Friday, July 23, 2010
Nocturnal Nymphomanical Nostalgia?
So its about 5am and I have alot on my mind. Listening to music brings out the um, creative side I suppose but not really.
As the days wind down and I am quickly approaching the day in which I shall finally be sleeping in the same room I slept in for sooo many years, I am kind of sad that TIME flies so fast.
My baby sister is now practically grown up almost. She looks so much like me, its crazy. I hope that she doesn't do half the things that I did while I was her age.
I was one wild kid. Ok, not wild, just a tad bit too free spirited.
I'm slowly getting back into that little free spirit thing.
I always say that I am not ready for a relationship but the more I think about it, I think that I'm lying to myself.. Like do I really just want to remain "just friends" or am I indeed looking for something more?
Maybe I am just afraid of letting someone in emotionally. You know, its better to keep your heart out of the equation and keep things on a pleasant and easy playing field versus putting yourself completely out there to possibly be hurt. I can't let that happen. I can't let someone make me feel like I see soo many other girls feel. I don't want to sit up in my room and cry because things just aren't working out.. Or devout so much of my time to this guy that once the relationship fails, I no longer know how to be a single person anymore because I wam so used to being a "WE".
So maybe I really should just spend more time with myself focusing on you know Me.. lol.
I'm such a mess.
I am truly a train wreck (shouts to Bey!)
I don't understand half of the things that come out of my own mouth so why should I expect anyone else to understand me??
Sometimes I think that I am a lttle too violent inside of my own head.
I may say things jokingly, but I believe I may have the mental stability of a serial killer.
The constant thoughts of being featured on an episode of Snapped on Oxygen or WE! or whatever channel its on, for Killing my husband who cheated or something.. Hmm.
Yes, maybe thats the problem.
I am crazy.
Dudes know i'm crazy.
You can tell by the way I look.
I never sleep.
I crave control.
Dreams of murdering people. So strange. Just like when I told that one guy that I had a list of over 101 ways to kill him and how I could do it without getting caught... he believed me. I indeed made a list.
Or the one time I held the screw driver up to his neck and told him that if he ever made me cry, i'd make HIM cry..
Or the time I started choking him, then freaked and apologized and he kicked me out his car.. after takin me home of course.
this sounds like the beginnings of a great novel.
Mentally unstable; the series.