; Things have changed; why doesn’t he love me; will he ever make me his girlfriend….
Yeah, after three years, I was still his “friend”. Silly fucking rabbit indeed. It was partially my fault though. When I first met him I proclaimed that I wasn't looking for a relationship. Why? The usual excuse us young women give to older guys. "I'm too busy on school to focus on a relationship right now. Education comes first." In reality I really WANTED a relationship, I just didn't want to appear desperate- which I was. I wanted him to fall in love with me and finally force me to be his.
He did tell me that he loved me once or twice. Both times via text. I remember that day so vividly. I was a bit upset. Texting him dramatically as always when I just so happened to write something along the lines of "you don't love me.. you never did. never will" which to my surprise he responded "but I do love you baby.." and my heart smiled. He finally said I love you.. Unfortunately it was merely words and I didn't hear it...
[just a snippet on something I'm working on.. enjoy]
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