Friday, March 19, 2010

Fuck Love.

I had this pretty random dream last night.. You want to read about it? I'll try my best to be as detailed as possible.

It started off pretty normal, I was back in Atlanta with my Hun bun =] & we were having marathon like sex. You know, crazy positions, all day-all night., can't stop won't stop & boy was it GREAT. Feeling that warm, thick tongue all over my body had me climbing the walls in ecstasy. Of course I leave him and the first person I see is his ex-- *eye roll*. She doesn't see me I guess so she begins to announce to everyone that she is back with my Hun bun & how they have decided to stay together forever. As I hear this I just stand there. Paralyzed by her words. I just walked out the room with Hun bun, wtf is SHE talkin about. He then walks over & joins her & confirms that they are indeed getting back together. Suddenly the whole room erupts into congratulations! "Oh my God!! I'm So happy for you guys! You were made for each other! You're like my FAVORITE couple".. Yeah all that bullshit is buzzing in my ears. I just drop down to the ground and cry. Curled up in a little ball.. I cry. Then my friend pulls me up & drags me out of there (thank God!) She tells me to snap out of it. I feel so stupid though. He obviously loves her so regardless of what I do he won't ever be with me. SMH.

The dream pretty much ends there because I wake up look at my phone & begin to text his phone but I decide not to right before I press 'send'. I lay there thinking to myself WHY did I dream about that?? Is it because I was talking about our first time on blogtv?? Is it because I'm going to see him & my other friends in like two weeks? Or how about I saw some tagged photos of him & one he was actually with his ex and the comment was something like "Awww I love these two"... Hmmm. Yup thats exactly why. In my mind I know I have no chance with him but like every dumb woman in the World, I feel as if I can somehow make him choose me. I can WIN his love & affection. I can use my sex appeal, my wit, my conversation, my mind, body & spirit to make him MINE & only mine.

That's the problems, we always seem to want those who don't necessarily want us back. To yearn for the attention of a person who has eyes for someone else. Am I wrong for wanting to be loved? No. But why should I try to take away HIS love from another?

I like him. I can't deny that. I always will. Sex complicates things. I won't try to break up anything if there is something there but still.. *sigh*.

I just want what I want. Is that so wrong?

Fuck this shit. Fuck Love.

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