Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Black Girls Don't Have Eating Disorders

When you're a black girl growing up in the South, your problems aren't really dealt with or heard with TRUE help. If you are "depressed" your parents just tell you to snap out of it & go to church more.. Your issues aren't put out on the table because in a "black" family, you just deal with it amongst your family & move on.

When I was around the age of 6, I had issues with my body. I was extremely skinny. My step mother would make jokes about me saying I was so skinny that one day I would be standing outside and a cool breeze would come through & take me away & i'd be "gone with the wind". Cool analogy, but those words stuck with me. All of my step sisters were a bit chubby & this made me feel uncomfortable with my own skinny self. I remember being in third grade standing on the scale crying for what seemed to be hours while I ate slices of kraft american cheese trying to see my weight go up to at least 100lbs. This may not seem like alot but for someone who was under 5'0" & only 8,9,10 this was something MAJOR. 

By 5th grade I was a bit chubby. By 6th grade I was fat as hell. Now instead of being made fun of I was being laughed at for being a fat kid. 12 years old & I was still 5'0" & topped the scales at 150-160lbs. Who gains 50lbs in a year?? smh.. I was determined to lose weight again but I didn't know how. I got really sick during Spring Break & could barely eat. I lost about 20lbs in about 2 weeks. I also played Softball that year so I became more active.. As I entered Mance Park Middle School I was no longer fat Brittney. I was a new PERSON!

I began my 7th grade year weighing in at 130lbs & I had grew 3inches over the summer! 5'3 & 130? Seemed awesome. I began to love my body. I still had a little bit of ass as I always had growing up. I had the long hair guys liked. I considered myself fashionable & I always had guys' attention. I was loving it. Most people thought I was a new student. They didn't realize that I was the same fat girl from the year before. I steadily lost weight all throughout the year & by 8th grade I was a cheerleader, I ran track, I was apart of the broadcast video production crew called MPTV which made videos that were shown all over school- & I weighed the lowest I had since elementary school: 107lbs & 5'5". 

My weight slowly changed in high school. I grew up. Gained more curves.. But mainly I stayed between the 120-130lbs range until my senior year where I began to be LESS active & eat fast food everyday. I soon weighed 160lbs AGAIN. I hated my body. I didn't even notice I was fat until I was with my brother one day getting ready to go out to the club "Nite Movez" off 1960 when I grabbed an oreo and began to snack on it.. He then yelled out something along the lines of "ew you're fat.. you need to quit eating". That hurt me so much that I ran into the bathroom & threw up. I threw up everything I ate for the next 24hrs. Then I just said fuck it. Of course I got sick again during Spring Break & loss a whole bunch of weight before Prom. At prom I was back down to 140lbs. My safe weight. I haven't been that size since. 

My weight is a constant battle because if I don't work out everyday religiously I will gain weight. Not just 5lbs or so-- 20-30lbs in less than a month. I'm still on a journey to eat healthier. I've battled with my weight since I was 6 years old. Either I was too skinny or too fat. I was never PERFECT. I know its impossible to have the perfect body but that's the world we live in. I know I've stressed that I love my body & all of its imperfections but I can't help but to want a body like Beyonce or Rihanna or Nicki Minaj.. I can't help but to want a 26inch waist with 40inch hips. I can't help but to want a toned up sexy body. It just takes WORK. I'm working on that now. 

I love that when I look in the mirror I see the progress in my body. I still know that I have struggled with an eating disorder for years but I was never taken seriously because black girls aren't bulimic! black girls aren't anorexic! black girls don't have eating disorders! Yes Black Girls Do! 

I have starved myself. I starved myself all during high school. Once I had a contest with a white chick where we wanted to see who could get under 120lbs first. We both started in at about 125.. By the end of the following week I weighed 118. We didn't eat at school.. We only ate at home in front of our parents & when we did we ate very little & said we ate alot at lunch. I have thrown up after meals a few times.

It's not healthy to be so focused on your body like that but it happens. I'm not perfect. I'm trying to love my body more & more everyday but sometimes I do wish I could just be skin & bones. I've had an ass my whole life. It would be nice to have no booty. It's a daily struggle.. 

Can you see the TWO abs coming in at the top?? lol.. maybe its just me. =P
sorry for being so long. I just felt the need to share a little bit of my story


*-jessicanita-* said...

i feel exactly the same way i was pretty round in middle school and in high school i did colorguard for the band. then i didnt do anything for a while and gained alot of weight so i started excercising. It was hard for me because i love mcDonalds and cakes n pies and everything i ate just because. So i was excersising for about a month and when i didnt see a change i would get really depressed and stuff my face and be back where i started give or take a few pounds. I'm getting better about it though i dont eat everytime i watch tv or am on the computer and ive been excercising alot in the last two months. i'm at 140 now which is technically "overweight" for my height 5"1, 5"2.
But anyway the point of typing all that was to say i liked reading this and seeing your progress. It inspires me to keep going and reach my goal. So thank you :)

Bee Michelle said...

No thank YOU! It's good to know I'm not the ONLY one :)

I understand how it is.. Keep up the good work. Its all about being healthy & not just being skinny or looking a certain way :)